Soldier Boy

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Dean peeled out of the salvage yard, driving the familiar path to the Novak-Shurley household as fast as possible. He slowed down at the familiar police spots, but otherwise drove well above the speed limit. When he drove down that familiar street, memories were playing through his head. Dean and Cas running down the street, laughing and playing as Anna and Sam ran after them, screaming about something their brothers had done. Dean and Cas trying to outrun the cars that passed them. The boys camping in the front yard of Cas's house.

Dean saw that Cas's driveway was full of cars and wondered what he'd missed since he'd left. He parked on the street, jumping out of his car as soon as he'd parked and gotten the keys out. He ran to Cas's porch, frantically ringing the doorbell.

"I got it!" A deep voice yelled, and the door opened on a face that Dean hadn't seen in a long time and hadn't expected to see again.

"Lucifer," Dean stated, jaw dropping open in shock.

"Oh, it's this dumbass," Lucifer growled, grabbing him by his shirt and pulling him in the house.

"Who is it, Lucifer?" Dean heard an even deeper voice and then Michael appeared in the front hallway as Lucifer slammed the door closed with his free hand.

"See for yourself." Lucifer shoved Dean towards him, and Michael caught the younger man before he fell. "Dean," Michael said with surprise, as if none of them had expected him to come and see Cas. Then again, Dean hadn't exactly given them a reason to think that.

"Guys, get in here!" Lucifer yelled, and Dean could hear many sets of footsteps coming toward them. Soon, Dean saw Anna, Balthazar, Raphael, Chuck, some random lady who he didn't know, and even Gabriel. Gabriel looked shocked and close to tears as soon as he saw him, which made Dean's brows furrow.

"Oh my God," Anna whispered with relief, her mouth going to cover her mouth as tears fell from her eyes. Balthazar looked relieved, as well, but just put an arm around his sister. The woman looked confused, as if she didn't know who he was either. Raphael looked angry, which was pretty fucking scary. Chuck looked happy- and surprisingly sober.

Gabriel grabbed Dean from Michael and began dragging him upstairs without a word. Dean wanted to protest, but he couldn't seem to get the words out. His heart was pounding in his chest, and his gut tightened. He wanted to run away and hide, but his body had no power over itself. Gabriel just kept pulling Dean forward, and Dean grew increasingly pale as he was led through the house.

"I-I don't know..." Dean's words got caught in his throat once they stopped in front of Cas's room, Gabriel throwing the door open and shoving him in. Castiel was laying in his bed, and Dean thought he must've just heard a funny joke because Cas was giggling like he would when Dean would crack a joke that didn't get him full on laughing, but was still amusing. He didn't realize how wrong he was.

"Stop tickling me, Dean!" Cas gasped out, rolling around as if to shake off the imaginary arms that he must've thought were wound around his waist. Dean wanted to cry hearing his name uttered on Cas's lips, wanted to grab him and shake his shoulders and tell him that he was here. He wanted Castiel to look at him.

"Cas," Dean whispered, stepping closer. The giggles died down, and Cas looked up at Dean; But he wasn't really seeing him.

"Oh, great, I'm hallucinating two of you now," Cas chuckled, the sound harsh and self-deprecating. Dean bristled, almost offended, but also put off.

"No, Cas. I'm not a hallucination," Dean said, trying to sound gentle. Cas was... fragile. Dean needed to go slow.

"That's what you all say. But everyone keeps telling me you aren't here." Cas giggled, as if something about this was funny to him. Dean observed him for a moment, evaluating his old best friend and his strategy.

Cas had stubble growing along his chin and on his upper lip, giving Castiel a rough and I-let-myself-go look. Dean couldn't say it looked bad on him. No, in fact, Cas looked rather handsome. Personally, Dean had remained well-shaven and put together, more for his father's benefit than anything. If it wasn't for the military life and John, Dean would probably look similar to Cas.

"Come here and see for yourself," Dean said, holding out his arms. Cas hesitantly stood, treading over to Dean like a child sneaking out of their room after bedtime. Dean smiled encouragingly, waiting patiently. Once Cas was at arm's length, he reached out his own hand as if to touch his old best friend. The hand hesitated, floating midair, somewhere between the realm of comfort and solitude that he'd been living in and the unknown.

If he touched him, what would it all mean? Was Dean back for good? Or was he just here to heal and tease Castiel, then leave him in the exact same way as he had last time? Was Dean his ending or his beginning? And what if he wasn't real? What if Cas didn't truly feel him? Would a whole new era of painful hallucinations be brought on, all of them making him question what was real and what was not? And why was Dean here now, if he really was? Out of pity? Was he here due to the desperate calls of his family and Sam? Or of his own free will? Had they blackmailed him into returning? Did he hate Castiel deep down? Was Dean repelled by him?

Castiel could not be the source of his revulsion.

Castiel decided if this was a vivid hallucination, he would kill himself tonight.

If Dean was truly here, but out of pity or being blackmailed, he would kill himself.

Every scenario Cas deemed to be most likely would end in his death tonight, whether anyone knew it or not. Cas could no longer take this life of hell. He simply wasn't strong enough. Not anymore.

With a determined look, Castiel bridged the distance between his hand and his future, touching Dean's chest. His hand did not pass through. Dean felt pure and whole and real. Cas could feel his heart beating in Dean's chest. It's rhythm was sporadic and fast, but there. Cas could tell it was missing a few beats, as if adrenaline was coursing through Dean's body.

On instinct, Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean, desperate to feel the man's embrace again. Cas was like a man starved of oxygen and finally being allowed to breath for the first time. He never wanted to stop. Dean's arms curved around Cas, pulling him impossibly closer. They stayed there, clutching each other as if they were each other's anchors.

Castiel was a ship in the night, perilously close to running into the rocky shore, and Dean was his lighthouse, illuminating his way.

"It's okay. I'm here now. It'll be okay." Dean tightened his grip on the smaller man, blinking away his own tears. Dean felt his shirt where Cas was laying his head become wet, and he heard the little hiccups that came from crying and not being able to breathe properly. Dean just held him even tighter, crushing him to his chest as he tried to stifle his own tears. He had to be strong.

Dean had no excuse to cry. At least he hadn't been tortured with Cas being in danger like Dean was. He didn't have to imagine all the terrible ways Cas could get blown to bits. Dean didn't have to imagine Cas hating him for having feelings for him. Dean didn't have to suffer through everyone in his family being happy while he was in misery alone. That's the benefit of war zones. Some people may have someone they're fighting to get back to, but they're all equally miserable in that moment.

No, Dean had put himself in the situation they were in. He'd run away, subjected himself to his father's will, just so he didn't have to face having feelings for another man, his best friend. He hadn't wanted to face them then, and he had put Castiel through hell just so he could run away and hide.

He was a goddamn coward, and Cas deserved better.