SPRING DAY

numb

"you can pretend for a long time, but one day it all falls away and you are alone. we are alone in the most beautiful place in the world."

- jean rhys -

— × —

i remember when it first ended. i cried for an entire week. the fluids in my body should've dried up from all crying i did.

i cried in the shower. cried on the toilet. cried as i brushed my teeth. cried in the car on my way to work. cried as i ate lunch. cried myself to sleep. it was a vicious cycle.

after the tears finally came to a stop, i was filled with anger. it was actually scary.

i'd find myself lapsing into fits of uncontrollable anger. screaming and throwing things around the house like i'd gone crazy.

i was mad about everything. mad that we met. mad that i fell in love with you. mad that you left me. mad that i let you. mad at me. mad at you. mad at us.

and when anger was replaced by exhaustion, i'd drop to the ground surrounded by the mess i'd made. the house always looked like a tornado had torn through it in the aftermath.

now, there's just a void in my chest. an empty space that can't seem to be filled.

and sometimes the feeling of missing you takes up some of that space. and too quickly it is gone again.

i am just numb. thoughts of you fly through my mind and i can't point out what emotion it is i'm feeling.

it's like being a zombie. going through the days without exactly feeling anything remotely real.

but the singular feeling that fleetingly appears is the one of missing you. and i don't like it. i'd rather remain numb.

☀☀☀

completely unrelated but i love hyungwon so much my cute little living meme model