Oh, Calamity (Alex Gaskarth/ ATL fan-fic)

Guts

Marina's POV:

Oh. My. God.

That was his number. I still knew it, every single digit, by heart. I tapped the button to hear it, completely shaken by what may happen next.

"Marina, It's Alex. Don't hang up. I just need to know something. I need to know why you were so emotionless. So steadfast when I left. It didn't effect you then. Is it effecting you now? I don't want an apology. I just want to know-"

I ended it, deleteing it imediately. I didn't wanna hear his voice anymore. How. Could. He. This was just so uncool. I tried breathing to calm down, and swallow my thoughts. I needed to make sure this never happened again. I dialed the number, still shaking. I prayed it would go to the answering machine.

"Alex Gaskarth-" it said in his voice, then switched to the machine. "Is not available right now. At the tone, and leave your message."

It beeped. I opened my mouth and took a breath.

""Alex, this is Marina. If you ever try to contact me again, I will report you for harassment and get a restraining order. Bye."

I hung up. Tears dripped down my face. Something felt so wrong about doing this to him.

I sat at the table, waiting for the coffee pot to heat up. The mountains possesed a cold, isolated tone, almost as if they were shunning me. What had I done? What monster had I become?

But that wasn't the proper phrasing. The fault lied on him. What monster had he unleashed? I'd never know. Of course, I'd never see myself the way others viewed me. I only ever see the part of me that one can see from their own eyes.

Perspective. Isn't that what this fight was all about? Proper or improper judgements? And I finally, in this moment, came to terms with myself: I fucked up. I should've told Alex. I should have went right home from the bookstore and spilt every single word. I want him back. I need him back. I wondered if it was too late, since I sent that message. I realized it was.

It was too late to do anything now. No matter how badly I missed him, he only saw me as this scarred but strong soldier; a person who is so uninvolved with anything but defending themselves. I had been stupid. Wrong. Vain. That was the true monster that lived within me.

_________________________________________________________

I'd spent the day alone from everyone. There had to be a way to relieve this pain without inflicting it physically upon myself. It couldn't be escaped by talking to anyone, because I wasn't ready to confess my wrongs. I was searching for something that may trigger an acceptance, however I knew I'd never find it. But sitting with my laptop in the back lounge of my bus was something to keep me occupied.

I was wallowing in self hatred, digging into archives on youtube, in the hopes that I may find a particularly distracting or warm song to indulge in. It was one of those things that you don't find, it finds you. That's exactly what this song became.

The Calendar by Panic! at the Disco. I knew All Time Low were touring with them, but I remembered that I liked the song. I hadn't heard it in forever, so I clicked. One simple click can change a mood forever.

"It's said if you don't let it out,
You're gonna let it eat you away.
I'd rather be a cannibal, baby.
Animals like me don't talk anyway.

Feel like an ambulance,
Chaser of faith.
Pray I could replace her,
Forget the way her tears taste.
Oh the way her tears taste.

Put another X on the calendar.
Summer's on it's deathbed.
There is simply nothing worse,
Than knowing how it ends.

And I meant,
Everything I said that night.
I will come back to life,
But only for you.
Only for you."

Tears rushed down my face with more power than a waterfall.