Still Here

Epilogue

AJ has been dead for a year now.

Michael, Jasmine, Porter and I stand before his grave, all marveling at what we've left for him. Jasmine wouldn't allow flowers - she said they were typical, and AJ was not. He also didn't care about flowers, or at least not enough for us to know that he did. But there was one clear, simple thing that he loved. Something that we were able to give him.

Monopoly.

It's Michael's set, the original one we played with when he and AJ first met each other. With its missing pieces and everything. We figured that it's an appropriate gift, one that he'd smile at if he saw it. I know I'd give anything to see him smile one last time, and this is as close as I'll get.

I rest my head on Michael's shoulder, truly happy that I get to do such a thing. I owe him a lot, the blonde boy with an art obsession and too-kind heart. He's the reason I didn't get to kill myself that dreadful winter day. The reason I went to therapy. The reason I'm alive, and one of the reasons I'm happy.

I have a lot of reasons to be happy now.

Porter is another one of those reasons. He's such a terrific kid. He looks at pictures with me, whenever I'm missing Cara particularly badly. He cries with me. Hugs me. Trusts me. Doesn't shut me out - well, most of the time. I mean, he is a teenager.

I grin at him before I find myself grinning at Jasmine. She returns the expression. "Audrey, can I talk to you for a second?" she asks.

"Of course." I kiss Michael quickly, his lips fitting perfectly against mine, and let go of his hand to follow Jasmine to a more secluded part of the cemetery. Her smile is still there, and maybe even broader than it was a moment ago.

"What's up?" I ask her.

She clasps her hands together. "Something happened with the static two nights ago."

"A good something?"

"An extraordinarily good something."

"Were you able to turn the television off?" I ask, my voice brimming with excitement.

She shakes her head, her face full of a lovely wonder. "No . . . and that's the great part. I didn't turn it off, but I . . . I stopped being afraid of it. I just listened to it crackle, and it was comforting."

"Comforting?"

"I know it sounds weird, but I had a revelation when I was sitting there. My whole problem was not being in control of that goddamn television, not being able to turn if off. But when I finally calmed down, I realized that I didn't need to be in control. And last night, I didn't have any nightmares at all."

I embrace her. "I'm so happy for you."

She pulls away to look me in the eyes. "Thanks, Audrey. It . . . means a lot."

"Little things do have a tendency of meaning a lot."

"Don't they?" She throws an arm around me and we walk back to AJ's grave. Michael is telling Porter about the time AJ flipped the Monopoly board. I take Michael's warm hand in my cold one.

Jasmine contributes with more AJ stories, and every time I look at her, I think of what she told me about the static. What she said about not having to control the television - it reminds me so much of life. Because we can't control our lives. Even if we think we can, we're just fooling ourselves. We don't know what the hell is going to happen to us tomorrow - or even today. We think we have it all figured out, while in reality, we don't have an inkling of a clue.

But we don't need a clue.

We do not have to be in control to be happy. We don't need all the answers. We just need to be here while we can.

That's all we can do. And that's enough.

I listen to my friends and my little brother, wondering why things cannot always be this way. This together.

It is during moments like this that I usually forget life is not perfect.

It isn't. This is not a movie. There's always going to be plenty of bad. My mother still drinks and my father still works too much. I still have days when I wonder why the people I have loved so strongly have to be gone.

But not every day is painful. Life has plenty of hopeful, beautiful days like today. Days when you get to stand with your friends, thinking back on wonderful memories while creating new ones. Ones where you watch the sunset and hold the hand of the person you're in love with, knowing that neither of you ever has to let go.

There are days like this everyday, and I'm still here to experience them.

And I know there is a reason for that.

THE END