Letters to J

August 04, 2017

August 04, 2017.

To,

Dearest "J",

It's been quite a few days and I've been thinking, evaluating and reevaluating all the choices I've had to make in life. The ones which were made for me and the ones I never thought about but eventually became a part of my life. You were one of those. I wish I could say you were a drunken mistake but sadly you weren't. I never drank and you were chosen in sobriety, consciously. You were one of those "J"

I never could've thought I would have to make a choice. Not over you. Some things are just ours, right? No! Nothing is ours. Not even our own lives belong to us then how could we possibly fathom that a human does.

You were familiarity I suppose though you were no more than a stranger in my life. If someone were to ask me a single thing I hate about your existence, my reply would probably be how you entered my life and resided in it: uninvited. You inhabited my heart as if you were destined to.

Sometimes I think the universe blessed me when you came into my life but other times I think, you were a curse. You are a blessing, a curse, a desire, a longing, a mistake, an illusion all at once. How can you be all these things? Which makes me wonder about your existence? Are you even real?

I guess I would've never known if I hadn't felt you, your presence, and your flesh against mine. I would still be in doubt but I have held your hand, your fingers have brushed over mine and I have hummed to the consistent rhythm of your unprecedented heartbeat.

You must be wondering why I am reminiscing over you? Well, someone told me, to let go of someone or something, you have to first accept it. You have to face the truth, let it become in sync with your unguarded thoughts, let it become a part of you, let it consume you in every sense and when it feels like , your heart is about to burst, breathe in a deep breathe and let it all go.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm trying to remember how to forget you. It's not easy. I don't like who I have become but this is who I am now and this is how I feel.

I remember very distinctly the first time I heard about you. No, there were no praises, no sugar coated stories, rather a mundane truth. You were the guy, at the substation who had unceremoniously and very ungracefully drank water from my best friend Rebecca's water bottle without her permission and she was furious. Childish, I know. She is territorial and you had just shrugged off her glares, throwing away the bottle. Safe to say, you were the topic of our first period gossip that day.This happened a few months before I met you. 

So for those few months, you were the guy at the subway station. The one with crease lines permanently etched on his forehead and bold wayfarers often accompanied with a pained expression. Yeah, you weren't the next Leonardo DiCaprio that's for sure. But something about your very plain looks was more intriguing than a walking Casanova.

You studied at a neighboring high school, this we got to know through our friend Mark who "knew" you. Rebecca couldn't have been more relieved as she put it; "At least no jerks will be ruining our lives" She couldn't have been more further from the truth.

So from my dramatic friend I got my first insight into the most confusing person I ever had the misfortune to meet.  And so I got to know you, "J".

Let the curtain fall, the antagonist of my story just made his appearance. Why did I call you an antagonist? Well, because you and I are on the opposing sides of the same story.

Let me take you back to the time when we never expected to find ourselves in each other's presence. That was a long time ago, wasn't it? That fated or should I say, ill fated night. I can still feel the cold frigid November air, enveloping me in its forced embrace. The night I went out with my friends to a local concert that was taking place at the community center of our town. The night I would finally let loose, enjoy high school. The night we met.

If only! If only I knew that even the best laid plans can get disrupted!

 That dim orange glow of the food court at the community center still blares in my eyes when I'm reminded of that day. My group had rendezvoused there before the concert. Rebecca, Mia, Mark, Stacy, Stella and Aileen, all were there. Our group was complete.  Everyone was engrossed in a dull conversation regarding which band should be opening the concert. I was least bothered and was mindlessly staring at the glass doors.

Low and behold. The glass doors open and you waltzed in. I would've never known who you were if it hadn't been the gasp that escaped from Rebecca's mouth and an exclamation of "Hey! Dude!" by Mark.  Apparently you were Mark's friend and he had invited you as well without telling us. Rebecca had described you perfectly except for the eyes. She had told me that you had grey eyes which as she put it, bore holes  right into  people. But she was wrong! So wrong! In reality, you had eyes which saw right through my act, the moment our eyes connected.

Mark introduced you as his friend and it wasn't long before we all got acquainted. You were sitting right beside me, at first, but I saw you make your way round the table, to sit across from me. I noticed how your eyes flickered in between moments to catch a glimpse.

Call it whatever, curiosity or just getting to know someone, but we found ourselves noticing each other's antics more than necessary, though I kept to myself the whole time.

Who knew? In a matter of hours you'd be the guy who became my friend and more. But you know what they say. Pour carefully or you might just over spill. The rest is for another day. Realization is best when it settles in, bit by bit.

Yours undeniably,

A.