Letters to J

August 06, 2017

August 06, 2017

To,

The One and Only,

"J",

I feel like we were on a roller coaster. The start was exhilarating, and an adrenaline rush, the peak was the thrill but as we came down, the happiness died and was replaced by a sense of longing to be on the ride one more time.

I don't know how but time escalated, at such a pace that we were left breathless. So out of breath, that even each other's presence wasn't enough to fill the void in our lungs.

The weird handshake turned to warm hugs which turned to pecks on the forehead to other gestures I failed to take proper notice of at the time. Back then I had no clue how far I had dived, but now as I'm fighting with the torrents life has thrown at me I have realized, that I am in far too deep. In a matter of months, you became, "J", my best friend from a mere someone that my friend knew. 

Apparently our bond was strong and it was apparent.

My brother always said, "If you see a crowd, distance yourself from them as much as you can. Crowds usually mean trouble."

He was right. Crowds are trouble. And we would find this out he hard way.

Remember, I always told you about this special journal of mine. You claimed it belonged in the trash due to its condition but I couldn't bear to part with that piece of trash. Only a handful of people were worthy enough to be mentioned in that journal. Unlike most people I didn't indulge myself in the boring task of recounting my whole day in my journal. I wrote the memories I never wanted to forget, feelings I never wanted my heart to abandon. You were worthy of it, "J". You were worthy to be mentioned.

I remember it clear as day, it was  senior prom and the Board of Directors of our schools had a devious plan. To resolve the conflict of choosing the same theme , they had decided to morph the two proms into one. The theme was "Starry Night".Cliche . I know. 

That day you made it into my journal.

"You ever get that feeling? When you're in a crowd but all you can feel is someone's eyes on you. But when you turn around you are disappointed to see that there is no one there. It felt like that today. When you entered the venue, wearing a charcoal black tuxedo and a white button down with the first few buttons undone, I felt something friends don't feel for each other. It was something admirers did. And when your coveted gaze clashed with mine, I felt like giving a part of myself to someone who doesn't even know he has it.

Over the years I had many crushes but I didn't even have a word to describe you. I could't consider you a friend because you meant more than a friend to me. You're definitely not a crush because you weren't that insignificant. This is where the predicament begins. The moment I don't know who you are to me.

Today, you made me feel things no other guy ever did. I knew it was so wrong. You considered me just a friend but then the way you said goodbye left many doubts in my mind. The moment I was walking towards my car in the spring breeze, I felt your presence. I was shocked that you were walking beside me. You had ignored me the whole evening and I should've been mad at you but I guessed that you did this with everyone so they longed to be near you. I started walking briskly when you stopped me dead in my tracks by taking hold of my wrist and along with that all of my senses.

I had known that there was some attraction between us since we met but this was different. You were looking at me as if I was the only person that existed in that moment. As if everything ceased to exist. You always said a lot without even using your words. It was one of those moments. You were breathless as if you had jogged to keep up with me. Before I could ask you what were you doing, you leaned in close and placed a feather light peck on my cheek. You couldn't meet my eyes after that and so you ran away leaving me standing there for hours, contemplating what had happened. Today you made me feel. You made me feel something I wasn't sure existed. An inkling of something, which had the potential of turning into something beautiful like love."

At that time I didn't even realize it but I was smitten by your very existence. You were no charmer, no handsome hunk but on that day, you were the only guy who caught my attention and held it. Your honest soul made me fall for you. Not your dorky looks. I was no beauty, never had been but on that day you made me feel as if there was no one more beautiful than I or shall I say special than I .

Yours unknowingly,

A.