Letters to J

August 08, 2017

August 08, 2017

To,

Dearest "J",

Have you ever heard that song? It's called "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia. Its lyrics go something like this,

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see

The perfect sky is torn

You're a little late; I'm already torn, torn

There's nothing where he used to lie

My inspiration has run dry

That's what's going on

Nothing's right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on this floor

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see

The perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I'm ashamed

Bound and broken on the floor

You're a little late; I'm already torn, torn

This song represents us so beautifully. We are torn, aren't we? Who to choose? Who is better? We don't want labels. We don't want judgment.

When we are together, it's like there is no tomorrow. No restrictions, no time frame and no pressure. And it all crumbles when you hide the true nature of our relationship in front of your friends. You assure me that I'm not just some hot chocolate friend you made. I'm more than that. More than a best friend and even more than a label like a girlfriend. You say I'm your soul mate and then you hide me like I'm a dirty little secret. Are you embarrassed of me? Am I that resentful?

All these questions haunt me at night and my brain comes up with thousands of logical explanations in your defense while my heart bleeds for them to be true. And because of this I fell in love with this song, "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron.

Because I wanted to believe that we were two travelers who met at the subway but were boarding two different trains to two different destinations.

"I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.

Take me back to the night we met,

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you,

Take me back to the night we met"

It was 2 am in the morning some days before summer break started and I had a very vivid dream about you. I woke up covered in sweat and an utterly flabbergasted brain. No it wasn't a passionate fantasy or anything else your perverted mind could conjure. I was stranded on an island and I all my ears could hear for miles on end were your agonizing screams. That dream clutched at my heart. It was true. I was stranded and we both were reaching out, seeking for help but we delved deeper in our misery.

So when I woke up with a start, I jotted down my feelings for you, hastily scribbling them on the notepad I kept on my bedside table.

This is what I wrote,

"You know how it is when you are passing through a perpetual snowstorm and get caught up in the blizzard, so you take refuge under a canopy of alpines. It was like that. My soul had been his refuge, his stop and when the blizzard passed, I realized he passed as well"

The night we met, you were on the edge of succumbing to the pressure placed on you by your endearing social circle. To me you were the weird guy my friend disliked but to your friends you were the son of the mayor's best friend. You studied in a private school. My friends and I were people who knew exactly how to tough it up in the real world. I was this girl who mingled with her friends and had no other social life. And so our world's collided. Fire met ice. Destruction was bound to happen.

After writing down my unguarded thoughts I surrendered myself to sleep and whilst I was slowly slipping into the realm of darkness, my phone woke me up. It was you. You had texted me in the wee hours of the morning. I was awake in every sense of the word. You had written, "I can't stop thinking about you. Why can't I stop thinking about you?"

To which I replied," I ask myself that question all the time"

Needless to say sleep escaped us both that night and we each housed in ourselves a smorgasbord of emotions.

Yours truly,

A .