Letters to J

August 09, 2017

August 09, 2017

To,

Dear "J",

After a month passed the day I received that text from you which had rendered me speechless and evoked a hope inside me that I met you again. It felt like no matter how much the universe was trying to pry us apart, it couldn't because we found our way back to each other, no matter what.

The day of our high school graduation had arrived. All clad in black gowns. I had been there for only five minutes and my eyes were already searching for you in the sea of black. I remember you once mentioning that one only knows their worth by how much they matter to a single individual. You were putting me and my new found feelings to test.

No I didn't fall for your dorky, nerdy looks or persona. Truth be told, I still don't know what was it that made me fall for someone who wasn't ready to catch me.

I don't even know why I'm writing these letters to you? It's not like you'll ever read them. But I guess,, I'm trying, to hold on to you. You are slipping from my fingers and I don't want to lose you, not like this. Not before, you know how I have felt all the time that I've been with you. You deserve to know. And I deserve to know that you know me, all of me. I don't even know, if you'll ever wake up. For your mothers sake I hope you do.

Anyways, back to graduation day. We were High School seniors who had no idea where we were going with our lives. We were leaving. I was going to NYU in the fall while you'd be going to Harvard Law School. We were both going in different directions. You wanted to be an attorney while I always wanted to become a writer. We were holding onto every minute. We didn't know the nature of our relationship, just that we wanted to be with each other. It was that simple and innocent. Why did it have to turn into something forbidden?

We were so different then how were we together? We were fire and ice with shared interests like destruction. We froze and burned each other till we were sculpted in charcoal from the ashes of our love.

And then I saw you while I was drifting through the crowd. You were laughing with your friends, the skin around your eyes crinkling and your eyes lighting up. And that was the first time I thought that watching you smile was the best thing ever. Imagine, just imagine! Someone falling so hopelessly for you that even your smile is a saving grace to them. That was you "J".

It was a fleeting moment. You waved hello as if that was enough to cool down the burning inferno inside me. It was a brief encounter which left us both hanging off. So we sneaked around each other. It was a dangerous game. But it wasn't long before you got me alone.

In the middle of the ceremony, I went outside to find my way to the girl's rest room and I bumped into you. That was another hint. Till now I  thought that the feelings were one sided.  But now it was pretty obvious; there was a spark between us.

You led me to a corner, hidden from any prying eyes and after brushing off all your hesitation you approached me, till my back hit the wall. I had never been in such a compromising position before. You leaned closer and my breath hitched in my throat. Giving me a reassuring smile, you pulled me in your arms and embraced me. It was unlike any other hugs I've ever gotten. 

I was enveloped in your strong arms, my face buried in the crook of your neck and your hands were splaying on my back. We were in that position for a good fifteen minutes before we could pry apart ourselves from each other. For those few minutes, everything was perfect and I meant something to you. And then your friends came and I once again became a stranger.

So we parted ways, the flames died down but the fire wasn't smothered yet. It would ignite again. Whenever you needed me, whenever you needed to rely on a friend or whenever the night became too lonely for your soul to carry on, I would be there. But I had one question lingering in my mind, if I was always there for you, when you needed me, where were you when I needed you?

Was I there yet still not there or was I yours but not quite yours?

That night I remember, sneaking out of my window and walking in the dead of the night, all the way to your house. I had written something for you. I climbed the tree and stepped foot into the niches of your balcony. You were drifting in the realm of sleep when I left a note for you to read in the morning.

I had never felt so strongly an emotion to actually deliver it through the art of words but of course you were an exception. You were always an exception, never a flaw. The note said, "I'm sorry, I forgot, I only exist when you need me!"

Yours reluctantly,

A.