Letters to J

August 13, 2017

August 13, 2017.

To,

Dearest "J",

When I woke up the next morning, I felt so betrayed. I was alone at the beach, wrapped in your blankets but all your possessions were gone. Mark told me you removed every trace of you from the cabin, early in the morning. I felt disgusted by being lured into my body's primal desires by a guy. A guy I met in my last year of high school. So much for being the pristine innocent girl! I felt like the poster girl of every high school's most popular clique.

Was it wrong of me to assume that you were no good for me? I don't know! Maybe or maybe I was just saving myself from an impending heart break. A truth which would shatter my heart if it were to be revealed. The truth was revealed and yes, it was destructive to say the least. It brought on our demise. But the saddest part was that you weren't the one to tell me the truth.

In fact, you kept it hidden even when I confronted you the next day at Mark's place. You shrugged everything off by saying that I was just overthinking things but the truth was you had already drifted far away from me. That same day I vowed to myself I wouldn't rest till I figured out what was going on.

I distinctly remember telling you about my untainted past and how I was a rose in full bloom. I told you everything because I trusted you and I soon enough realized that was the biggest fault on my part. I found out the truth in the dead of the night when the clouds were pouring out their sadness in bouts of fast streaming tears.

And so as we made our way back from the trip, I contemplated on how to confront you. My friends assured me that everything was fine. They tried their best to make me come out of my melancholy but they didn't understand for it weren't them who bared their soul, confessed their love, had the first most exhilarating kiss of their lives and had their lover leave them without any trace in a matter of 6-7 hours. Rebecca and Mia both agreed on giving him a piece of their mind while Stella and Stacy agreed upon that "boys will be boys" M ark insisted that it was likely that an emergency had sprung up and he "knew" his friend. Aileen assured me that "no one in their right mind could leave someone like you"

But they wouldn't know. For when I was opening my heart to you, you were saying goodbye. My heart knew. Every goodbye spells out differently. This one spelled "Jace" . This goodbye was imprinted on every memory of ours. Looking back on it, I don't know why I was so surprised to find out that you were gone. I mean disappearing and reappearing unexpectedly was your thing wasn't it?

You were like the northern lights which can only be seen from a certain place at a certain time of the year. Rare and unique like their name, Aurora Borealis. You were a rare occurrence.

Did you notice? I started referring to you as "were". That's because previously I was talking about the person I thought you were. Now I know who you are! Or maybe this is also a façade. Who knows? The angels probably! I guess we will find out. At least that's what it seems from your current state of health.

The day we came back I tried to eradicate every memory I had of you in my brain but how could I when every pore of my body had soaked your essence and held you within it. I knew I would move on, eventually. But before I did that I had to have some answers.

No matter how much I claim to know you, the truth is, I don't. When you talked it felt like you opened every window to your soul. However, the reality was, you hadn't even scratched the surface of your exterior.

So after reassuring my parents that I indeed wasn't tired, I set out to seek answers. A day after our arrival back from the trip and after you had given me an unsatisfactory answer regarding your absence, I decided to meet up with Rebecca and Mia to discuss what to do next. At Rebecca's place we formulated a plan. It was time for confrontation. Everything was set, except, I didn't know what I was going to say if I showed up their uninvited. What would your parents think? What chaos would ensue from my untimely visit late at night? I had already lied to my parents that I was staying over at Rebecca's place but what skeletons was I about to dig from your closet.

Laughable, isn't it? Months of spending time with you. Allowing you in my life, my heart and my house even and yet I didn't know if your parents even knew about me. I mean at least my parents knew we were friends but let's face it they couldn't have been so oblivious to not notice my oddly cheerful persona the past few weeks. All I got in reciprocation were secrets.

Secrets that would ruin us. All three of us ventured to Mark's place. He knew our plan was disruptive and disagreed with it. He told us that your parents were extremely affluent people who were strict and would probably not welcome us uninvited. Apparently you had to be high in the social hierarchy to be invited to the mayor's right hand's house. But there was an underlying hesitance in Mark's voice which made it all the more suspicious. They were your parents so how could they be so cruel. Why would they object to you having friends over? There was definitely something going on which I wasn't aware of and I vowed to find it out with or without Mark's help. When he said that today isn't a good day to visit I knew that it was the perfect day to visit you. I mean what was all the lying about. He agreed to go with us but he was hesitant. His hesitancy put everything into perspective

It made me stronger in a way because it confirmed the feeling in my gut, that something was amiss. It always was. I was just too blind to see it. It was like you had a put a cross on each of my eyes, like they used to do on the prisoners taken during war back in the old days.

But I guess there was another cross. One upon your heart or you wouldn't have done what you did. I didn't want to tell you about my arrival over the phone. As it was, I wanted to startle you but of lately I've come to know that it's your thing.

Our walk was long and arduous but my heart raced a mile.

By the time I reached the gates of your white walled mansion, I could already see through the façade. Your parents never approved of us because they had high expectations from you. Oh! Look at all of us, expecting things from you. I always knew they were strict and wanted you to be with the daughter of their business partner. Her name was Elaine and I remember you telling me about all the times you had to take her on dates on family soiree's and official dinners. But you always said that I was your one and only. But who was I to you? I guess I didn't know. I never knew and I suppose that makes me an easier prey, doesn't it?

I don't know when it happened! I don't know when I started depending on people for happiness. I had always lived knowing my happiness didn't have to depend on one person. But I never fell in love before either, so maybe I couldn't know for sure. But you made everything so beautiful. You made me a perfect little beautiful fool. Even Daisy from The Great Gatsby would agree with me.

As we neared the entrance to your place, the loud booming music was the first telltale sign that whatever we had built up in the past few months was about to come crashing down. cackling of people loitering around your front yard was enough to make my heart sink. Not because you had failed to invite me but because I didn't think you were like them. Those people that you hung out with.

My friends had the decency to not speak up at that time. We all made our way in from the tall oak doors feeling extremely out of place in our casual everyday jeans and fly by hair. Intoxicated bodies, closing in on the dance floor were the first thing I saw upon entering. It was like I had walked through a portal and had come to an alternate universe where I had no idea who you were. The walls were closing in on myself, I couldn't breathe. You knew I was claustrophobic. Is that why you didn't invite me to your own farewell party?

The look of horror and shock on my friend's faces mirrored mine. Even Mark looked like he had seen a ghost. You had shown me a side of you that nobody else knew of but you also hid from me a side that was your true self. One everyone was aware of. Your usual self was so simple but when I saw you standing on the first floor near the galley in your mansion, drunk out of your wits and interacting with people that oozed fakeness, I knew you were too far gone. You weren't like that Jace! Or were you?

I was so lost, strangers bustling past me and shoving me. My friends had disappeared among the masses of people and I became panic stricken. I was alone in a sea of predators. When I bumped into the guys you were hanging out a few minutes earlier, I knew it would be a long night. Their eyes were blood shot and their breath reeked of alcohol. I could feel their eyes undressing me, their filthy hands closing on my body. I tried to escape but they shoved something down my throat. It was bitter warm liquid and the last thing I heard before I lost consciousness was, "She's Jace's play thing!"

.............................

A.