Life's Gone Crazy {Hamilton}

5

{warning: mentions of suicide, cutting, and self hate.}

Jade Blasko. My whole name reminds me of my mom. Her long brown hair that would always fall in delicate curls. Her bright green eyes that never failed to shine, or her left dimple that went in further than her right one. Her sharp jawline and perfect eyebrows. I had her face. Almost exactly. My father died in the war, my aunts, uncles and cousins all died trying to visit us. Their plane crashed. My grandmothers both died from Lung cancer the same week, my grandfathers committed suicide together. All my other relatives don't know I exist. They all live out in Utah or Minnesota. I'm never going there. I'm staying in New York. This is my home. It's 4am,  December 1st I have school today. I don't have Christmas break until the twentieth. It's cold as hell this morning as I shiver in my room. It's not even mine, it's London's spare room. I'm only wearing my bra and underwear, staring at my body. The way my stomach rolls when I slouch, I know that your supposed to have some stomach fat, but not that much. My thighs touch, which has never bothered my until now. When I flex my arms it's more fat than muscle. The only thing nice about me is my eyes and my jawline. My cheeks are too fat and my forehead is way too big. I shivered once more, snapping me out of my thoughts and pulling on a warm sweater and sweatpants. Pulling my hair into a bun. I made my way to the bathroom and sighed, looking at my face and digging through the cabinet they kept the razors and pulling one out. I stared at it.

"Just one. On my knee." I mumbled and scratched it once.  The pain made me bite my lip and close my eyes. Jesus Christ this hurt! But once the pain subsided it actually felt kinda, relieving?  Like I deserved that pain, and it was my fault. I cleaned up the cut and took a hot shower when it turned five thirty. I got out and six, got dressed in long pants and a heavy red jacket and threw a beany on my head. I ate breakfast, not much. And sighed, London tossed me my bag. I caught it and we were out the door, at matched speeds.

{after school}

"They're taking you away." London sighed, looking at me with tear filled eyes.

"Then I'm running away." I kissed her forehead and began packing what I needed. A crap ton of snacks and two pairs of clothes, I got some money too. London helped me sneak out and hugged me before I ran down the streets of NYC. My bag hitting my back.