Dear Diary

Day 5

A time you thought about ending your own life

Dear Diary,
                      I'm sure the people who created this challenge were mistaken.

Because there hasn't been A TIME I've thought about ending my life.

But there have been times.

The first time, was when discovered Travis lying in his bathtub, dead.

When I was done being stupefied and in denial, I realized that the razor he used to cut himself was still floating in the little pool that his blood had created.

I could see the silver metal shining through the red blood. I grabbed it and I went as far as holding it to my wrist.

I could've been with him then, we would be free of pain up there

Don't. Don't repeat my mistake

I heard Travis's voice telling me

"You're dead" I whispered, staring at his dead body.

Anger rose in me and I punched his chest, lightly

"You're dead" I shouted this time.
I was literally acting like a maniac.

I think my constant shouting about him being dead is what brought his mom upstairs to discover that her only son had killed himself.
Even when she stood there, I didn't stop.
I held up his wrist, showing it to him, as if he could see it

"You're dead" I repeated and excessive blood flowed down his wrists.

I gasped and dropped his wrist right that instant, then I ran away.

I'm sorry Travis, I'm really sorry and if it's worth anything then I still, to this day, have nightmares about that moment.
The fact that I caused you more pain wakes me up every night, it's like your soul is punishing me.

The second time, however, really cut deep.

It was one day when I came back from school, I had already had a shitty day because of Miss Helen's constant yelling and coming home to a drunk mom wasn't what I had in mind for an ideal day
The sun hadn't even set yet and she was drunk like a kid who had just finished college.

"Mom, it isn't even noon yet. Look at yourself" I sighed

"You shut the fuck up" she yelled back and then giggled
"Come sit with me" she patted beside her on the sofa. I sighed and walked towards her

"What is it?" I asked her in frustration

"I have something to tell you" she said, her face sober.
She immediately had my attention

"I want you to leave. You need to stop existing" she seethed out.
Her words hit me like a dagger
"Your father left, your brother left and now you're the only one who's here with me, telling me not to get drunk before noon as if you are my mom and not the other way around" she laughed bitterly.
I was too surprised to say anything, my tears were taking up all of me

"You're such a pathetic girl, even your boyfriend killed himself" she mocked me with the last part and it felt as if she had twisted the dagger she put in my heart.

"Mom I- I'm sure you don't mean that" I wiped one of the dozen tears on my face.
For heaven's sake, this was my mom. She gave birth to me. She couldn't do this to me.

"Don't you know silly girl? People only speak the truth when they're intoxicated" she laughed again.

I felt like the whole room was spinning in front of my eyes.

Her bitter and mocking laugh seemed to my ears like Satan's song.

"I hate you. I fucking hate you" I whispered and ran up to my room.

For the first time in months, I looked at a razor and did not see Travis anywhere.
I only saw myself, lying in a pool of my own blood.
Away from this dark and cruel world.

I pressed the razor against my skin, a drop of blood streaked down my arm.
I closed my eyes, I breathed heavily.

Half of me is already unhinged, let the other half join in too.

Don't. Don't do this.
Some foreign voice told me.

"I have to. I want to" I whispered to myself, crying

I waited and waited for the courage to come, but it never did.

It took all I had to pull the razor blade away from my soft and damageable flesh.

I looked at the mirror in front of me, drops of blood from the little wound had slipped into the sink, painting it red.

I looked at my reflection and I started sobbing loudly because what I saw wasn't Veronica Stanley, it was a girl with a tear stained and ugly face, it was a girl who was broken beyond repair, it was a girl who had been hurt so many times that she had lost count, it was a girl who had just been hurt by the one woman she held in the highest respect once.

You won't ever be able to talk about this to somebody

I realized that the foreign voice was no one but me and I also realized that this voice was right.
I will never be able to talk to this about somebody, I didn't even have anybody.

My mom had left me, my dad had left me, Travis had left me, my brother had left me and the 'friends' that I had were nothing even close to being good friends.

Was it too much to ask for a person who would be there for you, no questions asked?

I hugged myself, since there was no one else to do it for me, and I cried until my head hurt.

Then, I took the razor from the sink and tossed it away.

If no one was going to be there for me, at least I had to be there for myself. I wont ever be able to fix myself but at least I'll know that I've got myself to lean onto.

As I write this, I notice that I still have the little scar on my left wrist. It's like a medal on my wrist, which represents the fact that I survived my horrible thoughts.

But there is a little secret that I've been keeping to myself:

I couldn't sleep the whole night, I couldn't stop replaying my mother's words in my head.
What if she was right?
Maybe the world would actually be a better place without me.
So I got up and put the razor back in my bathroom.
I really really hope there isn't a third time when I attempt to kill myself.
Because quite honestly, I don't think that I'll be able to pull away for the third time. I might be strong but I'm not that strong.

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I'm not picking favorites or anything but this chapter is kind of my favorite lol.
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