SPRING DAY

hot chocolate

"what we have to remember is that we can still do anything. we can change our minds. we can start over."

- marina keegan -

— × —

all good things come to an end. but i never expected that we would as well. i was way too far in wonderland to even notice it crumbling around me.

the day it all fell apart is burned into my brain like a footprint left in quick dry cement.

it is a broken record playing on loop in my mind everyday. it's like reliving the pain every time.

looking back now, i see that i was probably selfish. i was too deep in my own world to see how unhappy you'd become.

i was holding you back. and i still don't know how long i had been doing that. i wish i could figure out the day you began to fall out of love if you were ever really in love with me.

you walked in that cold friday looking unhappy. i had noticed how down you'd been looking for a few days.

you'd taken off your snow covered coat as i stood waiting with a cup of hot chocolate. i'd put those small marshmallows you liked over the whipped cream.

but hot chocolate was not going to fix how you were feeling. i learnt that too late.

the way you'd said that we needed to talk after i asked you if everything was alright gave me a sense of foreboding.

especially after you declined the hot chocolate. you never said no to hot chocolate.

i'd wrung my hands nervously as i waited for you to speak. the first thing you told me was that you weren't happy. that i no longer made you happy.

you didn't even have to say the words for me to get the picture. you'd found someone new to make you happy in the way that i no longer could.

and even though your words felt like acid slowly burning away at my heart, i didn't shed a single tear. i smiled wanly and told you that i understood.

i didn't. a part of me still doesn't. i just want to know what i did wrong.

you'd said you wanted me to say what i thought. and it was okay if i hit you. i told you i had nothing to say.

i had plenty to say.

and although i wanted hit you with everything i had, i didn't move a muscle. i just sat still in my place on the couch, unable to command my body to do anything but stare at you.

and saying you would come for your things in the morning, you were out the door again.

i sat there, still unable to move, staring at the cup of hot chocolate. i sat there all night. until the wisps of steam from the cup disappeared and the marshmallows sunk into the dark abyss of now cold chocolate.

☀☀☀

stan talent. stan day6