I never came to the beach or stood by the ocean
I never sat by the shore under the sun with my feet in the sand
But you brought me here and I'm happy that you did
'Cause now I'm as free as birds catching the wind
I awake in my usual spot in my bed, thanking the actual god that allowed me to take on another day with the ones I loved the most. It hadn't been easy on neither of us, between all of the chemotherapy and radiation, nothing had worked.
It was pretty evident that I wasn't going to make it to watch my children grow up and accomplish life goals or get married or really anything and I wasn't going to be able to stay with Adam until we were gray and old. My life had been given a life sentence and it was running thin by each day. Everyone had wondered how I had grown to accept it, with everything that had came with the deadly disease.
In the beginning, exactly 15 months ago, I hadn't thought it would come to this. I had a wonderful team and an exquisite plan to rid myself of the cancer, but it hadn't been going well during the last few months, which led Adam to pack up the kids life and fly us out to live in our beach house in California. My doctor had explained to us that there hadn't been any improvements, my counts were low, and they couldn't have been raised anymore than they were. It was the end of the road for my treatment and we accepted it.
We just accepted it.
I lie on my side of the bed, gazing at the ceiling. I felt great today. It wasn't like a great where I could go exercise or bake, but I wanted to go down to the shore today. I wanted to be able to sit on the sand and watch the kids run and play. I wanted to sit there and watch the water with Adam, maybe even get and ice cream cone. I wanted to do anything besides my usual routine of sitting in front of the bathroom mirror and feel bad about the physical things that I had lost, I didn't feel like tracing my hands across my scalp and feel no hair growth or stare deep into my own eyes and see how dull, clouded, and sunken in they had become or how pale my skin was or the evident weight loss that had made me appear malnourished. I was tired of the self pity.
I always thought I would sink, so I never swam
I never went boatin', don't get how they are floatin'
And sometimes I get so scared
Of what I can't understand
But here I am
Next to you
The sky's more blue
In Malibu
Next to you
In Malibu
Next to you, baby
I began to feel shuffling from the other side of the bed signaling that Adam had awaken. His arms snaked around my smaller figure and pulled me across towards him.
"Good morning, beautiful." His deep morning voice echoes.
I respond with a "good morning" and continue in my own thoughts.
I really wanted to go out and enjoy the beautiful day, I had checked the weather on my phone. The highest was going to be 80 degrees and fairly sunny today. The perfect weather for me.
"What's going on in that pretty little mind of yours?" Adam asks.
"I want to have a beach day today."
I look over and see him smiling. He knows that I hadn't been able to do anything for these last few months and he was more than happy that I was going to be able to do something I loved.
So that's what led us here. On the shore, me sitting between Adam's legs, headscarf on, watching Eliza and Kole running around, splashing each other with water. It still amazes me with how perfect they are. They were filled with so much happiness and love. They were kind and patient to be so young. Eliza is nine and very talkative when she got to know you. She is so caring and always wanted to make sure everything was ok. Kole is five and was a little punk at first, but now he's the sweetest little boy you'll ever come in contact with. He's so bright and caring. Call me biased, but I have perfect children.
