Billy Carter

Chapter 7: Basket Case

I knuckled down at school on Thursday, bringing extra books to my music classes so that once I got my work done I could squeeze in some homework or assignments or even study from other classes. Harry was really helping me out too. He spent a great deal of our music lessons with me to help me out with homework or assignments when I was having difficulty. By lunch time my brain was fried, my eyes hurt from staring at computer screens and textbooks, and my wrist, hand and fingers were cramped from writing so much.
I got my lunch from Tony at our lockers, and we met up with everyone else at our usual spot.
"Hey Billy!" Annabelle grinned and gave me a kiss on the mouth before I could process what was happening. Ollie raised his eyebrows at me and I shot him an apologetic glance. "So, I thought maybe on the weekend sometime we could get lunch and see a movie or something for our second date? I'll pay this time, since you paid for our first one," she told me, smiling sweetly.
"Second date?" I asked.
She nodded, then frowned. "Don't look at me like I'm mental, you said last night we should see a movie or something for our next date."
"No, yes, of course, I remember now. Sorry, my brain's ready to explode. Yes, I did say that, at our date last night, before I went to Ollie's to study," I said that last bit for Ollie's benefit, so he wouldn't think I'd made any plans with Annabelle after me and him had revealed our feelings for each other.
"Aw, you two are so cute together!" Natalie smiled at me and Annabelle, and Victoria rolled her eyes. Victoria was still sore and jealous about me and Annabelle. She'd get over it - there's nothing I could do, anyroad. Annabelle told me she'd already apologised, but Victoria wasn't really in a forgiving mood.
"Thanks Nat." Annabelle laughed and held my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. I couldn't pull away from her though, or make a scene and embarrass Annabelle - that was the last thing I wanted. So for the rest of lunch, whenever Annabelle would kiss me, I'd kiss her back. Whenever she hugged me, I'd hug her back, and whenever she'd squeeze my hand, I'd squeeze hers back. I started to feel really guilty though, because I was enjoying it way too much. It was so easy and natural to be with Annabelle, to talk to her and be affectionate in front of everyone. As much as I wanted that with Ollie, it wouldn't be that easy, plain and simple. I'll admit it, I was scared- petrified, even. Mainly I hated how keeping up appearances with Annabelle must be making Ollie - and Victoria, I guess - feel. I felt like shit over Ollie and Guy, and they were only talking to each other! It would be so easy to pull Ollie aside and tell him I wanted to be with Annabelle, then carry on with her like nothing had ever happened. At the same time, I couldn't think of anything harder to do.
Why did this have to be so complicated? I'm only fifteen for fuck's sake, I shouldn't be worrying about so much bollocks.
Maybe the best thing to do was stay single - that way everyone misses out. But I at least needed a decent reason to turn down Annabelle, if that's what I was going to do. Otherwise there'd be so many questions - I've pined over her for years, I've always told my friends how I'd love to date her.
Thinking and worrying about it all - on top of all the school work I'd been plowing through all day - started to make me feel dizzy and give me a headache. To top it all off, my phone buzzed with a text message from Dad:
"If you want to eat tonight you better buy something for yourself - cupboards and fridge are empty and I don't have time to get groceries because I've got two interviews this afternoon/night. Wish me luck! Missing one dinner won't kill ya. But I wouldn't bank on breakfast tomorrow either. Also, power might go out, we're a little behind on our bills."
I'd known we didn't have much in the way of food (Dad had left me the last slice of bread for breakfast this morning). But I didn't have any money on me for dinner, and my bank account was emptied to cover the water bill and some of my school fees. Then another text message popped up.
"Oh, and we need to talk about your job at the grocery store - or lack thereof. I'm very disappointed in you."
It wasn't an obvious threat, or even a subtle, read-between-the-lines kind of threat. It was an unspoken promise that I was going to be put through the Nine Circles of Hell when I got home.
"Who's Arse-Hat?" Annabelle asked, frowning over my shoulder at my phone. I quickly turned it off and shoved it in my pocket.
"N-no one," I said, standing suddenly and stumbling in an effort to move quickly away. If I'd felt bad before, I was feeling utterly dreadful now. In the wide, open expanse of manicured lawn that was the school yard, I felt claustrophobic. It was like the world was shrinking in around me, suffocating me and drowning me. My friend's voices were suddenly far too loud, like they were all shouting. I stepped away from everybody, clawing at my necktie and collar to try and cool myself down - I felt so hot, it was like I was on fire. My sudden movements only made my dizziness worse, to the point that the world spun around me and I felt like I was going to pass out. And I couldn't breathe! It was like the air was being sucked out of my lungs, like I was winded or something. No matter how deeply I tried to breathe, it was barely enough. I was panicked, and all I wanted was to curl up into a miserable little ball and hide from literally everything. I'd do anything for that horrid feeling of dread and hopelessness to end. Anything.
I was vaguely aware of my friends calling my name and asking if I was alright, but it was like I was in a dream. I ignored them and escaped to the blessedly empty boys' toilets.
I leaned against the cool brick wall on the inside of the facility. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to steady my breathing and resist the urge to vomit. I opened my eyes again when I heard footsteps coming, hoping I could play it cool in front of a complete stranger.
Unfortunately, Ollie rounded the corner, looking very concerned. He was probably the last person I wanted to see.
"Billy! What's wrong? You looked really ill-"
"Fuck off Ollie!" I snapped angrily, still breathing heavily. "Leave me alone! I just want some peace and quiet!"
"Billy, just calm down, you're hyperventilating-"
"I said fuck off!" I shouted, then started coughing. He stepped forward, reaching out to me, and I slapped his hand away. When he tried to reach out to me again I outright shoved him back, hard. So hard he hit the opposite wall and nearly fell over. "Leave me alone!" I repeated, pushing my feelings of guilt aside. I felt like a frightened, cornered animal. Ollie shot me a really worried look as he finally left, rubbing the back of his head. When he was gone I bent forward, my hands on my knees and my head hanging low as I continued to breathe ruggedly. I didn't know what to do to make this awful feeling stop, I honestly didn't know where to start. I dug my lighter and a cigarette out of my pocket. Smoking usually helps calm my nerves, so I figured it was worth a shot. I held the cigarette with my mouth and struggled to light it with shaking hands when I heard more footsteps, this time lighter and in shorter strides.
"I told you to fuck off!" I barked when I heard the footsteps stop at the doorway. I started to glare when the footsteps came closer, then I saw Cynthia approaching me.
"Billy?" she said quietly. "Smoking a fag isn't going to help you regulate your breathing, dumbass." She walked up to me and took the unlit cigarette out of my mouth, dropping it onto the ground. I pocketed my lighter and she held my face in her hands. "Jesus, you're really hot," she told me. It was a testimony to how horrible I really felt that I didn't come up with some smart-ass reply. Cynthia went into one of the cubicles and collected a wad of toilet paper, then she went to the sink and ran it under cold water. She squeezed all the excess water out and walked back over to me while I watched her quizzically, and pressed the cool, damp paper against my forehead. There aren't words to describe how good that felt.
"Jesus, Billy you're white as a ghost," she said, looking concerned. "Focus on your breathing, alright? In through your nose for four seconds... then out through your mouth for four seconds..." she told me, demonstrating. I tried to do as she said, but it didn't work the first few times. Eventually it did, and then gradually my breathing returned to normal and I stopped feeling so faint. Cynthia gave my hand a gentle squeeze, still holding the damp paper to my forehead. "What happened?" she asked softly. "You were completely fine one second, then you were tripping over yourself trying to get away like your life was in danger."
"I-I don't k-know," I told her. "It just... it's all t-too much. T-too much at o-once. I'm not f-fucking Superman!"
"Aw, Billy," she guided my head onto her shoulder and gave me a much-needed hug - not that I'd admit to it. "What's going on? What's too much?"
"M-money. Our f-financial situation's fucked - more than usual." I pulled away from her and slid down the wall until I was sitting on my bum, collecting my cigarette and pocketing it while I was down there. "Mum's w-working eighty-eight hour weeks while Dad looks for another job and I feel so guilty b-because she's trying to buy me a birthday present and I should be looking for another job to replace the one I lost at the grocery store- which Dad's found out about, by the way. Christ Cynthia, he's going to be so mad," I told her, already terrified of whatever he was going to do to me when I got home. "My grades were shit last year and I'm trying so hard to do better but I'm really struggling, Cynthia. I've been at it literally three days and I'm already burnt out. I can't even read at the moment, it's like I've used all my brain power up for today! I can't do this band thing, Cynthia. It's a waste of time, I should be studying or working instead of fucking around with you guys. What's the point, anyroad? It's not like we're going to make it into a decent career or anything! Do you know how rare that is? I shouldn't be wasting time on some stupid dream! I need to grow up and act like a fucking adult, take some responsibility for a change! By simply existing I cost Mum and Dad thousands of pounds a year, pounds they could be using to pay off debt or bills or buy fucking food! I had water and a slice of plain toast for breakfast, Cyn! Looks like I'll be having water for dinner, too, because I've wasted money and food on a stupid date and I get Dad to waste it on alcohol and cigarettes for me too," I told her. "Jesus, I cause them both so much stress and grief! Mum's just forked out a couple hundred quid so I can have glasses. I don't need them that badly, I mean I've gotten this far without them! And fucking Hell, this ridiculous mess with Annabelle and Ollie... Fuck. Me. It'd be so much easier to be with Annabelle, it really would. I mean I like the girl, we actually get along brilliantly and she's hot as fuck. I could be perfectly happy with her! But... I want Ollie. But I want to be able to date him without all the stupid prejudice and homophobia!"
"I know Billy, you've got a really tough predicament with those two, but you can't have your cake and eat it," she told me, squatting down to my eye level.
"That's a stupid phrase, the only reason to have cake is to eat it," I grumbled. "And polygamy is becoming more popular y'know."
"Perhaps, but I know that even if Annabel would be open to it there's no way in Hell that Ollie would be," Cyn told me with a small smile. "You've got way too much on your plate, Billy."
"Wow, that's rude. I just told you I don't have anything to eat for dinner tonight, and you start cracking on about me having a full plate?" She smiled softly, knowing I was just teasing her.
"It's not fair," she said. "and I really wish I could shoulder some of it for you. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner? That's something you won't have to worry about."
"We both know your parents hate me," I told her.
"Well maybe Tony-"
"No, the Jameson's do way too much for me already."
"Billy-"
"I said no."
"Billy, you need to eat."
I put my head in my hands and sighed. "I need to get another job. That's what I need. Missing one dinner isn't going to kill me, I've gone days without food before and I'm still here."
"Days as in one day multiple times or days as in a couple of days in a row?" she asked me, frowning with concern.
"Mum's had worse," I told her, kind of dodging the question. She wouldn't have liked my answer anyroad. I got up and tossed the wad of wet toilet paper stuck to my head into a toilet. "Thanks for... dealing with me. I owe Ollie an apology, I was pretty rough with him."
"Billy-"
"I'm fine," I told her. She looked at me sadly, and I couldn't take it. I turned around and left, Cynthia hot on my heels. She managed to slip out of the boy's toilets without anyone noticing and went back to the group. I nearly walked straight into Ollie, leaning back against the wall.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked, sounding a little sore.
"I'm sorry I spoke to you like that and shoved you," I told him, ignoring his question. "I just needed some space and I was a little embarrassed."
"It's ok, I forgive you. I overheard everything, you know."
"You... what?"
"You don't have to choose between Annabel and I if you don't want to. You could decide to stay single. You should, really - then you wouldn't have to worry about a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Annabel might find someone else to date, and I'd wait for you, if that's what you wanted. But you don't owe either of us anything, so don't stress about hurting anyone. The last thing I want is to do is make you feel pressured into dating me. I mean, if you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. I'm sure Annabel feels the same." He gave me a warm, comforting smile, and all I wanted to do was sink to the ground in relief.
"Thanks Ollie," I told him. "That really actually helps. I want to kiss you, but it's kind of public here."
He laughed. "Save it for our next tutoring session."
"Alright, but you know we have to start doing some actual work during our next one, alright? I mean snogging is great fun, but I do sort of need to try and fix my grades."
"Noted. Maybe I could make a lesson plan, and include some breaks for snogging."
"Maybe just leave it until the end, 'cause once I get going it's kinda hard to stop."
"Yeah, I noticed."
"Hey what're you doing tonight?"
"I have work tonight, but I'll be home by six o'clock."
"I'll see you then, for a little impromptu studying." I winked at him, grinning wolfishly, and he grinned back.
"Don't forget to bring some books, or my parents'll get suspicious."
"I won't. Actually do you think you could help me out with that King Lear essay while I'm at your place? I just don't get the topic question we're supposed to cover."
"'What would you say is the main theme of King Lear and why?'" Ollie asked.
"Yeah."
"Insanity. Just say that insanity is the main theme and defend it."
"Oh. Yeah, I could do that. That Lear guy's bonkers. That Fool character, too."
"Actually, I think the Fool's very wise and tuned in to everything that's happening throughout the play."
"Wait, it's a play?"
"... Yeah."