Still Here

3

The walk to school is cold, but in the most spectacular way. I can see my breath in the air and feel my fingers turn to ice. I'm going numb all over and I absolutely love it. My legs burn every second and I'm hoping that if I keep going, they just might kill me.

Another strangely marvelous thing is the way everything looks. I feel as if I've never seen the world before. There's frost coating the winter flowers and dewdrops on grass and the most adorable mailboxes everywhere I look. I'm wondering why I haven't seen things this way before when it all suddenly ends, and I'm standing in front of my shitty high school.

I watch my classmates and people I don't even recognize pass by me, no idea that my brains will be a splattered mess on concrete within hours.  I want them to see me. I want to scream at everyone who walks by. Look at me! Just look. A glance. Anything.

But they don't look. They continue walking without a care in the world.

So I sigh and make my way to first period, my plans unchanged.

The lovely thing about my first class is that I am seated next to Michael. He's the root of most lovely things, I think. His blonde hair hides his face, so when I smile at him, he doesn't see.

He's sketching in his notebook, oblivious to everything in the world that isn't on his paper. He hasn't even noticed me yet. I can't help wanting to hold his steady hand. Maybe it could steady me. Suddenly, I'm wishing we were more than we currently are again and I have to close my eyes to keep from crying. Guilt runs through my veins, pulsing through my entire body.

I won't have to feel guilt ever again soon. I won't have to feel anything at all.

Soon.

Soon I will be nothing.

Nonexistent or burning in hell.

No in between.

I want to feel nothing - that's why I'm doing what I'm doing.

But maybe I deserve pain.

Maybe I deserve hell.

A shiver runs down my spine and I open my eyes once more.

People rush by, sitting on desks and flirting with each other. Reading books and flipping through their binders.

You're still alive, I tell myself.

I clench my fists and hold my breath.

Maybe this doesn't have to be the end.

I almost believe this. And for a moment, I really do. But then a rush of memories comes surging back and the realization hits me, once and for all.

There is no going back. I'm always going to be haunted by terrible memories and that won't change unless I die. I can't go through this day again. I can't. I just can't. I can't say goodbye to Porter again - can't watch the confusion spread on his face. He'd start getting seriously suspicious of me soon.

And now he's going to grow up without me. He'll grow up fucked up and the pain of knowing that is slowly killing me by itself, anyway. So I have to end this. Today. Now.

There's no going back.