forget.

44.

it's been 20 minutes since Finn has been here and we're already arguing about Cole.

"I don't want to talk about him anymore. just drop it yeah?"
"why do you love him? why is he so different?.."

i slowly looked up at him. "Finn..."
"no. don't 'Finn' me. just tell me if i have a chance, and if you won't tell me that then tell me why you fucking love him instead."

i didn't have to look at his eyes to see the anger and hurt. i couldn't bring myself to do it anyways. "i don't know what you want me to say. i don't know how to answer that."

"bullshit. i know you Icky Vicky.." he said with a sad chuckle at the end.

"i love him because he's him. i love everything about him. i love his soft hair that always smells like coconut, his bright blue eyes that i find myself getting lost in, his bright smile. i love how he hugs me like it's the last time i'll ever see him again. i love how he winks at me when he wants to see me blush. i love how he wrinkles his nose when he thinks something is gross. i love how his eyes light up when he talks about what he loves, when he talks about me. i love him because when i talk about my new obsession, he doesn't look at me like a crazed maniac. i love him because he doesn't mind my absolute love for orcas or harry potter. he doesn't get upset when i say i hate him, and he doesn't say it back, he just gives me time to cool down. he knows exactly what i need when i need it, before i've even had a chance to tell him. he goes on crazy target runs with me at 2am. he gets panda express with me, even though he hates Chinese food. we waste time together talking about conspiracies and crazy, far-fetched theories about how we're all a simulation.." i say with a smile, remember our 4am talks, "i no longer fake anything. i know what a true smile feels like. i know what a true laugh feels like. i've gotten a true friend and boyfriend out of this and i couldn't be happier. i've found a forever type of feeling and i hope you can be happy for me too Finn.."

i looked in his eyes, waiting for a response. he looked so deep in thought it was a bit terrifying.  then, as if he just had the best idea, he looked up at me, a slight smile on his face.

"i am happy for you Victoria. i'll always be happy for you and that's because i love you. i love you so damn much, but i seem to be a little late. i really do hope he makes you feel all of what you told me, cause you deserve that and so much more. i've been in love with you since i was 12 years old when you asked me to be best friends. and here we are, 6 years later and i'm still in love" he paused, "and because i love you and want the best for you, i'm going to let you go. i'm doing this for me too. i don't want my heart in even more pieces...so this is my goodbye. i'm sorry this couldn't have gone a different way..."

he suddenly grabbed me and gave me the tightest hug. he held onto me like...like he would never see me again. i latched onto him and begged, "finn, please don't go."

he simply pulled away, smiled and left through my front door. when i finally came back to my senses, i rushed down the stairs toward the door, before i could reach it i saw all my favorite things, flowers, vinyls and panda express, at the bottom of my stairs.

i slowly headed down the rest of the staircase, then i heard finn's car speed away and i let all my tears finally fall. i sat on the last step and cried until i couldn't anymore. i trudged up to my room and forced myself to sleep, ignoring the fact that it was 2pm.