Just Me

My Space.

My space. My tiny little area where I haven't let anybody in and probably never will. It is my little world away from everyone I've let down and everyone who's done the same to me. It's that place where my words are my sweet escape and every thought of mine is a magic carpet to wonderland. It's not a beach or a white room with bay windows overlooking the sunset. It's me, a piece of paper and a pen anywhere and everywhere. As long as no one is looking at our direction my magic wand has no limit on its power.

Sometimes I myself under estimate its power. That's only because grass seems greener only on the other side. And that every now and then when I exit my bubble, it is infiltrated with the cruel thoughts of the world, its penetrated by their actions and burst by their words. Those who can speak their minds always forget how strong an impact words have. They forget that they have the power to make someone smile and also that their powers include bringing one down to crumbled bits. And every time that bubble pops I take days to bring it back up again only to realize that the green was only an illusion.

My space offers me everything that the abyss I want to fall back to promises. It's up? It doesn't allow anybody to let me down. It's down? It allows me to let all those people down. Away from reality, lately, it's the only thing keeping me afloat. It is nothingness combined with every word that crosses my brain, every scream that my body shouts and every dream that my eyes see. Together they form my world and that's where I can listen to myself and tend to my pain and sufferings which are very easily ignored elsewhere.

There is so much more light beyond the dark nothingness you see in my room. There is a whole world stuck in there, a whole empire waiting to rise, a queen in making and also a monster or two that you've been creating. One fueled by my insecurities and your words which create them and another growing inside me fueled by the days of repressment and nights of tear soaked pillows. Sometimes wars break even in a happy empire and in mine the constant battle is between a monster trying to kill me and another is the innocent girl who had to become a monster to keep herself alive. Believe me when I say this, your need to control every aspect of my life is the ammunition to both the monsters. I have my tactics to tame them but, you keep on nudging me to come out of 'my space' and that is you forcing them to break out in the open.

I have nothing against you or the world. It's beautiful actually. But I'm not changing the way I used to be. I'm just here having fun, celebrating life and you know the other things that people with the will do live do?

Doesn't it get lonely Appy you ask? Yes it does. But lonely is a different feeling altogether. It's the weirdest feeling there is because it doesn't follow its definition. You feel it when you're alone and that makes sense but then you also feel it when you're in the middle of a crowd. I'm not talking when you're just standing there clueless. I'm talking when you're the centre of attention and when everyone is talking to you! When all of them are looking for your attention, when they're all making you laugh and you still manage to feel lonely. You still get the thought that you don't matter. You still want to just step into a dark hole and escape.

The worst is when externally you are laughing and smiling and internally you are screaming with pain and loneliness. It sucks to be one person on the outside and another on the inside. We often wear a mask to hide the person we're afraid to show. That's why my space is perfect that way. The mask comes off and I can finally breathe. But to the world outside my world, 'I'm fine'. I'm fine even though my brain is a warzone more sensitive than the Middle East. I'm not fine the way I was sculpted but in my world I can change it.

Smart, strong and beautiful. To me I'm those things without anyone having to point it out to me. I work hard to go far and I'm unstoppable. It's not called being insomniac in my world. I stay up late 'because I need a lot of time to celebrate my life.

A pedestal, a stage to showcase my talent are all amazing but nothing compares to 'my world'. You should visit it sometime.