Still Here

18

The day after Michael and AJ meet, Mom calls and tells me that she's having Porter visit me. Jasmine is free today and Michael should be coming again, so I figure everyone can meet.

I leave Jasmine and AJ to watch a movie in his room while I wait for Porter. Shortly before Michael should be here, I see Porter, when Mom leaves him in my room. She still smells like beer, but it isn't as pungent. And she looks tired - no, she looks like she's been trying. It's good to know that she's making an effort to clean herself up. It gives me hope that Porter won't turn into something like the fuckup I've become.

Porter looks tired, too. He's not as out of it as he was when I first woke up from my accident, but he's definitely sleep deprived. I ruffle his hair because it's pretty much custom while I say, "What's up?"

He's all business. "When are you coming home?"

"Soon."

"Thank you for that clear answer," he says, annoyed and sarcastic.

I sigh. "I don't know for sure. But soon. I promise."

He seems satisfied enough with this answer to change the subject. "So what do you do here? During the day and whatever?"

I grin. "I've been hanging out with some people. Michael - " I start, but he interrupts me, his face lighting up.

"I love Michael!" he exclaims. Back in freshman year, Porter met Michael a couple times when we had that shallow connection. Porter was incredibly fond of him, and apparently still is. He doesn't even know that Michael is the one who hit me.

"He'll be here soon. AJ and Jasmine - "

"Who?" he interrupts.

"Be patient, you little crap," I scold him, still grinning. He rolls his eyes, but a smile hints on his lips. "They live in the hospital."

"Why?"

"I was just about to get to that!" I roll my eyes. "AJ has cancer and Jasmine has an eating disorder, so don't be rude to them or anything. Anyway, they're in AJ's room, so we can go now. I told Michael to meet us there. He's going to bring board games for you." I told Michael no Monopoly today - Porter doesn't need to be further scarred.

We walk down the hall carefully, Porter keeping an arm around me. I'm taller than him, so it's a bit of a reach, and I'm not going to fall or anything, but I appreciate that he cares nonetheless.

"What are they like?" he asks.

"AJ and Jasmine? You're about to find out."

"Do you only answer questions when you feel like it?"

"Okay, sassy. I think Jasmine'll get a kick out of you."

We're at the room now, and Michael is inside. They're all sitting on AJ's bed, talking and laughing.

"Hey!" Michael says when he sees us.

I smile as Porter rushes toward him. "That's Porter," I tell AJ and Jasmine. They give him high fives, which elates him.

"What games did you bring?" Porter asks Michael.

"Unfortunately, not Monopoly," Michael says and winks at me. I blush and AJ Aws at me. I nudge him.

I sit next to Jasmine. She's smirking. "Hot friend," she says, tilting her head toward Michael, who's too distracted with Porter to notice. At this point, I must be tomato colored. She laughs at me in her obnoxious, magnificent way and I shake my head.

I grab Michael's bag to pull out today's board game when I find that it's Sorry. I sigh.

"Really Michael?" I say, holding it up to him.

He looks at me innocently. "I really am. Also, it's the only other board game I have."

We play for a long time, but end up watching old Disney movies and asking Porter about school. Thankfully, Sorry isn't nearly as violent as Monopoly. It's a pretty fantastic day, and we even end up going outside. It's the first time I've felt the sun since my accident. Or incident. Whatever it was.

They play tag and I watch, sitting on a bench with sunlight warm on my skin. It's a chilly, winter day, but the sun out so blatantly reminds me of summer.

Cara loved the sun. She was incredibly tan and almost never indoors. Well, until right before she died.

I never like to say it outright. That Cara killed herself. It's so much easier to say that she died. It makes her pain seem less prominent. But it was there, no matter what.

Cara killed herself. My beautiful sister who once loved the sun and playing tag with Porter and hanging out with me.

She would have loved today.

Maybe that's why I didn't die. So I could love it for her.

I find myself smiling despite everything and Michael sits down next to me. "That kid could run for hours," he says, clearly out of breath.

I look at Michael. The sweat running down his face. The subtle sadness and intense caring in his eyes. I have an urge to kiss him. I then note that it isn't a sudden urge: I almost always want to kiss him.

"I'm sure he'd never stop running, if he didn't have to," I say.

He laughs and I can't help but think that it warms me more than the sun ever could. "You're probably right."

We watch Jasmine chase Porter around a tree playfully as AJ rests on his crutches, shouting at them as if he was an angry soccer mom or something. The whole scene makes me want to laugh and cry all at once. It's so pure and good, and Cara doesn't get to see it.

"Are you okay?"

I snap out of my daze and our eyes meet. "Uh, yes."

"You sure? You look a little sad."

"Just sort of nostalgic."

He nods before looking back at them. He pulls out a camera and snaps a photo. "This is a pretty wonderful moment," he says.

"Yeah," I say, still looking at him. "It is."