Letters to J

August 12, 2017

August 12, 2017.

To,

The one and only "J",

I said it out loud! Just before they let your family in, I snuck in to see you. The doctors aren't allowing me to stay here. They say I'm a nuisance but all I do is sit, on a chair in the corner of the waiting room. It's practically home to me now. Today is Sunday but I didn't even know till I found out that half of your doctors were on holiday.

Time doesn't move around here. Without you nothing ever changes. Everything is the same. The same it was before you came into my life. I don't think anything will ever be the way it was again. Not without you, anyway.

"The storm blows,

My dreams are like snow,

Never constant like the stars,

So are you,

Never there where I want

You to be,

You leave me to fall

But why do I always fall for you,

You weren't ready to break my fall

But your arms were ready for the catch,

And I fell

But so did you,

You landed on a bed of roses

While my body became prey to the thorns"

How could someone so harmless be so destructive? Your face and approach is the epitome of innocence while your heart and soul are the biggest traitors I've ever known.

Before you came in my life, it was pretty mundane. It wasn't boring but it wasn't exciting either. You brought a hurricane of feelings with you. A hurricane that was great, powerful and all destructive.

Our two weeks of bliss went by in awkward encounters in front of friends and secret meetings in undiscovered heavens. I gave you my all. How could I've been so naïve to not notice the withdrawals? As the days of our trip came to an end, I saw you withdrawing from us. You wouldn't sit with everyone. I would always find behind the cabins on your phone, always on your phone. But you never let my doubts become a reality. Your love and trust were that strong.

And I swear I only fell as hard for you. I don't regret a minute of loving you but I do regret having so much faith in you. I regret giving every fiber of my being to you. Because when you left, you took every fiber with you, leaving me with emptiness, a void which would never be filled. I don't have anything left except for my words which I know don't mean much to a dying person.

And so came the last day of our trip. We had made most of the sun while it was out and had retired early that night as we had to clear out the cabins by 7 the next morning. It was the dead of the night when you came to my room and woke me up. Your eyes were bloodshot and glistening with moisture. I didn't need you to say anything to know that you were drowning I know exactly how you felt. I've felt like that my whole life.

My life could be summarized in one quote by Lauren Oliver, "I'm dead but I can't stop living"

And on that day I knew, just like me, you were dead too. Not literally but figuratively. You were also stuck living the same lie over and over again. It's a weird emptiness one feels when they have everything they ever wanted but nothing they'll ever need. I have all the luxuries but no comfort, no solace and most of all I no longer have you.

You took my hand and dragged me out of the bed. You didn't utter a single syllable. You didn't really have to. Your actions were enough. You're shaking, hand clasping mine as if hanging on for dear life. You held on so tight and for a moment I thought, that if ever it was your hand that slipped from mine. I would be the one to grasp it back again, tightly.

We were outside of the cabin and onto the beach, hurtling towards the oncoming tides, breathe a mile apart and our lungs heaving out of our chests and an uncertainty which surpassed all. Then you turned towards me and I almost didn't recognize your eyes. They were no longer the warm lively eyes but were soulless and dark. Your lips set in straight line and your jaw clenched as if you were holding back a sob, or an accusation or a confession or maybe all three.

I didn't dare utter a word because for the first time in my whole life I had nothing to say. Absolutely nothing to say. And with calculated steps you made us stand on the shore, right before a fast approaching tide and you said in a deafeningly silent voice, "This tide is my whole life. You can either ride it or get washed up on the shore by it. You sure you want to be a part of it?"

I didn't know at that time what brought on this revelation but I do know now. Your life really was a tide.

I didn't have to reply because before I could even open my mouth the tide had come. I didn't ride it. I also didn't get washed up on the shore by it. I stood exactly where I was, my feet firmly rooted in the sand and my whole body drenched in salty sea water, the sand particles sticking to my skin like another layer. The water had gone in my eyes and it was hard to see clearly but you were still standing there and that was my answer.

I had felt the pain, the uncertainty, the stormy sea your life was and I was determined to plant my feet so deep in the sand that no matter how hard the tide maybe, it wouldn't carry me away from you. But who was I to know, that it would be your feet that would falter.

You knew my answer and that was probably why you diminished the distance between us and flung me forwards right into your perfectly sculpted chest as you angled your head dangerously close to mine and in an instance your lips were right where they belonged, molded with mine.

Yours forever,

A.

GR"