Because He Loves Me

chapter15

         "Luz...." Cassy tries talking to me but I ignore her. Im pissed that she went back to John. Pissed at her...at my brother...at everyone...at the whole damn world. I haven't talked to her in two weeks. And yea sure I miss her. But she can be so stupid! I will forgive her eventually, but this is something I will never forget. She's choosing to be broken... I have no choice. Or maybe I do. Maybe I could stop sulking over their deaths. But I just can't.
           "Luz come on I get your pissed off, but you need me....especially today.  It's three years today that Anthony died.... and I miss him too you know?" Ugh! She has no idea! Anthony wasn't her brother! She ...she has never lost anyone remotely close to her! I grab my bag and storm out the room to my car.
         So yea... Today makes three years that I lost my beloved brother. Last year I had Luke to help me get through this day. But guess what? He's gone too! 
          I miss my brother... I miss my old life... I miss happy old me. Though Zach has helped in putting back my broken pieces. And I admire him all the more for it. But he's not even here. He's on his way to his hometown for his mother's birthday. Of course if he knew what the significance of today is...he wouldn't have went. Which is why I didn't tell him about it. He deserves to go back home and be with his family. Yea I know woahh! Im actually selfless.. who would have known! Let's just say Zach brings the best in me. 
         So since I have no one on this dreadful day, I go to the field. The heart wants what it wants. And what my heart wants is to forget. Yea usually I'd get drunk and go hook up with random guys. But I promised Zach and myself I would never go back to being that horrible version of me. So a game of soccer couldn't possibly hurt. And thanks to Zach, Ive started playing again. And let me tell you this... I was so incredibly stupid to stop playing. It's my lifeline...my escape.
I start shooting at the goal and the memories begin seeping in. "Goalllll!" Anthony screams and I jump into his arms. "Im just as good as you now!" I wink and Anthony shakes his head." Not even close... Go score another one for me and maybe just maybe you'll be just as good."He puts me down and ruffles my hair with his knuckles. I run back onto the field, ready to score more. Ready to prove that I am better than Anthony at something.
Tears start strolling down my cheek. I was eight years old then and I was wrong. I can never prove that Im better than Anthony. The truth is Anthony was amazing, he was as good as Ronaldo some said. I believe that he honestly could have gone pro. But death deprived him of that chance.
I've been shooting for what seems like hours and I finally go over to get a drink of water. I turn on my phone only to see twenty missed calls from Cassy. I ignore them and chuck my phone on the ground. I go back onto the field and start shooting more.
"Bet you ten bucks I'll be the one to score first." I roll my eyes and smirk," To hell you will! That's all me big bro! I'm the best of the best!" He chuckles," Ay ya te crees el muy muy." I kick him in the shin and he winces. He tackles me and begins tickling me. "Anthony! S-s-stopppp!" Anthony stands up and holds out his hands to help me up. "Stop being a baby! Now let's play!" I start the ball, and rainbow over Anthony. He catches up to me and side tackles me. I wince and drop to the ground. He hesitates and stops to help me up. I take that to my advantage and run with the ball. And Goalll!! Anthonys begins to pout as he hands me the ten bucks," No fair you little cheater." I laugh," Nah. Like I said Im the best of the best." He shakes his head and throws me over his shoulder. I laugh uncontrollably as he throws me into the lake. I resurface and give him the finger. He takes a few steps back and jumps into the lake, joining my side.
That was the last solid day we had together before he died. Im sobbing at this point and I can't breathe. Arms suddenly wrap around my waist and I flinch."Shh shhh it's me. It's okay." Zach. I thought he was on his way home? W-what is he doing here? Cassy must have called him. God I love her. I needed Zach, and she knew that.
I turn around to face him and sheepishly smile," W-what are you doing here? I-I thought you were going to see your family?"
He sighs," You are my family Luz. Now come here." He pulls me in and I get lost into him. I sob into his shoulder and realize that I've never really cried when Anthony died. I was in shock and I just wanted to forget. But now I know that forgetting isnt the thing. It's remembering. Trying to forget only pains you more. I've been mourning wrong this whole entire time. I need to accept the fact that he's gone and wont be coming back.
         Zach pulls apart and forces me to look at him. He looks hurt. But why? "Luz... Why didnt you tell me that today was the day he died? I want to be here for you damnit. You make it so hard to love you. I want to love you....You need to let me in Luz. Let me in...please." A tear rolls down his cheek and I wipe it with my thumb.
             I'm hurting him. I know I am. Im just scared. And I want to tell him that. I want to tell him that I'm falling for him....that the only reason I haven't completely fell is because im holding back from feeling anything. I dont want to feel this. I don't want to love him. Trust me I dont. I dont want to be vulnerable ever again. Because if I start loving him...I will feel everything. And I'll be a goner. But I dont tell him that. All I say is," Im scared Zach."
          He comes closer to me so that our foreheads are touching. He grins," Me too." My heart is beating faster than it ever has before. He presses his lips to mine and he smiles into the kiss. And I swear it's the best thing ever. The way I feel for him I realize... there's no going back. Im too deep in. I'm not sure if I love him..but Im sure as hell getting there. And im fucking scared.