Still Here

29

AJ tells me he loves me one day. He just blurts it out when we're watching Full House reruns and a commercial comes on.

I'm instantly uncomfortable, mainly because I'm too invested in hating myself to love anyone else. And AJ is one of my best friends - I would never want to become involved in something that could ruin that. Also, if I were to 'fall in love' with anyone, I'm pretty sure it would be Michael.

I must have quite the expression because when AJ sees my face, he starts shaking his head quickly. "No! Gross! Not like that, Audrey!"

For a second, I'm very insulted. But then he says, "I'm gay!"

"Oh! Well, I love you, too. In that way," I say.

He smiles at me and I add, "Any reason for the spontaneous display of affection?"

And then he begins to cry.

I break further than I thought I could, watching him lose his composure. The cool, confident boy who dominates Monopoly and watches movies with me on a daily basis. It's a soul crushing moment.

He explains to me that he probably won't live much longer. The cancer he has is destroying him. Nothing is helping.

Now that I really look back, he has seemed weaker and weaker with each visit. My self hate deepens when I realize that I haven't even noticed until now.

I hug him tightly, no longer careful with my heart. He says, "Please, don't tell them. Jasmine or Michael." He pulls away to look me in the eyes. "It's back to that pitying deal, Audrey Summers. I don't want anyone to pity me. I'm trusting you not to, because of our agreement."

I'm pretty sure Jasmine and Michael will get the hint soon, but I tell him that I'll keep this a secret.

And we go back to watching Full House, but nothing feels lighthearted anymore.