crush ⚣ joshler [✔︎]

fourteen

*flashback*

i held the gun in my hand and everyone was looking at me exceptionally. the sweat ran along my spine slowly, making my nervousness increase for some unknown reason.
-c'mon josh, we don't have the whole fucking day. jake growled angrily. there was no turning back now, the woman i once called my mom was laying in front of me, almost dead already. i did not deserve this, if it wasn't for my family i would've been in school now, working my ass off like the other kids. but no, i had to kill for the sixth time in my twelve year old life. not only did i have to kill, no. i had to kill the woman who took care of me when no one else did. the woman who dried my tears when it was needed, the woman who gave me food, clothes and a roof over my head. the woman who would just love me the way i was. it was terrifying, who would love me now?
-i'm sorry. i whispered and shot her right by her temple. then i fell to the ground, crumbled up like a ball, tears escaping my eyes furiously.
-i'm so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry.

*end of flashback*

-josh? are you there josh? tyler waved his hand in front of me with a face of panic. i sat up quickly, sweat running along my spine furiously as heavy breaths escaped my dry mouth.
-yeah, yeah. i'm sorry. i dragged my hand through my hair slowly. everything felt so unreal for a moment. i felt numb but still i was in so much pain. i'm such a terrible person. tyler deserves a so much better person than some maniac killer. i mean he doesn't know that i kill people but that's probably what he thinks of me. isn't that what everyone think of me? a maniac fucking killer.
-a maniac killer. it rolled perfectly on my tongue. why did it roll perfectly on my tongue? it shouldn't.
-what? josh stop. you're not a maniac killer. tyler rubbed my back lightly and looked at me with pleading eyes.
-YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I AM. AND THAT FUCKING SUCKS. i accidentally screamed, tears were forming behind my eyes. tyler looked at me with disbelief.
-listen, i don't know if you've killed someone or not but what i know is that you're not a maniac killer and you'll never be. his voice was sad and knowing kind of. like he knew so much about me without me even telling him anything, he just... knew?
-tyler.. i'm not the person you think i am.. i-i am a horrible pers- my sentence was cut short by tyler, he put his small hand on my mouth and closed his eyes slowly.
-listen josh.. he started with a sigh following short after.
-i know that i don't know you completely. i get that you aren't the person i thought you were. i get that the joshua i had a crush on for years isn't the joshua you really are. but it doesn't matter, as long as you are. . . you, i'll love and appreciate you. because no one's perfect or anything. if you kill people, there's really nothing i can do about it. yes, it is pretty scary but y'know, i guess it's worth it. i hope you're worth it josh.

-

-oh my god! i screeched upon seeing the garment flowing perfectly around my waist.
-let me see! josh called happily. i immediately felt nervousness bubble in my stomach. i had never shown myself in a skirt to anyone before. josh would never accept me in this.
-no. i would not let a skirt be the end of josh's and i's friendship.
-awh, come on. please let me see! he pleaded, sounding desperate even though he probably didn't care.
-no.
-why not? he asked gently. gosh why was he so eager to see me in this? he didn't know a skirt was around my waist, that was probably why.
-i'm scared. i admitted lowly.
-why is that? his voice was now closer.
-you'll hate me.
-just because of a piece of clothing?
-mhm..
-come on ty, i would never hate you because of what you wear. he sounded so convincing but i didn't want to believe him. he doesn't know until he has seen me, right?
-alright.. wait. i said after a long time of silence. i took a deep breath and slowly walked out, i  immediately  felt all the eyes clinging to me. josh just looked at me with wide eyes.
-i knew you'd hate me. i threw out and closed the door to the dressing room again. i could hear josh immediately standing up.
-no, i don't hate you. i just haven't seen someone so pretty in a simple skirt.

-

a/n
sorry for taking so long on updating i just haven't had internet for like two weeks now. (bc i wasn't home.)
and ik that i always promise to update more often then never do it. but i promise that i'll try to update more often now that i'm home.
thank y'all so so so so much for being so patient.
ik that this isn't the best story, not even close lmao, but it means really much that people read it.