Dear Diary

Day 25

Write a list of questions that you need answers to

Dear Diary,
                       I woke up this morning with Brandon by my side.

I instantly broke out in a smile when his was the first face I saw in the morning.

That smile didn't last long.

I looked at him and frowned.
The longer I looked, the harder I frowned.

There was a gnawing hole in my stomach, and it only seemed to get bigger and dissolve my whole being into nothingness.

"You know, most girls would smile when they see their boyfriend in the morning" Brandon's raspy voice filled my ears and made my heart jump.

I smiled again.

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking" I answered.

He pulled me close and I snuggled into him, inhaling his scent.

"You scare me" I confessed as I buried my face into his chest.

"Why?"

"Because you're too good, you're too good for me. I'm like this walking and talking luggage of sadness and you deserve so much more" My voice broke and I inwardly cursed myself.

This was the truth, however.

He looked into my eyes and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear.

His gentle hands caressed my cheek and he just smiled.

He didn't have to say anything for he knew, through the tears in my eyes, that I had understood.

His eyes were full of promises and desires. They wanted to tell me that he didn't care if he was good enough or not, he just cared about me.

And that should be enough, dammit, that should be!

But I'm not scared that he'll break his promises, I'm scared that I won't let him keep them.

I'm not scared that the fire of passion in his eyes will fade away, I'm scared that mine won't burn long and hot enough to compare with his.

I question everything.

Ever since I was a child, my teachers used to tell my parents that I asked a lot of questions, which was a sign of a healthy brain. But I know that so many questions annoyed them too.

I'm like a walking dictionary of questions.

And I get to list them today:

Why did Travis kill himself?
I know, dear diary, that you're so fucking tired of me asking this again and again. Trust me, I'm tired of myself too.
But no matter what I do, he doesn't seem to get out of my head. Sometimes I feel like he's here, lingering, and he feels so close that I could just touch him.

Why can I not get over Travis?
I want to get over him.
I'm tired
I'm so tired.

Is my dad free of pain, up there?

Does my mom still love me?
I know I'd like to believe that she does. But I want to know if she really does.

Does Luke miss me like I miss him?

Is Luke happy with Anastasia?

Am I going to get into a good college?

Is Laura actually changing schools because of the bullying?
Laura is the sweetest girl I know and every time she has been bullied in front of me, I've stopped it. But there's a new rumor going around school that she's leaving because she's had enough. Honestly, I can't blame her

Is Brandon happy with me or does he just pity me?

Why did God finally want to make me happy?
This is probably the most ungrateful thing I have ever said. But I can't help but ask.

I am so happy, so why does that scare me?

Will I ever be able to accept that everything actually is imperfectly perfect with Brandon?

Will me and Brandon last for forever?

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Helloooooo!

I'm finally done with my exams and freedom tastes awesome!

Happy Christmas to all those who celebrate!

I have some news though........

Once again, I might not be able to upload for a long time and I have a reason.
Trust me, I do.

It's my sister's wedding in less than 15 days!

Now I'm not saying I won't upload, but I'm not promising to upload either.
Sorry but please bear with me.
Love you all and thank you for the support!