T A K E A S T E P B A C K

1️⃣4️⃣C A T O R C E 1️⃣4️⃣

I went to my first period sniffling. I sat down behind Jahseh and he turned and looked at me in confusion. I looked at him and remembered how he tasted last night. I ain't myself. For getting distracted. Because when I do I get dramatic and sensitive and vulnerable.

"What happened? Where's Isaiah? Why are you crying?", Jahseh asked me turning around. I ignored him completely. Just doing my classwork.

Ski talked to me for the first time in two months. When I walked in and sat down he frowned at me.

"What's up with you and Isaiah?", he asked me and I shook my head.

"We broke up," I said and I he sat up and looked at me with surprise in his eyes.

"I just learned about y'all last night," I looked at him with confusion.

"We've been together for two months," I said and I shook his head.

"Ain't nobody told me nothing. They never tell me anything," he said sitting back and crossing his arms. I chuckled and we didn't talk for the rest of class.

The day went by. X continued to try to talk to me in the hallway, but I continued to ignore him. I wasn't in the mood. Ming wouldn't stop staring at me like I ruined his life and Isaiah isn't nowhere to be found.

Who cares anyways right? The guy I fell in love with is moving away. I don't even know why I'm so sad over this. He is leaving the state, not the earth. It's not like he's saying "Bitch I've always hated you let's break up now". Nah. He's moving away and we need to let each other go.

I'll let him go. Yeah. I'll let him go.

Not even a day after Isaiah left, Ming beat my ass. It was pretty hard trying to fight back when some other dude was holding my hands behind my back. I did give him a few kicks too, but he stomped on my knees before he ran off.

I couldn't walk. I couldn't feel my stomach. I puked all over the pavement and there was blood all over my face. I started crying uncontrollably. I think it was because I couldn't feel anything or I just felt too much. I looked around me and saw X standing there with a phone to his ear. He stared at me until the phone finally hung up and he sighed a breath of relief.

X walked away from me. Looking back a few times and then disappearing from sight. Around midnight I finally regained full balance in my legs and I walked home. They still ached with every move I made. My mom and brothers flew out to California tonight to spend the summer with my grandmother. I still have a week of school so I didn't go.

I didn't want to go to school tomorrow. I just wanted all my pain to go away. I cleaned myself up and changed clothes into shorts and a Star Wars shirt. I called a contact in my phone I never thought that I would call in my life and it took a while for him to pick up.

"You ready for a date lil ma?", he asked me and I didn't respond. My throats hurt too much, "I'll be over in a minute," was all he said then he hung up.

I lifted up my shirt to see a bunch of bruises and my tattoo from the first day I got here. I really am alone. I heard a knock on the door and I got up from the couch and opened it to a dude with a bag of weed. I could see the pistol poking out of his pants.

He smiled at me and walked in, "Who beat yo ass ma?", he asked and I shook my head, "It's cool you ain't gotta answer. You just wanna smoke," he said and I shrugged.

I sat down and watched him roll up a blunt for us. We smoked until I was stoned as a mother fucker. I don't know about him though. He stared at me and I stared back.

I leaned in and kissed neck, sucking on it and all. I thought that Isaiah would be the first dude I gave a hickey to, but I guess not. I only did this to get his gun. When I grabbed it and hid it behind a couch pillow, he pushed me away.

"You belong to someone else," he said, "I gotta go ma", Pump got up and left the house leaving his weed. I got what I needed and for the right reasons.

I smiled to myself as I examined it. I looked up how to work a gun in general and it was pretty hard to figure out, but I did soon enough.

I wrote a note and locked myself in my bathroom. I gave Henry all of my college savings and Lorenzo all of my technology. Even my Netflix and Hulu accounts.

I sighed at let these pros and cons run through my head. I'm not killing myself over Isaiah or Jahseh. I'm killing myself because my life can't go without me being unhappy.