EMBROIL [BOOK ONE]

Title 15: Self Annihilation

~Published June 5, 2017~

Where do I began to explain how I feel at this very moment? I'm not even sure if I have that many adjectives in my vocabulary. I feel emotionally...empty, drained, broken, the list goes on and on. My body felt heavy as my feet dragged my tired body up my front steps. After Ian admitted himself into the hospital I asked Lip if he could just take me straight home. He kept trying to take me out to breakfast or hang out with the whole Gallagher clan but I just couldn't. I needed to be alone to much occurred the last couple of days. I just don't want to be around anyone. Once I made it to the top of the steps I noticed a small vase of yellow roses. Who could have sent me these? I picked them up as I opened my front door and stepped inside. Closing the door behind me I walked over to the coffee table in the living room and place the vase there. A little white card stood out to me from the center of the roses. I plucked it out and saw semi messy handwriting sprawled along the card. Bringing it closer towards me I noticed a very familiar name written on the bottom.

'I've tried calling a few times but I haven't heard from you. I don't know if I did anything wrong? But yellow roses symbolize friendship. Let's start off as friends?' -Charlie

A small smile shaped my lips as my eyes scanned each word. Why did Charlie have to come into my life at a chaotic time? He was so fresh and yet so foreign. He was someone who hasn't been tainted by this life. He probably comes from a happy family who provide him with everything. It is probably best that he doesn't get involved with someone like me, even if it is as friends. I tossed the card onto the table and made my way towards my bedroom. Entering my room I found comfort. I reached into my pockets and pulled my phone out. The screen was completely shattered and it wouldn't light up at all. A memory of Ian tossing the phone away from me replayed in my mind. I threw the phone across the room as I rubbed my eyes like I was trying to rub away the bad memories. Fuck I just want these last few moments I had with Ian erased. I just need to relax that's all I need. I walked into my bathroom as I made my way over to my tub and began filling it with hot water. I peeled off my shirt along with my bra then my shorts and underwear weren't far behind. Tossing the clothes into my hamper I found myself standing naked besides my tub as the mirror fogged up by the steam that quickly formed around me. I was watching the water flowing out of the faucet. The water looked so inviting so once the water was close to the rim. I turned it off and my body slowly submerged itself under water. The water was incredibly hot and I softly hissed as my body came in contact with it. My skin felt like it was being prick by hundreds of tiny needles but I kept going under until the water was just below my chin.

'We can start over. Don't you want that?'

Ian's voice slithered into my mind. I tightly closed my eyes as I tried to push his voice away.

'I couldn't stop thinking about our kiss that night. Fuck, your lips were so soft.'

"Stop!" I shouted as I smacked my head with my hands, "Please just stop."

My eyes slowly opened I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't handle it anymore I started to feel everything that I was feeling emerging. My chest felt like it was tightening and I couldn't breathe. My world was falling apart once again because the one person who helped me keep together was falling apart as well. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep us both above water. How could everything go so wrong? Closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, I completely went under water. Everything went silent, there were no more thoughts, no noises, no voices, it was peaceful. I just want to stay under here forever but unfortunately there is one issue and that was the pain in my lungs. The minute I felt like my lungs were going to burst I came out of the water as I tried to catch my breath. Looking at my hands I noticed little red blotches that was across my skin. I guess the water was hotter than I anticipated. Soon after I carried my body out of the tub as I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my body. I clumsily made it into my room as I dug around in my drawers for a fresh pair of panties and tee shirt. Tossing the towel aside I slip my underwear on and my shirt. In a quick instant I crawled into my bed and my body soon relaxed onto it. Soon enough I found myself slipping into a very deep sleep.