forget.

35.

"i..i'm scared."
"...what are you afraid of?"
I looked down at my ripped jeans as tears began to fall. Zack put his fingers under my chin and made me look up at him.
"Ellie..talk to me. i can't possibly help you if you don't tell me what's going on in your mind," he spoke gently, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

i didn't know where to start. how do i explain to the guy i've loved for as long as i can remember, that i want to die. that i can't do this anymore. he'll think i'm insane. or that i need medical attention right away..."i'm scared of living. of getting worse. right now, i don't even plan on making it to 18. i'm so afraid that others will find out, that my family or friends will find out. my parents call people like me weak and childish, attention seekers. i'm so terrified of waking up every morning. i'm afraid of going to bed every night, every night when i'm stuck alone with my thoughts. i'm so scared that the day i do cut, i won't stop. and if by some way i manage to live until i'm an adult and i have a family, it haunts me to think that my children would see my scars. and the worst part is, is that they would think it's ok to do that to themselves. i'm afraid of gaining weight. i'm afraid of breaking down in class, and not being able to control it. i'm afraid that i've gone crazy. i'm afraid of my thoughts. i'm afraid of how easily i could carry myself to walk onto on coming traffic and just ending it all. i'm scared of how weak i am. i'm afraid of myself..."