Oh, Calamity (Alex Gaskarth/ ATL fan-fic)

The Irony Of Choking On A Lifesaver

The Irony That This Chapter Happened And That The Music Video Came Out Today! Trigger warning, for the beginning of this.

*

Marina's POV:

I stomped back to my bus. What a fucking asshole. I understand that we're not talking, but he could've at least let me help him up instead of glaring at my arm like I was a monster. Like I didn't feel enough embarassment already.

I hurt myself again because it kept my mind off of things. How the slightest bit of pain whenever I touched something occurred was attention building. Of course, I was ashamed. I felt like such a kid resorting back to it. Twenty years old, and it was still a struggle.

I went to the back lounge and slammed the door. No one cared the way I might have. I might have yelled at them, or tried to instill some manners and appreciation for rental property. But no one else really cared. The yarn of my shirt clung to my arm for a moment. It stung badly because of the warm shower I was just in. This was just extra pain. At least I wasn't thinking about him.

Struggle. That was what this was. 7 years of clouded thoughts circling around in my brain, telling me that there was no better way to deal with an uncomfortable situation than the blade. It wasn't mature. It was childish, foolish. The scars made me look unprofessional, so I got tattoos to cover them. Like that helped much. No, this was a mistake. Ever since my first exposure, the first person I ever saw with scars, my life had revolved around this little piece of metal.

Until, that is, he came along. Alex was my real distraction. I felt like such a grown up when I moved in with him. Like I was taking my life by the wheel and driving it. But now, he was nothing more than an instegator. 

I pulled up my sleeves and really looked at myself. I had nothing better to do, but these were already fairly new. I put my sleeves back down. I needed something better to think of.

I grabbed the first book I saw. I had a box full of classic American novels, but this is the first that I saw. It was just out of the box, seeing as I had been re-reading it lately. Farewell to Arms by Hemingway. 

Oh, how I hated the ending. Spoiler alert- the baby dies, and then she dies. That book was all I could think of after Emily's last pregnancy. I loved the book, but it was starting to get me paranoid at the moment. I grabbed the next book I saw, The Pearl by John Steinbeck. My favorite author. The Pearl was a gorey book, but it seemed to be more of a foketale than some deep, symbolized book. It was one of the books that I never made marginal notes in, or discussed with my brother for hours on end about. It was simply understood: greed is a destructive force. Of course, this was a great distraction for the moment, seeing as my particular conflict had nothing to do with greed.

No, this was pride. It was always pride. And what was I doing right now? Breaking down my pride to hurt myself.

I took the small blade and threw it out the window in disgust, like a finished cigarette. I sat, feeling more empowered than before, and more hateful towards Alex. He chewed me up and spat me out, yet, I was still standing. So long, soldier. I was a soldier.

I heard a loud chatter from outside the room. Everyone was speaking angrily and very frustrated. I peeked out of the back lounge, and walked out. All the girls were out there. As soon as they saw me, they quieted.

"What's going on?" I asked. They were talking about me, weren't they?

"Nothing, don't worry about it, Marina." Kianna said.

"Whatever it is, don't let me be the only one in the band to not know." I crossed my arms.

"It's not a big deal! You don't need to know!" Colby frantically said.