crush ⚣ joshler [✔︎]

fifteen

major trigger warning in this chapter!
it contains suicidal thoughts, (almost, idk it's like not really a suicide attempt but it still is) suicide attempt, depressing thoughts.
the triggers will end at  '///'

josh was laying in the bed as i was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, crying. the thoughts were getting to me. i just couldn't take it anymore, living in constant fear. always thinking that either brendon comes and finds us or josh leaves. i always live off of other people. when will it be my turn to be someone's purpose for the minute, hour, day, week or whatever. i mean no one even noticed i'm gone. no calls or messages or even snaps.

maybe this is it. i thought to myself. i stood up, dried my tears and washed my face. i walked out and got my sleeping pills. i hadn't been using them for awhile so there was pretty much left, more than i needed to kill myself. josh suddenly stopped me when i was about to go into the bathroom again. i put the little container in my pocket and tried to hide it.
-sweetie? he asked warmly, almost making me cry again.
-y-yes? he immediately shot up from looking at his phone.
-is something wrong? his eyes were full of concern, how could i do this to him? but he doesn't care, right? i just stared at him, not knowing what to say. he came closer and hugged me tightly.
-i know this is hard, ty. but we'll get through it. i love you and i promise you that i will always protect you with all my heart. i nodded in response slowly, drying the tears i didn't know had escaped my sad eyes.
-you wanna go on a date tonight? his warm lips touched my cold, quivering ones. i nodded once again, trying to break a smile for him.
-j-josh..
-yes, sweetie? i looked at him carefully, not knowing if i was gonna tell him or not. i just took the container out of my pocket and showed him. his eyes widened, immediately knowing what i was about to do. he snatched it out of my hand, a little rougher than he had intended. his eyes started getting teary.
-don't you ever leave me. please. he wrapped his arms around me, a little too tight but it was okay. at least someone cared.

///

i put on the skirt josh had bought me two days ago, it was a black one with straps up to my shoulders. i then put on a white t-shirt where it said 'cute but psycho' with black letters. i picked up the cute choker josh also had bought me, it was black with a heart in the middle (look at picture).

was it too much? i mean i already dressed pretty feminine. maybe people would label me as some slut. i suddenly felt a warm hand on my shoulder, it was josh's.
-you should wear it. i didn't buy it so you could just look at it, silly. he smiled at me, motioning to the choker. i looked at him with a tricky face expression.
-i don't want people to think i'm a slut. i admitted as i turned around and looked down at his feet.
-you're not a slut because you wear a choker. i mean most girls out there wear chokers it's not like every single one of them are sluts, ty. and you know you're not a slut, right? he picked up my chin slowly, i nodded, still tricky look on my face.
-so? you know and that's all that matters. he pecked me on my chin and walked away again, starting the shower. i turned around again, looking myself in the mirror. i'm gonna wear it. as soon as it was on i put my thigh high socks on and layered high lighter on my cheekbones. i had never been myself fully, i was gonna go all in for once. (a/n that sounded dirty, didn't mean it that way lmao) when i thought my high lighter was poppin' enough i put on some mascara and plucked my eyebrows slightly.

-wow. you're lookin' bomb, ty!

-

a/n
yay tyler is himself c:
idk if i've written about how he wanted to dress more feminine n shit earlier but that was my thought all along tihi.
anyways hope y'all are feeling good.