Dear Diary

Day 6

Your zodiac sign and if you think it suits you

Dear Diary,
                       Thank God for this topic today!

I really think that the people who made this challenge had some mercy on me.

I haven't touched you for a week because I was too lost, too scared.
Last week, I had put one of my greatest fears in black and white.

That scared me because what if there is more to me than even I am aware of?
It sounds quite funny when you put it that way, doesn't it?

Anyway, you might be wondering what gave me the courage today?
(Gosh, I'm so deranged to be talking to an inanimate object as if it's real)

My answer is, Brandon.

He had been noticing my discomfort for quite a few days now and no, he didn't ask me what happened. I think he kind of just knew, just like he always knows.

But today, he walked me home and bought me ice cream.
When we reached home, he hugged me.
He never does that unless he knows something is wrong and then..... and then he kissed my cheek. He kissed my cheek so hard, he might as well have been biting it. But that's not all. After this, he kissed my forehead.

His eyes fluttered open, catching mine and his lips were so close to mine.
So. Damn. Close.
All it would take for our lips to meet was me standing on my tippy toes or him bending down and I wanted to. I really did, but my stupid fucking self couldn't do it.

Then he left, no words said, he just left.
I'm still smiling.

Just a little bit of his attention did this to me, gave me this inexplicable courage. It makes me really scared because I don't want to give another person my heart, what if he breaks it too? I don't think my heart can handle another blow, I'm barely holding it together.

Sorry, I just wanted to let this out, now I'm back to today's topic and my zodiac sign is Sagittarius.

I looked up some of its traits, so here it is:

Straightforward- the brutal truth must be spoken at any cost
I don't necessarily think I'm straight forward. In fact, I don't think that at all. I've made myself a walking well. I've kept so many of my opinions, secrets and fears inside of me for so long that I've actually sort of forgotten what it is like to speak your mind. All I've been doing since the past two years is pretending. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be strong, pretending to be carefree.

Intellectual- you can actually be surprised when you have a conversation with them.
I don't really know about this one. Travis used to say I was one of the smartest people he had ever met and my grades say so too. I can never forget the day when I had gotten an A in our History test. I was the new girl at that time and clearly no one expected the blonde, always perfectly dressed up girl to get good grades. I mean, isn't it just a generally known fact that girls like me have no problems in their life except their new bag or new shoes or new boyfriend? That's all that socially popular girls do, right?
Our society makes me want to scoff until I've lost my ability to do so.

Philosophical- they have a very strong sense of right and wrong
I don't agree with this.
Me and a sense of wrong and right?
Yes, that's possible, only when Donald Trump stops being annoying and disrespectful.
If I knew what right and wrong was, I would never have fallen in love with Travis because it led to heartbreak.
I would've never let my mom finish that bottle of vodka on that night, because all it led to was chaos.
If I had that sense, then I wouldn't have let Brandon walk away like that today because I have feelings for him. I guess my feelings of horror overpower my feelings of affection for him by a great margin.

Careless- they often take things for granted
I totally agree with this.
I am, by far, the most careless person I have met. I don't care for things when I have them and I mourn their loss for what feels like decades, afterwards.
I have lost so many people and I always think that if I could turn back time and be with them again, I would do it all differently.
I would spend so much more time with all of those people and I would tell them what they mean to me. I have been so reckless in my life that now I obsess over everything too much.
None of those things have done me any good and now I'm just a mess. A horrible mess which no one can handle or fix.

Over confident- because they think they are perfect
I agree with this but I have mixed feelings about this being a negative trait. Sure, I am not overly self confident....maybe I am a little bit.
And I have to be, it's mandatory for me.
All of Oakwood High knows my story, they know what I've been through but they have forgotten it. Now all they see is the pretty and cheery Veronica Stanley who doesn't care about her mom's addiction. The truth is, that is what I make them believe.
If I weren't self confident then all these people would've crushed me under their six inch heel of sympathy and commiseration.

So yes, I am a bit over confident and I take pride in that fact because I cannot let people treat me like a porcelain doll. I cannot let people treat me as if I will break the second they let go of me.
Some part of me craves that, some part of me longs to be treated like a porcelain doll for once but just not from people who will do it out of sympathy and not love.
I have enough sympathy, all I need is love, without any kind of heartbreak.