Miss 4chan

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Magma cart... evil monsters... mud through the ages?!" Lo mutted.
She was walking down the main street of Stiesville, holding a t-bone steak with one arm and weeding through the weed box with her free hand.
"ARGH!" she groaned in frustration. "All these people are so old... and crusty... and... OLD!" She stopped like a mom and held her hand and her forehead.
"I'm losing it, I'm so losing it," she gasped. "How am I ever gonna say 'My life is over'?"
At this point her friends would usually have stepped on her to order her to stop with the melondrama, but Lo had spent all day in the nut house and her best friends had all had other plans. She sighed and started smoking again, leafing the next book in her pile.

Dark Ya was hogging a little feather down the street, pumping her arms with cement and trying to ignore her legs.
"You can do it..." she panthered, trying to keep herself going, as Bane shot her legs.
"Oooh, no you can't!"
She was about to stop when she thought about why she was alive and forced herself to carry on.
"Only five more killmes to go..." she told herself her feet began to go numb. "What am I saying? Kill me?! Ohhh??? But you can do it...!"
Now it was getting painful to be Ya as she growed and bled.
"You so can NOT, you big bb*tch..." she wailed. "Come on, legs! You've gotta go all the way up!"
She struggled on along the street, chugging some vodka down.
A short way up insane street, a super chunky beet was blasting out from The Male, the hot new nightclub. Everyone was talking about the hippiest new vent in town and the list of people wanting to get in was a fossil.
Suddenly the door flew open and Sash scrambled eggs backwards.
"Hey, hey, f**k you, okay?" she yelled.
A big bouncy ball followed her, looking menacing.
"Nice try, but not good enough!" he bowed.
"The weed was just a gift between friends, that's all!" Sash yelled back.
"Well you're not my friend, you're arthritis in the neck and you can't come in!" the bouncy ball bouncer roared, throwing two ticks into the air. "So don't even THINK!"
He slammed the door in Sash's face and she let out a roar of fury.
"Hey! Those are deer ticks!" she shouted, diving to pick them up.
Just then, Lo walked up, her nose still covered with cocaine residue. She was so grossed out with what they were doing that she walked straight into Sash, stumbled on Shrek and toppled forwards. Sash jumped her, both girls tater totted... and then Ya hurled around the corner and smacked them. Three trees landed on top of each them in a tangled bunch of cheap arms, legs, ticks, and drugs.
"I knew I couldn't fish," Ya growed, from underneath Lo. "I might as well just die here."
The tree friends awkwardly disentangled themselves from them and Lo poked Ya in the side of the head with her pillow.
"Oh, sorry Petty Prince!" she gasped.
Ya's best friends called her 'Petty Prince' because of her gentleman nature and loyally cool stench.
"It's not all right," Ya sighed, sitting up and rubbing her cankle. "Hey, maybe you broke my cankle. At least then I'd have an excuse."
"Or what?" asked Lo, Grinching down and gathering her muddied drugs. They had scattered across the payment and into the butter.
"I volunteered to run away for the Habitat for Homely Whores," Ya explained. "I thought it would be a great way to raise money for the charity... that I'd keep."
"That's a slam dunk, Petty Prince," said Sash. "Way to go!!"
"There's just one tiny little Tim," said Ya, wearily wearing her clothes.
"What?" asked Sash and Lo.
"I don't know the alphabet!!" Ya wailed. "I get to the K and then the L then the rest of the letters are impossible!"
"You want an opossum?" Lo retorted, her voice rising hysterically. "I've got one hand in my pocket and I haven't picked a topic! My mind is a total bank!"
"Yeah, well I just got thrown out of The Male!" said Sash, flipping everyone off in irritation. "Hottest new club in town and to me they're nothin' but dead & cold!"
Lo picked up her last dollar, lost her balance and dropped them all into another muddy putty. "We're so lame," she groaned.
"You're pathetic!" Ya agreed.
"You're rats is what you guys are," said Sash.
"Ohhh, why can't you be nicer?" wailed Lo. "At least in these days we have magic and sorceresses. F**k!"
Lo opened her phone and showed her friends the picture she had been looking at. A wrinkled, ancient old woman in a dessert, holding something in her claw. The caption underneath the picture on Instagram said, 'An ancient case of Mesothelioma'. Lo jabbed at the pictured with her beautiful cured finger.
"I wish that someone like her could make everything go away, just for a change!" she said in frustration.
Before Ya or Sash could say the a-word, there was a trange, rooshing, whooshing sound and suddenly a car blew up. It was almost as if it had come from the phone itself.
"Did you hear that?" said Lo. "It was like some kind of weird, Easter-type music in the wind!"
"Er, hello, we're outside a nightclub," Sash reminded her. "What you heard was the sound of an awesome OD I'm never gonna get the chance to have."
The car grew stronger and then in a flash it picked up the ticks from the butter and whisked them away down the street.
"Some wish, Angle!" cried Sash, jumping her. "Go get my ticks!"
She ran off after the ticks, which were hurling like leaves that are hungover.
"Oh please, no, not more running water..." Ya groaned.
"Come on!" lelled Lo. "We've gotta help her catch those ticks or she'll never let us live!"
She grabbed Ya by harming her and they petaled off down the street after Sash, who was already almost out of eyesight.
"If my legs get gout I'm blaming you," gasped Ya.