Over and Over (On Hold)

Chapter 5

"Please just hear out the whole story." His voice was just a vulnerable whisper and it caused my heart to ache. I nodded my head and got up from his lap to lean against the bathtub. The surface was cold against the skin on my back that wasn't covered by my tank top and goosebumps ran over my arms. I shivered at the contact but ignored the sensation. My eyes met his for a brief moment before he looked away. His fingers ran through his hair and he took a shaky breath.

"There wasn't a reason really. I was just at Connie's party. The music was blaring and the lights were almost completely out. I was utterly smashed. You came with me and we just danced. That was the best part of my night, dancing with you. We were so happy." When he said that he flashed a small smile at me. "Everyone kept feeding me alcohol, I don't even know what kind it was, but I just couldn't stop drinking it. My head was so dizzy, Harley. I couldn't see or think straight. I thought I was walking to the bathroom when I went into that room. That's when it happened. She grabbed me and pushed me on the bed and straddled my waist. It was so dark that I thought she was you when she kissed me. Everyone knew We were together so who else would be kissing me? I kissed back and that's when you walked in and turned the lights on."

I hadn't realized that silent tears were running down my face again until he paused to look at me for a brief moment. His eyes were full of shame and guilt. He leaned toward me and wiped my tears with his thumbs. I moved my head into his lap.

"How much do you regret that night?" I don't know what caused me to ask that but it somehow just slipped out of my mouth. His fingers ran through my hair.

"More than anything else I've ever done." I closed my eyes and listened to him humming to me softly.

We stayed huddled together on the bathroom floor for what seemed like hours before I untangled my body from his and walked out. My phone was on my dresser since Ash had taken it from me. I grasped it and quickly checked the time.

2:04 am

Shit. I did in fact have work tomorrow, well today, and I should've been sleeping right now instead of cuddling with my ex. I looked around my room, searching for my charger so I could plug the damn thing in. My eyes landed on something else though. Something I hadn't noticed awhile. I walked toward the item and picked it up. It felt heavy in my hands even though it weighed the same as a feather.

It was the necklace Ashton got me for our 6 month anniversary. It was a silver chain with a charm that looked like a pair of drum sticks. One stick was engraved with the words 'I Love You' and the other with his name. I had true to throw it away in the past but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It meant so much to me at the time. It still did. I set the necklace back on my bedside table behind my lamp where I hide it, again. I continued my search for my charger until I felt arms wrap around my torso from behind.

"You kept it?" He whispered in my ear making his breath trickle down my neck. This is wrong. I stepped out of his embrace and turned to face him.

"Yes, I did. Ashton I think you need to go home now. I don't want your mom to worry." I opened the door signaling him to leave. He looked at the door and then back at me before pulling me to his chest and squeezing the life out of me. I felt his lips on my forehead before he released me and walked out the door.

I quietly watched him quickly go down the stairs making sure not to hit any of the squeaky steps, I mean this wasn't his first time sneaking out of my house. When he reached the bottom step he turned to look at me and gave me a small smile. I returned it and closed the door. I slowly walked over to my bed and realized how tired I actually was. I slide into my covers and cuddled against one of my pillows. I hugged it close to me, pretending it was Mikey or Ashton, I really didn't know which. The thought that I couldn't decide who made me sick to my stomach with guilt. I tightened my embrace on the pillow. My mind was spinning but I couldn't grasp on to any of my thoughts for more than a second or two.

I closed my eyes with as much force as I could but my mind wouldn't shut up. I groaned and turned to my phone. I unlocked it and went into my music. I scrolled through it until I found something to relax me. I turned on Amnesia, one of my favorite songs by the boys. I turned back to my pillow and closed my eyes. The chorus spoke to me for some reason that I couldn't exactly place.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving

I remember the make-up running down your face

The dreams you left behind you didn't need them

Like every single wish I ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia

Forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next you

And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

It reminded me of Ashton and I's break up. I don't know why it comforted me but it did. Ash told me he wrote it about me after the end of our relationship but I was still ignoring him at the time. I listened to the song right after the text he sent me though and it made me cry. I can't remember if they were happy or sad tears, I think it was a mixture of the two.