Erwin x OC | The Girl From Outside

Chapter 9 - Nightmares

My first expedition beyond the walls, and I had returned to tell the tale.

I wish I could have said the same for the others.

Never in my life had I seen so much blood. The screams of my friends and comrades still rang in my eardrums, like a nightmarish song playing on repeat.

I didn't have to think very hard to be taken back to the vivid images of men and women being torn apart before my very eyes, ripped to shreds and eaten in an effortlessly horrifying act.

I thought I was going to break down at one point. Watching people being eaten alive brought back vivid memories of the day I had to watch my mother suffer the same fate. I'm glad Hanji was beside me the whole time, or I might have given up.

The mission wasn't a success, but Hanji said they never were. We returned to the Wall with less people than we left with, and nothing to show for it. I wondered how many expeditions my mom set out on, and I wondered how many times she was forced to feel like this.

We rode through the Shiganshina District, on our way back to the Survey Corps camp. Hundreds of civilians gathered around us, scowling and shouting as we passed them.

"So many people dead!" I heard one woman spit.

"Useless!"

"Worthless!"

Do they really think so little of us?

I looked up at a sea of angry and disappointed faces, all of them desperate for answers as to why it was so difficult to make progress, but amongst them I spotted a young boy with dark brown hair and emerald green eyes. He looked so amazed, in awe of the soldiers riding past him. He kind of reminded me of myself, when I fist laid eyes on the survey corps.

*A few days later*

One night, a few days after my first expedition, I found myself falling asleep on the carpet of Erwin's office again, as I regularly did. Most of the time, the commander would carry me back to my room, but I was sure he had already fallen asleep hours ago, so I allowed myself to drift off.

I was abruptly woken by distressed sounds coming from the other side of the office. I opened my eyes wearily to see Erwin with his head on the desk. He was sleeping, but even from this distance I could see that he was sweating and shaking slightly. I could see his muscles through his shirt, tensing up every so often. He almost looked like he was in pain.

He whimpered, which shocked me a little bit, as I had never heard or seen any sign of weakness come from the commander. He was always so strong, so calm, so collected. He always acted like nothing could phase him.

He started muttering a few things in his sleep, making it more than obvious to me that he was having a nightmare.

I walked over and placed my hand on the commander's arm gently, shaking him a little.

"Erwin" I whispered.

I got no response from him, just more distressed mumbles and grunts.

"Erwin" I said, a little louder this time.

Erwin's eyes blue eyes snapped open and he woke with a start, yelling as he sat up. His breathing was heavy and there was a bead of sweat on his forehead.

Although all of this shocked me, it was the look in the commander's eyes that shocked me the most.

I saw fear. Genuine fear, like nothing I'd ever seen before in this man. I had no idea he was even capable of being scared.

I stared at him for a moment, in shock. And Erwin just stared right back at me, trying to get his breath back, trying to figure out where he was. When I managed to gather my thoughts, I wrapped my arms around the commander, placing my hand on the back of his head in an attempt to comfort him.

I wanted more than anything to make him feel safe, like he always did for me.

"It's okay" I whispered.

Erwin relaxed into me, his head falling onto my shoulder. His strong arms wrapped around my waist, clutching me tightly, pulling me closer.

After a few seconds, I could feel him shaking a little, and I was about to ask what was wrong when I heard a muffled whimper coming from the blue-eyed man. Something wet started to soak through my clothes onto my skin.

Is he...crying?

Erwin was crying into my shoulder, his tears seeping through my shirt. I pulled him closer, the sounds of his distress did something to me, something I'd never felt before. Watching Erwin at breaking point made my heart shatter.

"Erwin..." I whispered.

"So many people died Charlotte" he whimpered, his voice muffled because his head was nestling in my shoulder.

"Erwin..." I placed my chin on top of his head. "They knew that it was dangerous, they knew the risks"

"They believed in me..." the commander whispered.

I decided to stay silent. As much as I wanted to counter Erwin and tell him that he was wrong, I couldn't.

Because he was right.

The people who died had families, they had their whole lives ahead of them. And they did believe in Erwin. They placed their lives in his hands.

It had only just sunk in, the conversation that Erwin and I had shared all those months ago.

"Is it a heavy burden?"

"Heavier than you could ever imagine"

I felt so terrible, that Erwin had been carrying the weight of all this death on his shoulders for so long. It must have been unbearable, to have to watch the faces of mothers and children twisting in agony as you tell them that their loved ones are dead because of a mission you sent them on.

"It's okay" I whispered. "You're not alone anymore. We can do this together"