Sold (Jay Park) (Bang Yongguk)

Hurt

I sat in the bathtub drowning in my own sorrows. Last night's events played on repeat in my head.

*FLASHBACK*

"I told you I always get what I want" the voice whispered in my ear. His hand shielded my mouth, muffling my scream, while he glided the other across my chest, Pulling at my bra strap. He started ravishing my neck feverishly.

"Your such a good girl. Let daddy take care of you." I cried, I jerked, I twisted, I tried to hurl my legs around, but his weight overpowered me, it was hopeless. Letting go of my mouth. he grabbed both my wrist and pinned them above my head as he kissed my lips. I should've screamed, I should've bit his lip, I should have done something. But I couldn't, my mind, my body, everything was just paralyzed. "You like that don't you," he said trailing sloppy kisses along my neck.

"Ro-ro-robert- please" I stuttered, my tears cascaded down my face.

"Please what baby?" he smirked an evil grin, his grip on my wrist tightening.

"Please-don't do this. I won't tell anyone, just please leave" I was in complete hysteria.

"Baby" he ran his free hand through my hair. "I know you won't say anything." He shoved something in my mouth. I immediately bucked upward and tried to scream. But my screams were muffled. "If you fight, you'll only make it worse."

*END FLASHBACK*

I remember everything, from the way he smelled, from the crazy look in his eyes, even down to his touch, and the way he felt when he had his way with me. I let the water shower over me. My eyes start to water again. I scrub harder and harder as the skin on my arm begins to peel off. It hurt but I feel dirty. My arm begins to sting and I can no longer keep scrubbing, so I finally just break down. For 18 years I lived with a mother who didn't care for me. For 18 years I raised myself. I had to be my own best friend. I had to rely on myself, and this is what it boils down to. The one time that I needed to be the woman in power, the one time I really needed to be strong, the one time I needed to protect myself, I couldn't. I let him take the one thing that kept my going, the one thing that kept me grounded, my innocence. I went through life faking my smiles, I went through life blinking away my tears because I was supposed to be strong. I was supposed to be strong for me, for myself. I'm not supposed to have any fears, I'm supposed to hold my head up high and carry the weight of the world, but yet here I am sitting in the bathroom tub, curled up, drowning in my own sorrows. I am dirty, I am weak, and I am broken. I'm so broken that I can feel it, not just mentally, but physically.

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"Ashley! Get the fuck out the bathroom!!" Bang Bang Bang. I open my swollen eyes and listen to the sound of my mother's voice. I just want her to hold me. I want her to hold me and never let me go. I want her to tell me that everything is going to be all right. I want her to be a mom. Is that too much to ask for? Just be a mom, guide me through life, hold my hand, help me. I'm tired of being neglected, I'm tired of feeling alone, I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of getting my ass beat every time she comes home drunk. I just want her to be a mom that's it. Will things ever get back to normal? Things weren't always like this, she used to love me. She used to give me kisses and hugs and tell me how beautiful I was. She used to smile at me and tell me how much I made her happy. Where is that woman? That woman that was always happy and was always filled with joy. The woman who would always pick me up when I fall. She is no longer here. The woman that was once so joyful, so filled with life, and so loving, is now empty. She's turned into a monster with no soul. The same monster who loves to watch me burn, the same monster who wouldn't even piss on fire to save my life, is the same monster who bought that man who took my innocence. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe all of this is my fault. Maybe this is just the way that I am supposed to be. I laid back into the tub until the banging stopped. I want to keep crying, but there are no more tears left. I carried myself up and out the tub and dragged myself out of the bathroom. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.