Dear Diary

Day 20

A problem that you have had

Dear Diary,
                      In middle school, I was nowhere near the Veronica Stanley that I am now.

I was the acne stained, pigtailed girl who used the big locker doors to her advantage, to hide behind them.

No, I wasn't ugly.
No kid who has pigtails, braces or acne is ugly.

I was beautiful, I just refused to let people see it.
And that was okay too, because it was my choice.

Unfortunately, our society refuses to believe that showing or hiding my beauty is my choice, it's an abomination to be pretty and not flaunt it.

I was bullied for being the way I was.

Nobody wanted to sit with me.
Nobody wanted to play with me.
I wasn't selected for the cheerleading team.

It was like I was being told that looking the way I did was a sin, it was something that I should be ashamed of.

And so I was ashamed.

Every time I got a chance to sit at the end of the class, I silently thanked God.
Every time someone didn't point out or laugh at the pink ribbons in my hair, I wanted to dance in joy.

So the summer middle school ended, I decided to change.

Out went all the ribbons and in came acne removing creams, foundation, concealer, fashionable jewelry.

I no longer believed that my appearance was my choice.
It was mandatory to be pretty.

In the three months of summer, I coated myself with anti acne creams and face washes.

I cut my elbow length hair into a neat bob and dyed them blonde.

All my comic book tees went into the trash and I bought myself a bunch of dresses, skin tight jeans and crop tops.

I took every measure possible to be slimmer than I was.

When my acne was gone, home made masks were my go to for a better looking skin.

I was doing stuff that I snorted over a few months ago.

When I went into high school as a freshman, nobody actually recognized me as Veronica Stanley.

It took almost a month for everyone to realize that I wasn't a pro-clone and we were not living in an 'Orphan Black' universe.

I was now the new Elle Woods.

I had always thought I was pretty, but this sudden attention from everyone heightened that confidence to a level where I was oblivious of the fact that this was not ME.

I pushed my darkness away to lurk in the corners.
Now that darkness has found a way back into me.

This challenge has taught me that it's okay to have a little darkness inside me.
I might even say that I have started to accept it.

I know that the Veronica Stanley that I am right now is not the actual me.

I live for people, I laugh so they won't see my sadness, I cry so they don't think I'm made of stone, I sometimes intentionally get bad marks on an easy test to show people that I have better things to worry about.

I don't think I can change my appearance now, that will be too much to take on.

However, I am starting to work on living for myself.
Screw what other people think about me or my emotions.

Screw society.

I'm me.
I live for myself.
I'm going to start living for myself.

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What's that? Yeah, the sound of y'all gasping because I finally updated on a normal time. It's a Halloween miracle!