Paper Moon

chapter 51

I let put a frustrated sigh. Letting my hair fall to my face I walked downstairs in hopes of finding my dad. "Just email it to me and I'll make the video for-" "Dad?" I asked cussing him to stop mid sentence. "I gotta go, I'll talk to you later, kay, bye." He hung up and turned his attention to me.

Laughing he ruffled my hair. "What happened to you?" I huffed. "My bun isn't working! Can you help me?" I held out my hair tie. He laughed and took it from me.

"Yeah, here." I put my hair in front and let him tie my hair up. After he finished I hugged him. "Thanks Dad, I'll never understand why you're so God at doing hair but I'm glad you are!" He hugged me back and laughed. "You're welcome Halo."

As I was heading upstairs I bumped into Phil. He looked at me then helped me up. "Oops, I'm sorry Halo. Are you okay?" I nodded. "Yup." He smiled and started to walk away when I stopped him.

"Phil are you busy right now?" I asked, an amazing idea in my mind. He turned to face me. "Uh, I don't think so, why?" I smiled sweetly at him, "You love me right?"

And that's how I got in this situation. "Phil stop moving, you're gonna mess me up." I straightened Phil's head before continuing with a waterfall braid. "Ugh! Why did I agree to this?" Phil asked himself. I laughed a bit, "cuase you love me."

I finished his braid and smiled at my work. "It looks good, look in the mirror." Phil walked into the bathroom and walked out smiling. "Like great halo."I smiled back, "great, just leave it in for a bit. Thanks for letting me play with your hair!" I gave Phil a hug before wandering off.
I want to watch TV.

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I continued to stare at the ceiling as I listened to music. Have you ever wanted to just stop? Not be dead, just not exist for a little bit. Literally everything has been stressful for me and I just need a break.

That why I'm laying on the floor of the bus as we travel to a new city. I had headphones on and Of Mice & Men was basting through them. I just didn't want to think for a little bit.

As I listened to My Understandings I could feel myself grow sad. You know when you listen to music, and I mean really listen to music, how you can feel your heart break with every word? That's exactly what was happening.

My heart felt heavy. I'm a way though, it was a bit nice. These past few days, since that asshole escaped, I've only really felt two things: emptiness and sadness. I'll take sadness over emptiness any day.

I sighed as the next song came on, Let Live. I was just listening to Of Mice & Men becuase that was the kind of mood I was in. Austin, Aaron, and Shayley, they were who I wanted to here sing.

I sighed, I can't go on like this. It's not healthy. I need help. I want to feel happy, but in a way,  I don't. I feel as if I don't deserve to be happy. I also feel like everyone hates me. I'm not sure if it's my anxiety and I'm over thinking everything, or if people genuinely hate me.

I want to feel something. I want to speak up and get help. Hell I want to freaking scream how I feel from the roof tops! But I won't. I can't. All I can manage to get out is a simple lie and a smile. I don't know, I just don't want to bother anyone with my problems.

That's not fair.

Every little thing makes me want to cry, but I'm not going to. I just want everything to stop for a little bit. I know it'll get better eventually, but there's a piece of me that feels like it won't. There's a piece of me that doesn't want it to.

I've been feeling like this for a little while and it's starting to feel almost natural in a way. I'm a bit scared to feel anything else. I know I can, and I know it's better, but what if it never feels the same again? Like, what if I don't feel happy the way I used to feel happy?

So much for not thinking a lot. I clenched and unclenched my fist. I started to grow frustrated with myself. This isn't good- it's not what I want- it's just so- I can't deal with all of this! I just need to- Oh My God I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! God-dammit!

The more frustrated I grew the more I want to cry and scream. But I couldn't. I bit my lip in an attempt to calm myself.

A strong urge to hurt myself started to build up. I bit my lip harder but soon stopped because I started to bleed a bit. Who the fuck does that to themself? My breathing got more rapid.

I ripped out my earphones and chucked my phone at the couch. I stood up and started to feel dizzy. I could feel myself grow anxious. Frustration as well as a strong hatred for myself grew with the anxiety. Tears welled up in my eyes.

I need to get out.

I wanted to hear something but I wanted to hear nothing. Everything became too much. I couldn't function. I needed something, anything! But I wanted nothing, and everything. It was all confusing.

I started to pace. I hated myself for everything and it frustrated me more than anything! I wanted to hurt myself but I didn't want to. I wanted to feel nothing but I was feeling everything.

I stopped pacing and it was getting harder to breath. I did everything to stop myself from crying. I don't want to Fucking live anymore! I just want everything to stop. I barley noticed when Soph walked in. Her leaving didn't effect me either.

A few tears escaped and I quickly wiped them away. I started to pace again but quickly stopped myself. I just- I cant-

I can't breath.

The last thing I saw before I passed out was Alex walking in and yelling my name.

Alex's pov

I was sitting on the couch with Jack and Rian downstairs. "I bet you twenty bucks I can chug a bottle of Dr Pepper in less than five minutes" Jack said holding up five fingers. I laughed, "yeah and I bet you'll end up choking and failing." Jack pouted. He started to defend himself but was failing.

I could feel a small tug on my jeans. Looking down I saw Soph. "Are you hungry Soph?" I asked. She started to walk out. When I realized she was waiting for me I got up and followed her.

She lead me to the back room. The first thing I saw when I walked in was Halo passing out. "HALO!" I ran over to her and pulled her into my arms. "Wake up!" I shook her a but before taking her pulse. She still had one.

I grabbed my phone and called 911.