Letters to J

August 10, 2017

August 10, 2017

To,

Dearest "J",

That night you came to my house. You climbed the tree in the backyard all the way to my window. Meeting you in the dead of the night or even allow you inside my room would seal my fate.

After much hesitation and contemplation the look on your face melted my heart. You were the first guy I sneaked into my room. You made me a rebel.

The silence between us was full of longing, desire and confusion. Your body whilst dominating was stiffened and your eyes were fighting a battle of feelings and rationality. And so before I could even utter a word, you embraced me in your arms. It wasn't an, I'm-your-best friend-way but a more sensual and loving way. Every second of that magical embrace was surreal.

You made me fall when you had no intention of catching me. You weren't ready. You kept uttering over and over again, "We are friends, just friends", as if reminding yourself so you can accept it but like mine, your heart was too, in denial. It was never supposed to escalate to this point. We both knew, this was destruction, destruction of our friendship, us and yet we were slaves to our hearts most contemptuous desires. So we surrendered to the thralls of forbidden desires and succumbed to our primal instincts. We did what we wanted. Your lips pressed to my forehead, peppering feather light kisses in their wake.

The rest of the night was spent, me, trying to believe what you were re-assuring me about and you accepting the choice of fate.

As soon as the first ray of sun fell on the glass of my window, you grabbed your camera, snapped a picture of mine and left as discretely as you could. I could see you leaving through my half shut eyes, I wanted to stop you but I didn't. So you left and went back to your perfect life which never lacked the presence of someone as inadequate as me.

The last two weeks we spent together were the best. The laughs we had, the memories we made and to think this was all for naught. To think that just three days after spending two weeks in heaven, you'd be lying here, cold as a stone on this grim hospital bed, slowly slipping away from my grasp I wish I could forgive you but I'm struggling. I'm struggling because I don't know how.

They wouldn't let me see you or say anything in my defense. So, I thought of the only way I could communicate with you. They say you won't wake up, so you won't ever read these, but I have to try. You will wake up! And when you do, I'll be there for you; always

Those two weeks out of the six weeks of summer vacation I spent with you were the most blissful. My friends had planned a getaway to the beach. Rebecca's dad had cabins at the beach which they rented out to tourists. It was fortunate for us when two bookings were cancelled and Rebecca asked us if we were willing to join her on a two week stay at the cabins alongside the beach. The beach wasn't far from my place but I couldn't decline. Even being with friends was enough to make the summer better. Everyone approved of the idea and Mark even invited you to join us, much to the displeasure of Rebecca. But you didn't turn up when we were loading our stuff in the car and Mark shrugged off my inquiry by saying, "He must be busy"

When I was sure, that you weren't going to join us, you again showed up. You have a knack for throwing my wits off balance. When we reached at the cabins, you were already there. You had a duffel bag slung over your shoulder and a drugstore plastic bag in your hand. Your face held a sheepish expression and you said, "It was a last minute decision"

You settled in with the Mark in the other smaller cabin while the girls interrogated me whether I knew of your plans beforehand or not. You had an affinity for proving me wrong. You knew I didn't expect you to come, so you did.

Those two weeks, the memories we made, we didn't capture them. We didn't know that good things don't last forever, so we never bothered. We didn't need any proof.

Proof! What is proof? It is something that denies the existence of something as just a rumor or misconception. Pictures, articles, newspaper clippings and documents are all proofs. People keep pictures of their beloved in wallets, hanging on their walls as remembrance and I fail to see the importance. I'd rather tuck their memory in a corner of my heart than televise to every know soul through screenshots. I would rather love and keep holding on to their every word like a drowning man to a rock than ever let anyone's ears catch them. And lastly I would rather be all consumed by  them than be on the outside looking in because I love hard, fast, fierce and most of all, all consuming, eternal.

You were that person "J". And I didn't need any proof of being with you. This is probably why the reason we have no pictures together. But you did take a picture of mine and never showed me. I found out on that ill fated day. I want to delve in more memories but they won't let me.

They say the time for visitors in the waiting room is over. Visitors? They don't even let me see you. All I do is wait, wait and wait. When will you wake up? More importantly will you ever wake up? Please wake up! I'm remembering how to forget you. I don't want to forget you!

Yours eternally,

A.

P.S:- Your mom blames me!