Paper Moon

chapter 34

Song: Who Are You Now-
Sleeping With Sirens (Edited)

I tossed and turned. I couldn't sleep. It also felt like it was 2000 degrees in my bunk. I shoved my blanket between my legs and pulled my pillow over my head trying to get comfortable. I failed. I groaned and pushed everything off me. Why is it so hot? I got out of my bunk and grabbed my phone and headphones.

"Soph, come with me" I whispered, holding the curtain open. She sleepily got out of the bunk and followed me to the couch. It was fresh in the backroom. I laid on the couch with Soph at my feet. I watched as the trees passed by while listening to Bring Me The Horizon. Oli had popped into my mind a few days ago so I decied to listen to BMTH. I found that I loved their music. My favorite song currently is Hospital For Souls.

While I layed there, I slowly began to fall asleep, the sound of Caraphernelia by PTV filling my ears.

I was in my old house, from before my mom died. I was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, watching my younger self  help my mom with the dishes.

"Haley, Sweety, do you wanna help mom do the dishes before dad gets home?" My mom asked sweetly. I smiled up at her, "sure mom." I was only five at the time. "Okay, I'll wash them and you can put them in the drying rack." She send me a smile and ruffled my hair. "Let me get you a chair." Being five I could only reach the bottom cabinets.

I watched as tears filled my eyes. I walked over to the two of them. "Mom? Can you hear me?" I hoped that she could. I miss her. "Good job Haley! That's all the dishes, want to help me water the garden?" Tears fell down my face, she couldn't hear me.

I followed as they walked outside, hand in hand. Instead of the front yard, we were at a park. My mom's phone started to ring. "Haley sweety, go play with the other kids. Mommy has to take this phone call." By now I was about six.

I watched myself go and play in the sand box. My mom was talking on the phone with my biological father. I took this time to take in her features. The ones I haven't seen since I was seven.

She had light brown hair that went down to her waist, with golden highlights. She had a mix of light blue, and grey in her eyes. She had light skin, just like me.

I tooned into her conversation with my  father. She had laughed at what he just said. Her laugh was amazing. Something I've grown to miss over the years. I watched as her expression slowly changed from bubbly to worried. This was when everything started to go downhill.

"Haley! Baby girl we need to head home now!" My mom called to me. I got up from the sand box and made my way over to my mom. She had put on a smile for me, even though she had gotten bad news. "Let's go home."

The scenery changed to that night. That night was the first time they had fought.

My father came home, drunk. "Leonard, why are you drunk?" My mom was playing Barbies with me. "Because I can do whatever the hell I want!" He yelled as he stumbled around the room. My mom covered my ears. "Leonard please, not in front of Haley." My mom picked me up and carried me to my room.

That night I had trouble sleeping. I could hear them yelling at each other. I could hear him hit her. He ended up leaving, to where? I dont know and I couldn't care less.

My mom was sitting at the kitchen table, tears falling down her face. I walked over to her. "Mom? Please tell me you can hear me." I was silently begging  that she could hear me. I needed her to hear me.

"Mom why did you stay with him? We could have left, and you would still be alive. Why didn't you leave?" By now we were both crying. "Haley, don't cry. It'll be okay." My mom stood up and wrapped her arms around me. "You can see me?" I cried more as I wrapped my arms around her. "I miss you so much, why did you leave me? I need you." She ran her fingers through my hair.

"Baby you'll be okay. You've grown, you don't need me anymore. I know it's hard, I know. But you're strong enough to go on without me." She rubbed my back as I continued to cry. "Please come back to me, I need you." She smiled down at me, then cupped my face in her hands. "Haley, I love you, but I have to go now." She kissed my head.

"No! Please don't leave me!" I tried to hold her tighter, but she disappeared. "Come back! I need you!" I fell to my knees as my body shook with sobs."Why did you leave me again?" I quietly asked.

I shot up from the couch. I took in a shaky breath. I miss my mom. Tears spilled from my eyes. I quickly wiped them from my face. I'll be fine, she's gone and I'm never getting her back. I need to get over it. Stop crying, she died seven years ago. Get over it, stop being a baby.

I sniffled, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I got off the couch and walked to the kitchen. Rian was drinking something and doing something on his phone. "Hey Halo, how come you slept on the couch?" Rian started the conversation. I shrugged, opening the fridge I answered, "it was hot in my bunk." I felt a lump in my throat as tears filled my eyes. I blinked back the years and grabbed a gatorade. Taking a drink, the lump slowly disappeared.  Don't cry.

"Oh, it was kind of hot huh?" I nodded. I took a seat across from Rian at the mini table. I looked out the window and watched as trees passed by.

"You're strong enough to go on without me" her words echoed through my mind. But what if I'm not? What if I still need you? I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts. I'll be fine, everything's fine, I'm okay.