Oh, Calamity (Alex Gaskarth/ ATL fan-fic)

Sick Little Games

Wow this title is surprisingly accurate! So strange! Trigger warning (eating disorder, not self-harm).

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Marina's POV:

I sat alone in Alex's room, waiting for him to get back from the dentist. My guitar was in my hand. I jotted down lyrics. "You could never leave me alone, even if you wanted to. I've been dreaming since things had gone, that they might come home soon. You're smile is the best use of my time." I tapped my pencil against the paper again. What did this feel like? You know, us, taken away from the drama of everyone else. And me, being so young. It's bittersweet. A lightbulb went off. "It's bittersweet, at nineteen, to find something that is your everything." Yeah, that sounded right.

I played a few more chords, continuing, and finishing up my lyrics. I titled it "Bittersweet Nineteen". It wasn't a thought that graced my mind often, but right now, it was all I could think about. All I wanted to, at least. All of this, it was so unfair.

I'm nineteen! I'm a fucking kid, trying to take over the world! I slammed down my guitar, becoming more and more angry. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did Colby have to be so unincluded and selfish? Why did Kianna have to shatter Jack with every piece of her being? 

I screamed aloud. Tears stung my eyes. I screamed again, in internal pain. I wailed, screaming, over and over and over. Why did Emily have to lose the baby? Why did Zack have to be dense enough to change the room without her? Why did it have to mean so much to her? Why couldn't they reach out to each other, like they always had? And why was it that Alex-

I broke down even more, letting it all go. Tearing out my hair. Repeatedly hitting the bed with my fist over and over. Why did Alex, something so amazing and beautiful and delicate have to go through this? Why did this burden have to be put on us? I cried even more. It wasn't fair! None of it was fucking fair! I, the child, had to create the glue to put things back together, but everyone was so fucking selfish! How would they feel if Alex and I walked out? How would the bands survive without us?

I sat back, letting the tears dribble down my cheeks. They wouldn't. But it was exhausting to be strong for everyone, and feed the everything I had, knowing they wouldn't swallow. I curled on the bed, bawling. There wasn't enough energy to scream anymore. I lied there, tossing my guitar back into its stand, not caring anymore. I couldn't think about anything else but the extreme emotion erupting within me.

Sabastian started barking. Alex must have been home. I stayed still, facing away from the door. I heard steps coming toward the room, becoming faster and faster. I felt his presence in the doorway, and he sat beside me. 

"Oh, Marina, shh. What's wrong honey?" He rubbed my shoulders.

That was the last thing I wanted to do, be weak for him. Put all of it on him. "No, no stop. Just, I'm sorry, but I can't do this."

His voice cracked. "What!?"

"No, I mean, I can't be weak and leave this all on you." I let out a laugh. "Did you think I was leaving you."

A look of relief filled his face. He lied beside me, holding me. "No, no. And you're not being weak. You're the strongest person I've ever met. You're just frustrated, aren't you?"

I nodded. "And exhausted."

"We're gonna get over this, I promise." He said.

"But what if I don't even want to!" I yelled. "I'm so tired that it doesn't even seem like it's worth trying!"

"Marina, don't-" He stopped.

"Don't what?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "Then fine, don't do it for them. Fuck all of them. I don't care about them. But we built these bands together. Please, just do it for me." He begged, sitting on his knees in front of me.