Still Here

28

I've started taking my mother's car.

She doesn't say anything about it, maybe to try to make up for all those years of being a complete fucking mess.

I leave school whenever I want to go to the hospital. I can't stand it at school, even with Michael. It's just too much bullshit for me to take.

AJ knows something's up with me - I can tell - but he doesn't press. He just obliges to my movie requests and talks to me whenever he can.

He eventually stops using his crutches and switches to a wheelchair. He only used the crutches because he tired easily from walking and his feet hurt too much. When I visit, we don't really walk around anymore. He's either laying in bed or sitting in the wheelchair.

We watch a lot of movies.

I visit Jasmine, too, but not as frequently. She's almost always busy being treated. But when I do see her, I can tell she's getting physically healthier, but emotionally destroyed.

"The nightmares haven't stopped?" I say one day.

"You observant fuck!" she exclaims.

I sigh. "You look good, at least."

She glares at me. "Yes. And I finally know that looks aren't the only thing that matter. God, I was such an idiot. Starving myself because I thought that was the only way I'd be worth something." She laughs in disgust. "Fuck, Audrey. Fuck. I don't even care about my appearance anymore. Everything's just . . . in my head now. It sucks. So fucking much."

"I'm sorry."

"Aren't we all?" she hisses. She closes her eyes and puts her head in her hands before murmuring, "I'm sorry. I'm just . . . How are you, Audrey? You still have your nightmares?"

"Yeah, you observant fuck," I say halfheartedly.

She actually smiles at me. "I'm glad I know you," she says.

I feel tears pooling up in my eyes and look away. "I'm glad I know you, too," I whisper.

I lie and tell her I have to leave. Then I sit in my mother's car and cry for an hour.