Letters to J

August 23, 2017

August 23, 2017

To,

Dearest "J",

It happened! There was a brief flutter of eyelashes, a hint of an exaggerated breath and then it happened! You opened your eyes. Those soulless, deep, hazel eyes and I breathed again as if for the first time in forever. She doctors were all there and so were your parents. I stood over you as well, like a guardian angel. I wanted to be present to witness "The Miracle" however I didn't have the courage for the miracle to wake up and recognize me.

So when you wake up from your seemingly endless sleep, I darted out the door without a single glance towards your father who raced out after me. I sprinted down the white marble steps, the white walls becoming a blur and the smell of disinfectant suddenly becoming too overwhelming for me to tolerate. I was once again a stranger. I barely made it to the exit when your father caught up to me and I halted.

"Amelia! Dear, you don't have to leave"

"But I don't wish to stay"

"After all this time? After all the waiting? You want to leave without a single word to him."

"I don't think your son even wants to talk to me. He hates me and so should I."

"Hate you? Whatever for dear?"

"Something's are better left unsolved. Like the status of our relationship and what happened to 'us'. It is better this way. I wish him all the health and happiness in his life. But I'm afraid I must go. I've already overstayed my welcome and I don't wish to intrude anymore. Tell Jane goodbye from me, she is truly a wonderful woman."

I was about to depart after giving a very vague explanation to your father when he said this:

"I'm not aware of what goes on in my son's private life. He has always kept it, well, 'private'. I don't you much but from your time spent here I can say this, you are one of the best things that could happen to him. Many have broken his trust; more have taken advantage of his wealth and status. Those lowlifes he once hung around with, blowing their lives away in puffs of smoke, didn't even bother to visit him here, too afraid they'd get in trouble for underage drinking. That obnoxious girl I forced him to be around, Elaine, my business partner's daughter, all because it was good for our future and never once did I bother to think that there would be no future if he wasn't alive. My greed had blinded me."

He heaved a long sigh before continuing.

"I know something was up. I would find him up at odd hours of the night, aimlessly walking around the upper balcony would even find him sometimes sobbing, sitting on the front porch, his head between his legs. I never gave it much of a thought but figured it out the wrong way. His doctors said to me, he had paid visits to the hospital many times. They had recognized him. Apparently he was clinically depressed and had turned up here, half out of his wits under the influence of alcohol"

"There were other things I noticed too. Like when he came home one night back in November, he was all too chirpy for no reason. He would smile and sit with us. Talk to us. There were times when his rebelliousness didn't faze us. He was happy and we could see it but I turned a blind eye to it. Forced the bearings of the business on him when he clearly wanted to pursue law"

I could sense where the conversation was heading. He wanted to blame himself.

"I made my son, my own flesh follow a path of destruction. I basically gave him the map to go down the road to his destruction, even when his heart was in the right. He had a heart of gold, pure gold. It was pure and innocent like the color white and my greed tainted it with black tar. I will never forgive myself for it but I have to admit, there was a person who brought light into his darkness. It was you. You were his saving grace"