Billy Carter

Chapter 35: Let Yourself Go

I was having fun with Ollie in my bedroom (not the sexy kind - he'd asked me to teach him guitar), then of course Eddie had to come in and ruin it.
"Dinner's on the table," Eddie told us. "And what did I say about leaving this door open?"
"For fuck's sake!" I exclaimed irritably. "If we leave the goddamn door open you yell at me for being noisy, but if we close it to try and be quieter you yell at me for that, too!" I argued.
"Don't you talk to me like that, young man! I've had enough of your insulting behaviour - the constant swearing, yelling, and blatant disrespect! I made a simple request and you go out of your way to ignore it! You're in my house, under my roof, and I expect you to act grateful!"
"Oh of course, where are my manners? Thank you, Eddie, for finally giving a rat's arse about me!" I snapped sarcastically.
"That's it! You're grounded!"
"Oh how terrifying." I rolled my eyes at him. "You can't ground me, I don't have to listen to or do anything you say! You aren't my father, no matter what our DNA says!"
"I am your father, whether either of us likes it or not!" Eddie said. "I don't expect you to start writing me Father's Day cards, but I do expect some civility and basic respect from you! I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around you, like I can't do anything right by you - all I'm trying to do is get to know you and give you the time you deserve from me!"
"Oh, you can't do anything right? That's fucking hilarious, that's fucking laugh-out-loud hysterical! I'm the one who's the constant disappointment, I'm the one with the bad grades, the too-long hair, the unfit one, the one that drinks too much, the one with the criminal record, the trauma, the attitude problem, the weird friends, anxiety, dyslexia, the mental instability! I'm the one who doesn't live up to your standards of the perfect spawn, not like Johnny does! You wanted me to be the six-foot-four, muscular, intelligent, handsome, destined for greatness- basically you wanted me to be Ollie, someone you could show off to the world as another marvel of your genes! Unfortunately, all you got was me. Just me. And I can't do anything right, not even something as simple as leaving the door open or closed or however the fuck you wanted it!"
"That's enough, William!" Eddie yelled. His booming voice rattled the room and sent shivers like waves of terror down my spine. I tried to stay angry and shake the fear, but the fear won, and by instinct I quickly started cringing away from Eddie, stepping back and bracing for impact, while the room shrunk in on the two of us and he kept shouting at me, getting louder and louder until I couldn't even hear my own galloping heart over him.
"Enough!" Johnny roared. I flinched hard and stumbled back until Ollie caught my arm. I yelped when he grabbed me, but it didn't stop him pulling me closer and putting his arm around me. I was grateful, I held onto him for dear life while I tried to ground myself. I felt disoriented and detached, like I was floating in and out of a dream. Ollie was my trusty anchor. "Look at him, can't you see you've upset him?" Johnny told Eddie. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out, but I had tears running down my cheeks.
"I didn't mean to," Eddie told Johnny. "He seemed fine, he was giving me what for and I had enough of it - he wasn't listening to me so I yelled," he explained. "Billy? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... to set you off. Come sit on the bed, let's talk civilly."
"Just give him a few minutes, he's not all here," Ollie told Eddie.
"What do you mean?" Eddie asked.
"He gets kind of... distant. Like he's sleep-walking or something. He's here, but he's not. He just needs time to get both feet on the ground, and his head out of the clouds. Focus on the present and all that."
"It's probably best that we leave them to it, dad," Johnny told Eddie. "Ollie knows what's up, let's just give Bill some space. Come on, we'll set the table. Nelly'll be home soon."
"Shit, I'm going to be in so much trouble when she comes home," Eddie mumbled to himself as the two of them left. Eddie closed the door behind them and Ollie led me to the bed.
"Hey, lie down. How do you feel? Dizzy, like last time?"
"I feel sick."
"You gonna puke?"
"I don't know." My stomach was back-flipping and somersaulting, shaking up the butterflies that had taken up residence.
"Lie down then. On your side." I slowly did as Ollie told me and he lay down beside me. "Can I cuddle you, or no touchy?"
"Cuddles please." Ollie wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
"What did you think of my sandwhich-making skills the other day? Should I put that on my Trophy-Husband resume?" Ollie asked quietly.
"Right after 'expert snuggler' and 'chronic anxiety eraser'," I told him. He held me tighter and I rest my head on his shoulder.
"And how do you think I'm going with the guitar? Should I add that to my resume too?"
"... Maybe after a little more practice." Ollie laughed and I grinned.
"Ok, fair call - I'm pretty horrible."
"You just need some practice, that's all. It took me years to get as good as I am now, but with brains like yours it won't take long for you to start working it out. Just don't get too good, ok? Music's my thing."
"I won't, I promise. Are you feeling any better?"
"Yeah. Embarrassed, though."
"Don't be embarrassed."
"Easier said than done."
"Look, everyone understands that it's all a part of your anxiety and the trauma you went through - neither of which you can really control. But you know that Eddie didn't mean to set you off like that, right?"
"Of course he didn't, Eddie's too dumb to even think of it."
"I think he has a point, you know," Ollie told me in his disapproving voice.
"Huh? With what?"
"The way you treat him. You're not giving him any chances to redeem himself or prove he's sorry or to start a relationship. He's been nothing but patient with you, and you've been treating him like shit."
"So? He deserves it, after everything he did to me and Mum-"
"And yet you'd still forgive Steve if you had the chance," Ollie interrupted me. "I'm not saying it's wrong or right for you forgive Steve, I'm not trying to compare them, but think about it from Eddie's point of view for a minute. Yes he did a shitty thing and he knows he did a shitty thing, but for you to be so stubborn about it and at the same time so willing to patch things up with your abusive step-father - how do you think that makes him feel? That you'd make Eddie keep walking on hot coals and eggshells but forgive the man that did all those horrible things to you and put you through Hell for years. Does that really seem fair? Don't you think he deserves a second chance? He's a wanker, but he means well, and he really seems to want a relationship with you. Nelly's forgiven him. And regardless of whether or not you chose to give him a shot, while you're living here in his house you might consider being respectful, polite and nice to the poor sod. What do you think?"
"I don't want to start a relationship with him because what if he leaves again?" I asked Ollie, catching him off guard. "I can't lose a father for the third time, Oliver. That'd just cement the idea that I'm an unlovable, unwanted, pitiful little child. Mum never wanted me, she got stuck with me - and yeah, she loves me now, but my very existence ruined her life. Eddie ran away the second he got the news. Dad couldn't love me, he never wanted me - I was just an accessory to Mum, a clause in the marriage contract. Now Eddie's back, but I know I'm not the son he imagined I'd be. I'm nothing, but like Mum, he's stuck with me now, now that it's all over the papers. He had to claim me. I'm just a, a... a microwave instruction manual. You don't want it, you don't need it, but you have to keep it around in case something blows up."
"You aren't an instruction manual, Billy."
"You're right - at least those are good for something."
"Billy, you're a microwave. Useful, loud, and no kitchen is complete without one. Alright? Stop beating yourself up all the time - I'm not sure who's worse, you or Steven. You can think you're as useless and pathetic and worthless as you want, but I know so much better. And I'm always right, aren't I?"
"I guess."
"I am, I know everything." He pressed another kiss to the top of my head. "You might think you're unwanted and worthless, but I know that's exactly what you aren't. All of your friends, your Mum, and obviously myself love you so much, and we admire you and value you and nothing would be complete without you, there'd just be a big, gaping, Billy-shaped hole. Johnny can see it too, and before long, if you let them in, Eddie, Michelle and Holly will all feel the same way. Eddie couldn't leave you again even if he wanted to. And once you finish this album-"
"Demo."
"-and put it out into the world, soon enough millions of people from all around the globe will love you too. You're truly an amazing person, Billy, and you're the only one who can't see it. If you stopped criticizing everything you do or say for five seconds you might start to realise how much you mean to the people around you."
"I probably sound like a broken record, huh?" I asked meekly, a little embarrassed by all of his praise.
"I love you, and I can't stand to hear you being so hard on yourself. You're your own worst enemy, William Carter. Now, are you hungry? Because I am."
"I am a bit hungry, actually," I told Ollie.
"Then let's go downstairs and-"
"YOU YELLED AT HIM?!" We both jumped a bit when we heard Mum shouting from downstairs. Ollie and I stared at each other for a second.
"... And rescue Eddie from the angry Mama Bear?" I asked Ollie, finishing his sentence for him. He nodded and we got up and went quickly downstairs.
"I can't believe you'd yell at a traumatised child like that!" Mum shouted at Eddie. They were standing in the foyer, and Eddie was slowly backing away with his hands raised defensively.
"He's not a child Janelle, he's a young man-"
"A traumatised young man!" Mum exclaimed. After everything he's been through you'd-"
"Mum, relax," I told her as I slid down the banister.
"Billy, how many times have I asked you not to slide down the banister-"
"So you're gonna yell at him about that too?" Mum snapped.
"It's dangerous, Nelly!" Eddie exclaimed in frustration.
"Mum it was an accident, he didn't mean to freak me out or whatever," I told Mum. "And I was provoking him, I didn't really give him much of a choice. Come have dinner, alright? You worked a double shift, you need to put your feet up for a bit, alright?"
"Double shift? Why are you working a double shift?" Eddie asked her.
"I'm saving money, Edmund, that's why. I don't make as much an hour as you, remember?" Mum asked, obviously still irritated. I helped her out of her coat and took her handbag, knowing it would help her relax.
"What are you saving for?"
"A deposit for a rental property. I appreciate your hospitality but it's time Billy and I moved out, I think. I've got my eye on an apartment in Brixton."
"Brixton?!" Eddie exclaimed. "I'll not have my son and his mother living in godforsaken Brixton!"
"It's one of the only areas I can afford, Edmund. It's a nice apartment, on the second floor. It could do with a clean, but the landlord said if I can scrape together enough dosh by the end of the month he'll rent it to me with just a one month deposit."
"If you move to Brixton you'll be needing a pistol and a rape whistle - both of you," Eddie said, very disapprovingly.
"That's just a stereotype, Eddie."
"Stereotypes all come from truth, Janelle."
"Well then we'll take the one in Peckham, then!"
"That's worse! Where's your head at girl? Am I really that horrible to live with you'd risk being murdered in an alley for your ten-pound watch?"
"It was twenty, not ten!" Mum snapped indignantly, grabbing her wrist like she had to protect the worn out old watch she wore. "Not everybody can afford a Rolex like you!"
"If you really want to move out into your own space - and I understand why you do, it'd drive me bonkers relying on somebody else - then let me lend you some money to buy or rent a decent place in a decent neighbourhood. Alright? Please?"
"Eddie, I can't borrow anymore money from you," Mum told him. "I have to do this myself."
"Then wait a little bit longer until you've saved up enough to get a decent place. Please? I know you aren't my responsibility, but - at least to a degree - he is," Eddie told her, gesturing at me. "I need to make sure he's safe and secure, and if that means lending you money or housing you both until you get back on your feet, then I'm more than happy to do it. We could look at it like backpay for all the child support you never charged me."
Mum sighed and looked at me, giving me a weary smile. "We'll talk about it later."
"Good idea," I said. "Come on Mum, I'm starving - and dinner smells so good."
"Johnny and Caitlin cooked a roast pork," Eddie told her. "Let's get there before John eats all the crackling."
"Oh, Harris and I are going out for dinner tonight. You all go ahead and eat up and I'll have a shower and get ready," Mum told us. She went upstairs and we dug into dinner in the dining room. Ollie was giving me a lecture about all the crackle I was eating and how unhealthy it is when the doorbell rang - I jumped at the opportunity and excused myself to answer it, knowing it must be Harry.
"Perfect timing, Ollie was getting preachy about healthy eating habits," I told Harry when I answered the door. He laughed and made to step past me, but I quickly blocked him. He frowned at me curiously. "Firstly, what are your intentions with my mother?"
"I'm gonna take her out to a lovely dinner, spike her tea at dessert, steal all her jewelry and valuables, take her kidney, then leave her on the street. Any problems with that?" he teased me. I raised my eyebrow at him.
"Most of it. What's all that shit about a 'lovely dinner' and dessert?" I asked. He laughed and I let him in. "Seriously though. Mum was talking about saving money for a deposit on a rental. You aren't going to take her anywhere too 'lovely', are you? 'Cause you know her, she'll at least want to pay for her meal."
"Deposit? Are you guys moving out?"
"Yeah, eventually. Mum's all weird about staying in her ex-lover's house with his new wife and family. I kinda feel weird about it too, actually."
"Huh. Where's she looking?"
"She found a nice place in Brixton." Harry raised an eyebrow at me. "Well, she said it's nice - I haven't seen it. Apparently it needs a clean though."
"Uh-huh, sure. Where is she?"
"Upstairs, getting ready. Come on, I'll show you."
"I know where her room is, I've been in it," Harry told me as I led him to the staircase.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," I told him, starting up the stairs. Harry laughed and followed me up.
"Any plans for the school holidays, Bill?" Harry asked me as we walked up the hall.
"Sort of. We're going to camp in Trent's backyard for his birthday. And we're going to start recording a demo album. Eddie's got a studio in the basement, and Johnny's going to produce it and help us out."
"That sounds like fun, good on you."
"Thanks. Do you have any plans? A Summer job, perhaps?" I asked with a grin.
"I'm going to Greece, to see mum's side of family."
"Oh, nice."
"It is, especially in Summer. We go down to the beach, and at night it's lamb souvlaki and red wine for dinner."
"I don't think I've had souvlaki before."
"How about later this week you and your mother come over to my house for dinner, and I'll make it for you. How's that sound?"
"Ok, cool. I'm not working nights until Thursday, so any other weeknight suits me. Better check Mum's shifts though, she's all over the place at the moment."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, she's been working double shifts - for the deposit. Alright, well, here we are." We stopped at Mum's bedroom door and Harry knocked on it.
"Nelly? Love?" He opened the door and we both peered in. Mum looked beautiful, she had her hair all done up and her make up was minimal but really good and her dress was really pretty. She was passed out on the bed in all her made-up glory, snoring lightly as she does when she's really tired.
"Oh, Nel," Harry chuckled and went over to the bed. He kissed her cheek and murmured something in her ear to make her smile in her sleep. Her eyes fluttered open and she saw me in the doorway before she saw Harry leaning over her. "Good evening, sleeping beauty," Harry told her, giving her a kiss. I swallowed the urge to vomit. "Are we still going out tonight, or would you prefer to order a pizza and pass out watching Real Housewives re-runs?"
"They both sound so tempting," Mum smiled at him, carefully sitting up. "But I put all this effort into looking presentable, I might as well present. Just give me five minutes to check my make-up, honey."
"Sure," they kissed again and I buggered off before I could see anything too traumatising. I went back down to the dining room to finish eating my crackle, and a few minutes later Mum and Harry came down to say goodbye before they left.
"Goodnight baby boy, don't stay up too late tonight, alright?" Mum told me, kissing the top of my head and my cheeks as I sat at the table, unable to fight her off - much to everybody else's amusement.
"Mother, you're mothering me!" I protested.
"It's hysterical," Ollie laughed.
"Oh is it Oliver?" Mum asked. She grabbed him next, and started kissing his cheeks and forehead - much to my amusement. "Alright, goodnight boys," Mum said. "Goodnight everyone. Look after my baby for me, Oliver."
"No problem Nelly," Ollie laughed, collecting a handful of paper serviettes.
"Goodnight Nelly, see you later Harris." Everybody said goodbye and Mum and Harry left.
"Bring me back some cheesecake!" I yelled out to them as they walked out the door. Ollie and I went to the kitchen sink to help each other clean red lipstick off our faces with the serviettes Ollie had taken from the table. We helped Johnny and Caitlin do the dishes - we were on drying duty - then we went back upstairs to resume our guitar lessons. Once again, Eddie interrupted us - but he wasn't here to yell at me this time.
"I know Ollie's here, and he's welcome to stay later if he'd like, but do you think you and I could go over some ground rules?" Eddie asked me. "I've been thinking, and I'm sure we can work out a way to both get along. Ollie can mediate the discussion, if you want."
I looked at Ollie, who nodded slightly. "Sure," I told Eddie, repressing a groan. He smiled and came over to sit with us on my bed - it really is a ridiculous size.
"First rule - let's treat each other the way we'd like to be treated in return, alright? Sound fair?" Eddie asked us, even looking at Ollie like he expected him to confirm it.
"Yes, sure," I agreed.
"Second rule - stop swearing. So much, at least."
"But-"
"It's unnecessary, and it's not becoming."
"Fuck that-"
"Billy, please."
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Fine."
"Rule three - stop rolling your eyes. It's rude."
"Can I have some rules then?"
"Sure."
"One - stop bossing me around all the time. Two - stop trying to overrule Mum. She raised me, she knows me and she trusts me - don't tell me I can't do something if Mum says I can, because you don't know if I can be trusted to do the right thing or not. Mother knows best - agreed?"
"Alright, I guess that makes sense. Any more rules?"
"Yes. Three - stop trying so hard to be my friend, because it's embarrassing and cringe-worthy. Four - just because my bedroom door is closed, it doesn't automatically mean me and Ollie are fucking, alright? We could, for example, be trying to study - and we don't need to be distracted by you or Johnny playing music or whatever down the hall. Alternatively, we could be the ones playing music so we close the door so it doesn't disrupt you lot - like tonight," I pointed out. "But if the door is closed and Ollie's here it's probably safer to knock first anyroad," I added. Eddie raised an eyebrow at me.
"The door stays open - ajar. Deal?"
"But-"
"No, no buts. That's my compromise, alright?"
"What is wrong with me having a sex life?" I asked frustratedly. "Mum always says she'd rather I did it at home with condoms then bareback out in a dark alley someplace! And it's not like either of us are gonna get pregnant!"
"We can discuss it with your mother later, alright? In the meantime, the door is to stay open at least a foot. Deal?"
"But what about Johnny and Caitlin?"
"They're adults."
"So are we!"
"You're sixteen."
"Only for three more months! It's a gay thing, isn't it?" I asked crossly, narrowing my eyes at Eddie.
"It is not a gay thing, William," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Double standards then? Johnny's always been your favourite child, I mean you stuck it out with him-"
"William, enough. We will discuss it when your mother comes home."
"Fine," I grumbled. I still thought he was being unreasonable - not that there was much going on between me and Ollie for him to be worried about lately.
"So, to recap: no swearing, door open, treat each other the way we want to be treated-"
"Wait, does that mean that you aren't allowed to close your bedroom door either?" I interrupted.
"No, Billy."
"Then that's not fair, that's not treating me the way you want to be treated."
"Don't pick fights, Billy - you know exactly what I mean." I rolled my eyes, prompting his fourth rule. "No rolling eyes!" Eddie reminded me.
"And, no bossing me around, don't overrule my mum, and stop trying so hard to make me like you."
"Lastly, the door must stay open at least a foot - until we discuss it with your mother and let her decide what's appropriate. Sound good?"
"It's acceptable," I muttered.
"Excellent. I'm going to make some coffee and watch telly downstairs with the girls and Johnny. Would you both like to join us?"
"Maybe later," I said, looking to Ollie. "I think we'll practice a little longer, before anyone starts going to bed."
"Alright, well I'll either see you later tonight or tomorrow morning." Eddie buggered off and I closed the door - but left it open ajar. We practiced some more, until the sight of Ollie on my bed grew too much for me to handle and I pounced: now we were snogging, and touching, and getting well on with it. It didn't bother either of us that the door was still open a smidgen; we were too preoccupied and swept up in the fact that we were finally getting somewhere for once. Having the lights on helped keep my imagination from delving into dark places, and Ollie was letting me take the lead, so I knew I had full control. We didn't go all the way - that was Ollie's idea, he didn't want to push our luck and set it further back or anything if I freaked out again - but we made solid progress, and really, it's not like it's a bad thing we didn't shag. I'd be happy just to kiss Oliver if it was all I could do, and he seemed pretty happy with that too. We might not be going all the way, but our snogging sessions were getting better and better and more and more frequent.
Maybe that's because we weren't shagging...
Anyroad, we (or I, I guess) made progress, happy endings were had, and we both felt really good about it afterwards, so what's not to be pleased about?
"Best guitar lesson ever," Ollie told me with a smile, kissing me one more time.
"And you're officially a better student than Tony," I told him. He laughed and we cuddled and put a movie on. We didn't finish it before we both fell asleep on my bed.