Billy Carter

Chapter 28: Family Portrait

"Can we not study? Please? There's literally one week of school left - Mr. Skinerd isn't going to throw another test at us, and if he did the score wouldn't count for anything anyroad," I moaned, face-down at the kitchen table.
"But it's a head-start for next year," Ollie said.
"I don't want a head-start, that's not fair on the other students."
"Bill, if you read the book now, it'll make it easier for you to understand it next year when we read it again - and you struggle with that, so it's important we make as much stick as we can. You know how you remember things best? Buy doing them over and over. And it's not a bad book, actually."
"Can we watch the movie instead?"
"We aren't going to be analyzing the movie, William."
"But it's really good. It's got Leonardo DiCaprio in it."
"And he's an excellent actor, but again, we aren't analyzing the movie."
I heard footsteps and looked up to see Mum walk into the kitchen and towards the fridge. "What are you two studying? School's almost over."
"My point exactly."
"We're studying The Great Gatsby. Or, trying to." Ollie gave me an impatient look.
"Ah. I hated that book. The movie's great though." Mum closed the fridge and turned around with a cold bottle of water in her hands. She leaned back against the fridge and unscrewed the cap. "What's wrong Billy?"
"My brain's fried," I sighed. "I want to stop."
"We're not stopping until you finish the next ten pages. Both sides of the paper," Ollie told me. I rolled my eyes.
"I don't wanna."
"I don't care."
"But I'm precious," I looked over at Ollie and pouted. "I'm sensitive and delicate right now - I need cuddles, not boring old books."
"You can have cuddles after you finish the next ten pages."
"Two."
"Ten."
"Three."
"Ten."
"Five."
"Ten."
"Five."
"Ten."
"Five and a half."
"Seven and you've got a deal."
"Ok."
"Plus three more."
"Ollie!"
He laughed at my annoyance and put the stupid book in front of me. "Five. Alright?"
"Good. You know it's really not my fault - if the book wasn't so boring I wouldn't mind. I'd read all the pages if it was exciting. Really it's the author's fault. Or Mr. Skinerd's, for choosing it."
"He didn't choose the book, the School Board did," Ollie told me. "Shut up and start reading. Or, don't shut up, because I want you to read aloud."
"Why do I have to read it out loud?" I whined.
"You'll remember it better and I'll know you aren't just pretending to read it and are really daydreaming about something else."
"I can't help it if I daydream - it's your fault I'm always daydreaming of you. If you weren't so handsome-"
"You're not flirting your way out of this, Bill."
"Fuck you."
"After. Now, start reading."
After a heavy sigh I picked up where we'd left off and Mum left the room smiling. She really likes Ollie, and she likes us together. I'd spoken to her before Ollie came over to study/for dinner about my partner predicament. She encouraged me to go with my heart and be honest - and make a decision as soon as possible, so whoever I didn't chose could move on. I was pretty sure she thought I was going to break up with Annabelle to get back together with Oliver. I don't think Mum prefers Ollie over Annabelle; I know for a a fact that she likes Annabelle very much (I think Annabelle reminds her a bit of her teenage-self). But I think she knows that while I adore Annabelle, it's Oliver I'm in love with. And I definitely know that all she wants is for me to be happy, and will support me no matter what. But talking to her had helped me fully realise that I needed to break up with Annabelle. I hated to be letting her down again, and I felt horrible about it - she really deserved so much better.
When Oliver arrived, before we started to study, I told him that I was going to break up with Annabelle and that I wanted to get back together with him. He was happy that we were going to be together again, but he also felt bad for Annabelle. He reassured me that it wasn't my fault I was in this position though - I hadn't wanted to break up with him and date her in the first place; Dad had forced me into it.
Oliver and I finally finished reading and were packing our stuff up to clear the table when the doorbell rang - shortly before the front door was opened.
"Hello! We're here!" Eddie called from the front door.
"Great," I rolled my eyes and Ollie gave my arm (the good one) a supportive squeeze. "I'm just sick of telling the story over and over - and constantly explaining myself." I told him. "And Eddie's a pain in the arse."
"Yeah, but they all care about you. And he isn't a complete pain in the arse - he let you and Nelly stay here."
"Well he has to - Johnny would kick his arse if he didn't," I sighed, then I grinned at Ollie. "I like Johnny, I can't wait for you two to meet. You'll like him too."
"If he's anything like you, then I'm his biggest fan," Ollie pulled me close and gave me a kiss.
"But, uh, I want to talk to you about that too," I said, pulling away slightly. "You're my friend - as far as they know. Right?"
Ollie sighed and stepped back, letting go of me. "Fine," he said, sounding frustrated.
"You sound frustrated."
"That might be because I am," he grumbled. "They won't think any less of you, they won't hurt you, and if Eddie can keep your existence quiet for almost eighteen years then I'm sure he can keep your sexuality a secret for however long it takes you to feel comfortable enough to come out. I understand now you trying to keep it from Steven, but these people love you and they would never lay a hand on you. And if anyone else ever does, you have to tell me. You have to. Understood?"
"Yes," I mumbled, looking down. "I've already had this talk with Mum, y'know? And Harry Roberts, and your dad-"
"And you're probably about to have it again with Eddie and Johnny."
"Probably."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Alright then, friend. Shall we greet your family?"
"Fine." I rolled my eyes again and we headed towards the front door.
Mum was already in the foyer when me and Ollie went there. Everyone was shuffling towards the stairs with their suitcases, and Mum was taking coffee orders.
"Who wants tea and coffee? Can I help anyone with their bags?" Mum asked.
"No, sweetheart," Michelle told her, just as Holly came in with a tray of take-away coffees. "You drink tea with honey, don't you love?" she asked, taking a cup off the tray and handing it to Mum.
"Oh, thank you," Mum smiled gratefully and accepted the drink.
"And these are for you, too," Johnny told her, giving her a vibrant, colourful bouquet of flowers. Mum promptly burst into tears and Michelle gave her a big, warm hug.
"Oh, darling," Michelle said quietly. "It's not your fault, love. It's not your fault." Eddie dropped his suitcase and went over to rub Mum's back.
"It's going to be ok, Nelly," he told her. "We're here for the both of you, alright? Where is he?"
'Hiding," I said, standing in the hallway on the other side of the room. Ollie was next to me.
"Not very well," Johnny teased, grinning at me and putting his own stuff down so he could give me a hug. He squeezed me tight, and his hug was warm and comforting, protective. I felt just a little bit safer now - I had my big brother looking out for me. We'd bonded pretty quickly.
Johnny let go of me and Eddie took no time at all to pull me into a big bear-hug. He held me incredibly tightly and started to cry, much to my surprise.
"I am so sorry," he said. "If I had've been there for you and your mother, if I'd taken responsibility for you like I should have, if I'd been here to protect you like a father is supposed to... I'm so sorry, William. You're my son, you've always been my son and all I've done is let you down from the very beginning. I don't see how I can ever make it up to you, and I know you don't know me and I haven't given you any reason to trust me or rely on me yet, but I swear on my life Billy, from now on I will always be here for you, no matter what. I will always stand by you, I will always protect you, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you are healthy and safe and well. I am so sorry I let you down. You don't need to worry about that man - or anyone else - hurting you ever again. I will pay for a restraining order, I will pay for security measures to be put in place when or if you and your mother move out of here - of course you are welcome to stay here for as long as you want - and if you want to press charges against Steven I'll pay for that too. Anything you need, anything at all - emotionally, financially, whatever. I'm here for you and your mother."
"Oh, wow. Thanks Eddie," I said. I was completely blown away by the emotion in his words. I could tell he meant all of it, too. I even hugged him back. "It's not your fault, but thank you."
"I know it's not my fault, but I still feel like I put you and your mother in that position - I left you both so vulnerable." Eddie let go of me and turned to my mother. He pulled her into a hug too. "I'm so sorry Janelle. You were so young, and I left you pregnant, homeless and abandoned by everyone you knew and trusted. I let so much stress and responsibility that should have been mine fall on your shoulders. I was selfish and there's no excuse. I'm so sorry."
"Thank you, Edmund. I forgive you, you know," Mum told him with a smile. "And I'll be forever grateful to you for letting us stay here while I work something else out."
"But that's just it, Nelly - you shouldn't feel grateful, this is the least I can do for you. I should have been supporting you from the very beginning, and I'm so sorry that it took this horrible revelation for me to see that. I'm sure you won't take me up on it, but Nelly, if you need anything at all, just tell me and I'll make it happen. From a £30 phone bill to a penthouse in central London, all you need to do is give me a ring and I'll sort it out. You need a new car? You got it. House repairs? No problem. If you want to go back to university, I'll pay all your school fees and household expenses until you graduate. I'll pay for all your household expenses after you graduate too, if you want. I will do anything I can to make your life easier."
"Oh Eddie, that really isn't necessary - you've done so much already, paying off mine and Steven's debt. Thank you, though."
Mum, Eddie and Michelle continued talking, and Holly came over to me.
"I'm really sorry about everything, Billy," Holly told me, and gave me a hug. "I don't really know what to say, but just know that I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you ever need."
"Thanks Holly. I appreciate it." I smiled at her and she smiled back.
"You're welcome."
"How are you? Besides the obvious?" Johnny asked me.
"Ok," I shrugged. "I got a cool cast." I held my injured arm up for everyone to see. "It's basically indestructible. I'm really enjoying hitting Trent over the head with it when he pisses me off."
Johnny laughed, and he turned to Ollie. "Trent, I presume?"
"No - Oliver." Ollie and Johnny shook hands. "Bill's mate, and tutor. It's nice to meet you."
"You too. Same year?"
"Yep."
"Well, Billy and Oliver, this is my wife Caitlin," Johnny told us, putting his arm around her waist. Caitlin was a thin, beautiful blonde in a baby-doll dress - most likely to hide her baby bump, in which case it was working, because I couldn't see it.
"Hi Billy, it's wonderful to finally meet you," she gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I'm looking forward to getting to know you, sweetheart."
"Yeah, uh, me too," I smiled back at her. "Can I help you guys with your stuff? I mean, I'll do my best. Ollie can be the pack-mule - he's strong. Has two functioning arms."
"Well if you don't mind, it'd be great to get this all upstairs in one trip rather than two," Johnny said. "You can take Caitlin's bathroom bag, Bill - it's pretty light."
"What? Can't you see I'm injured and traumatized?!" I exclaimed - jokingly, of course, in an effort to lighten the mood. "And you want me to be your slave?!"
Johnny and Caitlin didn't seem to get the joke, at first.
"He's kidding," Ollie told them, and their confused, horrified expressions faded away.
"Oh. Good," Johnny laughed and picked up his suitcase again. "Well let's go then."
Me and Ollie helped Johnny and Caitlin shift all their suitcases upstairs to their bedroom - Mum had kicked me out of it yesterday morning to free it up for them. I was sleeping in the spare bedroom just down the hall now.
We went into the bedroom and I saw straight away that I'd forgotten to put the clean sheets on - that Mum had asked me to do a hundred times already.
"Shit, I'm sorry - we were studying and I forgot to put your clean sheets on," I told Johnny and Caitlin, putting the bag I'd been allocated down. I went over and started with the sheets, but I wasn't very quick with one hand in a cast. Ollie came over to help, and so did Caitlin and Johnny. Caitlin and Johnny took the foot of the bed, and he lifted the mattress so she could tuck the sheet in while me and Ollie put the pillow cases on the pillows.
"Oh!" Caitlin said in surprise, blushing slightly. "Was your Mum in here, Bill?"
"No, me," I told her, too busy fighting with a stubborn pillow to notice what she was taking out from under the mattress.
"Oh," she said, and looked up at Johnny with a glare.
"Well they're not mine!" he told her. I noticed Ollie stopped what he was doing, so I did too, to see what had caught his attention. Caitlin had my magazines. My Play Girl magazines. Johnny glanced at the magazine cover, then at me, before looking away and awkwardly clearing his throat. I went over and snatched the magazines off Caitlin - she let go of them without any protest - and hugged them to my chest, as if they didn't already know what they were and why I had them.
"Don't, um, tell Eddie. Or anyone," I said.
"Sure," Johnny said, and Caitlin gave me a small reassuring smile.
"I'm not gay, by the way," I said. "I'm bi. Ollie's gay, he's my, um, boyfriend. We've been dating for almost a year now. Dad- uh, Steve - found out. He didn't like it. Among other things and pre-existing issues we had... But you get my point. Right?"
"Right," Johnny and Caitlin both nodded. "But weren't you dating Annabelle? How have you two been together for a year?"
"Well, we started dating last October, and a few weeks ago Dad - Steve - found out that I was dating Ollie. He made me break up with Ollie, and when Annabelle came over to see me he made me start dating her. I dated her briefly in the past, just before Ollie and I officially got together. Now that everything with Dad is, well, finished: I'm breaking up with Annabelle, and Ollie and I are getting back together," I explained.
"How'd she take it? Does she know about what was happening with your step-father?" Johnny asked.
"Well, technically I haven't broken up with her yet. She knows about Dad, but not that he forced me to date her. I still haven't decided if I should tell her about that part or leave it out. I think she'd feel horrible if she knew he used her against me like that."
"Yeah, that's fair. Well I wish you all the luck with that. She seems to really care about you."
"I know. She's a really wonderful girl. I do care about her, but it's Ollie I'm in love with." I looked at Oliver as I spoke. "I just feel so horrible. As much as Dad might have forced me to date her, I still used her. She was an escape, and I feel like I took advantage of her feelings for me to distract myself from what was really happening. I shouldn't have treated her like that. She deserves so much better." I looked down at my feet shamefully, and Ollie squeezed my hand.
"I know she'll forgive you, Bill," Ollie said. "I'm sure she'll be hurt when you tell her, but she's a lot smarter than she sometimes acts. I don't think she'll hold a grudge against you."
"I just don't want to hurt her. Again. I already did this to her once before, when you and I started dating last year."
"Well on the bright side, you just came out to Johnny and Caitlin," Ollie pointed out with a smile. "That wasn't so hard now, was it? I mean I hate to say I told you so, but-"
"Shut up!" I glared at him, and he laughed.
"Billy, just so you know, we don't care if you're bisexual, or gay or anything like that. You're still my brother. More than that, you're still a human being," Johnny told me. "And I want you to feel comfortable with us, I want you to know you can tell us anything and we'll never judge you. Hell, we both experimented in college-"
"Ok, ok! Too much information!" I dropped my magazines to block my ears, just as Mum came in with the rest of the coffees.
"Who wants their- oh Jesus Christ, William, those are private!" Mum scolded me, seeing the magazines on the floor. "Pick those up and put them away, I'm not touching them."
"I didn't have them out on the bed or anything, Caitlin found them under the mattress! And they aren't dirty - well, they're dirty but they're not dirty."
"Well if you'd made the goddamn bed when I first told you to-" she stopped and looked out around the door. "Hide them, Eddie's coming."
I scrambled to pick them up and look for a place to hide them, until Johnny cottoned on and lifted the mattress again. I frisbeed the magazines under it, and he put the mattress back down just as Eddie, Michelle and Holly came in.
"This is the place to be then, huh?" Eddie said. "So what are our thoughts on dinner? Eat out, eat in, take-away - whatever you want."
"I'm up for anything Nelly and Bill want to do," Johnny said, and sat down on the bed.
"I don't really want to go anywhere," Mum sighed. "I've been working all day, and I'm exhausted."
"Oh, of course," Eddie laughed. "It's seven o'clock here, but for us it's eleven in the morning. You've had a full day and we're just getting started."
"I want chips. Hot, salty chips. But not too salty," I said.
"Fish and chips it is then," Eddie said. "I'll start a list on my phone, who wants what? Holly, you'll have crab sticks, won't you?" Eddie took everyone's order and he and Michelle went to pick it up while everyone else - after settling - went downstairs to the main living room. Caitlin put the telly on, but it was mainly background noise while we all caught up.
And by 'caught up' I mean everyone else caught up while I watched Holly flirt with an oblivious Ollie and tried not to burst out laughing.
"Wow, so you must work out," Holly told Ollie, squeezing his bicep.
"Oh, yeah," he told her, not catching on. "I go for a jog everyday, and I go to the gym a few times a week."
"Like, is it a looks thing?" she asked. He laughed.
"No, no I do it because it's healthy - and it keeps me fit outside of football season."
"Well, you look really good anyway."
"Oh, thank you."
"Do you have a girlfriend? I bet she loves your muscles."
"Oh, uh, no. Um, no."
"Why not? I bet girls are falling all over themselves trying to date you."
"Well, they were," Ollie told her, glancing at me and smiling. "But then I came out as gay," he said, and I watched her face pale. I felt kind of bad that I didn't say something and save her some embarrassment, but I love watching Ollie get hit on by girls. I guess it's because:
a) He'd never be interested in a million years, so I don't have to get jealous or suspicious that he might be tempted, and;
b) I love the smug feeling I get knowing that he's all mine. He is absolutely brilliant, he's smart, funny, kind - not to mention handsome and fit as fuck - and I'm the lucky bastard who gets to enjoy it and keep him all to myself.
Sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way about me. I always hope so. And I often wonder if he gets jealous too. I mean, I don't mind him hanging out with girls because I don't have to worry about him cheating on me. And I don't have to worry about him around our friends - because they're all either straight or girls. Really, Guy is my only rival, and Ollie doesn't like him very much at all anymore, not after he'd made those comments about me. But I'm bisexual, so, in theory, I could have anyone - except for straight men and gay women. Sometimes I wonder if Ollie ever doubts my loyalty, or if he worries that I might stray or be tempted.
"You alright?" Ollie asked, snapping me back to reality. I nodded, still chewing absentmindedly on my thumb nail. "Have you showed Johnny any of your music yet? Any of your songs?"
That piqued Johnny's interest. He looked over and glanced between me and Ollie. "Music?" Johnny asked.
"Yeah, Billy writes his own songs,"
"Oh, I knew that. I didn't get a chance to hear much of it though."
"Billy and his band have been recording their stuff downstairs this past week," Ollie told Johnny. "They're looking at making a demo CD."
"Aw, that's awesome!" Johnny grinned enthusiastically. "Downstairs you say? Well let's have a listen then!"
"No! They aren't finished!"
"I don't care, you should hear some of my shitty demos. Come on." Johnny got up and started for the hallway that lead to the basement stairs.
"No! Johnny!" I got up and hurried after him, and the fucker started running towards the stairs, so I chased after him, while he laughed.
Johnny won - I chalked it up to his longer legs - and beat me to the underground studio. He locked himself inside and started playing the last recording while I pounded on the door.
"Let me in! You're a shitty brother John! Johnny!" I shouted, banging on the door. He gave me a fake look of confusion, pretending he couldn't hear me. Finally he got up and let me in. "You're mean!" I grumbled. He laughed and gave me an exaggerated, unwarranted bear-hug.
"I'm so sorry baby bro," he told me in a mocking baby-voice. "Did I hurt your feelings?"
"You're crushing me!" I complained. Ok, so secretly I was loving it a little bit. But it was annoying.
"In all seriousness, it sounds pretty solid," Johnny told me, letting go and looking up at one of the speakers my latest demo was being broadcast from. I was singing on the track, but we'd recorded Tony playing both guitars (separately, obviously) because with my arm in a cast I couldn't play. Very well. "Do you guys know how to use a recording studio? Really?"
"Um, well Harry our music teacher showed us some stuff but mainly we just kind of made it up as we went along. YouTube also helped."
"When are you guys recording next? I'll sit in if you want, and I'll show you guys how to use all these switches and dials, alright? I promise I won't impede your creative process. But I'll warn you that Dad will probably want to teach you everything, and he's good at that, I mean he certainly knows what he's doing - he's got the Grammy's and double-platinum albums to prove it - but he tends to take over a bit. He means well, but it's infuriating." He rolled his eyes and sighed, and I was quiet while I just looked up at him - he's taller than me.
"Don't you think it's a bit weird how we've only met each other for the first time a few weeks ago, and we haven't really had much time to get to know each other and bond or anything, but for some reason it doesn't matter? I mean, you're my brother. It just... fits. It's like I've known you forever. Is that weird?"
Johnny frowned and thought about it. "Probably," he said. "But it's the same for me. I don't know why, but it is. It's like we grew up together. It's like I already know you, how you react to things, what you find funny, what you find sad, blah blah blah. Maybe we just have a lot in common. I don't really care either way - I'm just happy we're getting along. How about Dad?"
"Eddie? It's different with him. I'm not really his biggest fan," I said quietly. "No offense to you, of course."
"No, none taken. I'm not very happy with him at the moment either. He screwed my mum over, but what he did to you and Nelly... He turned her life upside-down, and he wouldn't even help her find her footing. He abandoned you to whatever came your way, and look how that ended up," he gestured to my cast. "At least he payed child support to my mother. He just left Nelly - and you - out to dry. And he had shared custody of me, so I saw him as often as any other kid with separated parents. Except for when he toured, but then when I got a bit older he'd take me with him. My point is, he was there for me and my mother. I wasn't planned and he had no feelings for her, but at least he was there for us. I guess, I just don't understand what he was thinking when the same thing happened with your mum, or at least how he could pretend you didn't exist. I'm going to be a father now, and I don't understand how he could possibly do it. I can't imagine doing that to my child. And this baby wasn't planned either, to be honest. I don't get it. I know I've said it a hundred times, but I don't get it. It makes me angry that he could be so selfish."
"Me too," I murmured bitterly. "It really sucks. To grow up and know that you weren't wanted? To the point where instead of manning up and dealing with it he ran away and never looked back? It stings. And hey, if he had to leave, he could've at least spared some dosh for child support."
"What's dosh?"
"Money."
"Oh. Yeah, you're right. At least he seems to have finally realised what a huge ass he was." He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. "Listen, I'm really sorry he did that. I'm sorry I didn't know. And I'm sorry about Steven; I never would have guessed. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you. But I won't push you. I had a girlfriend years ago who went through the same sort of thing with her father. She had a lot of confused and conflicting feelings, and she felt a lot of guilt, like somehow it was all her fault. I know there's a lot more to it than 'he's a bad man who hurt me' - she had a really complicated relationship with her abuser. But whatever you feel, you're entitled to it - just know that nothing was your fault."
"But it kinda was."
"What did I just say?"
"I know, but - ok, just hear me out." I sighed and sat down on one of the wheely office-chairs. Johnny sat down on one opposite me. "So, basically it's black and white, but also kind of grey."
Johnny frowned at me with confusion. "Go on," he said.
"Well, let's say he told me to clean my room. I didn't, so he'd belt me. If I had just cleaned my room, then he wouldn't have belted me."
"Ok..." Johnny said quietly. "I guess I understand what you're saying there, but the way I see it is that even though you didn't clean your room, belting you is taking the discipline way too far. He could have, I don't know, grounded you instead. Or told you off. He never should have laid a hand on you. Ever."
"But he only did it when I deserved it-"
"You never deserved it, Billy. Maybe you deserved a punishment of some kind, but again, hurting you is taking it way too far. He had so many options to discipline you - he could have confiscated your cell phone, no TV, bed without dinner, grounding, he could have made you do chores. There is nothing a child could ever do to deserve a beating. Nothing. Do you see what I'm saying? I understand where you're coming from, but do you understand where I'm coming from?"
I thought about everything he'd said and I could understand what he meant. Was that what everyone else had been trying to explain to me?
"Yes, I do... Johnny, do you think it's possible that he could still love me? Even though he did all those things, I think he did them out of a misguided place of love. He's looked after me since I was one for fuck's sake, you can't possibly spend that much time looking after a child and not care about them. Right?"
"I think... Look, I don't know the guy. I don't know your relationship minus all the bad things, and I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I think, if it was me, I would care about you, but it's because I'd care that I'd never lay a hand on you. Maybe you're right, maybe it was his way of teaching you and somehow he thought he was looking out for you. That certainly doesn't justify it in any way, shape or form, though."
"He was abused, too. His parents... they'd touch him and stuff. You know?"
"What, you mean sexual abuse?"
"Yeah. It's how he was brought up. The way I see it, he didn't know any other way to parent. He didn't want to hurt me, but he didn't know how else to teach me things."
"Teach you things?"
"Yeah, like responsibility - by smacking my upside the head when I didn't tidy or whatever."
"Oh. Shit, I thought you meant, like, sexual things."
"Oh. He didn't molest me as a kid or anything. Wait, how much do you know about what he did?" I asked.
"Well, nobody has mentioned any specifics. All I was told was that he had been secretly abusing you for years, and your mother finally found out. I assumed verbal and physical abuse."
"Oh."
"So he never sexually abused you?" I hesitated for a split second, debating whether or not I wanted to tell him. Johnny noticed my pause and caught on before I could make a decision. "Bill, does anyone else know?" he asked, sounding extra worried now.
"Mum knows," I told Johnny. "I don't know what she told Eddie, but she knows."
"Do you mind if I ask when that started?"
"A few weeks ago, after he found out I'm bisexual - before I found out about being related to you and Eddie. I'm still not sure what his logic behind it was, considering he's homophobic and wanted me to be straight. I'm sorry, but I don't really want to talk about the details," I said quietly, sensing the beginnings of a panic attack.
"God, don't apologise! I'm so sorry Billy. Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. About all of it."
"Don't be. I... look, I don't want to give you too much information, and if you don't feel comfortable talking about this that's ok, but the first time - and last, so far - that Ollie and I started getting, um, frisky... I couldn't do it. I had a panic attack. And we've done it plenty of times before, but this time all I could think about was the attack. I was imagining Dad in his place, and I couldn't stop. It was like Dad was actually there; I could smell him and hear his voice. We haven't, um, done much more than kissing since. It was really embarrassing, and I'm scared that will happen again."
"I'm sure Oliver understands, Billy."
"He does, he's been nothing short of amazing - always has been - but I want to be close with him, too. I just can't seem to get Dad out of my head."
"Are you seeing a counselor?"
"Yeah, and I've told her all of that."
"What does she say about it?"
"That it will take time."
"And so it will. Don't pressure yourself to return to normal too quickly - you've been through a lot, and it's going to take time for you to process it all. There's no shame in taking your time."
"I know... Thanks Johnny."
"You're welcome. Who else knows about this?"
"My counsellor, Mum, Ollie, Annabel, Jimmy, apparently Harry, and now you. Maybe Eddie, depending on what Mum's told him. I'm sure she'd have told him everything though."
"Let's talk about something a bit cheerier, huh? You look like you need a break from all of that. So tell me about Ollie. How'd you meet? He's very good looking," he said with a smile, and I smiled too.
"He's awesome, and I love him." I went on to answer his questions, and before long Ollie came down and joined in the conversation, filling in the blanks I left. Caitlin came down next, but only to tell us that Eddie and Michelle had brought dinner home.
"So, any plans for the weekend, Bill?" Eddie asked me at the dinner table.
"Well," I stopped to swallow my mouthful of chips; "Today was Cynthia's birthday. We have a gig tomorrow at a pub, and then we're going back to Cyn's for her party. We have another gig Saturday night, then I have work on Sunday - only six hours, though. I plan to get a lot of sleeping done, too."
"And studying," Ollie added. I rolled my eyes at him, and Eddie laughed.
"Studying? The school year's practically finished!" Eddie said.
"Exactly-"
"Bill needs to finish The Great Gatsby before the next year starts, at least. I want him to read it twice before then," Ollie said.
"Why?" Eddie asked with a frown. He'll be alright, won't he? Won't you?" He turned to me, and I sighed and shot Ollie an annoyed glare.
"I'll read it before next year, but you can't expect me to read it twice, Ollie," I told him.
"You can and you will. Practice makes perfect, right?"
"Well I don't understand why you're punishing me for something I can't control!" I exclaimed. "I mean it's not like I'm not trying!"
"I know you're trying, and you're doing really well Billy," Ollie told me. "But unfortunately you're probably always going to have to work a little bit harder and a little bit more than everyone else at these things."
"Yeah? To do what? Be half as good?"
"Now you're just beating yourself up," he sighed. "You're twisting my words."
"Well that's what I thought you meant," I snapped.
"That's enough, that's enough!" Mum interrupted. "Oliver, go easy on Billy," she told him, then she turned to me. "Billy, listen to Oliver and do as he says."
"Mum!" I exclaimed, then I sighed and ate another chip. I was too tired to argue.
"Are you ok Bill?" Ollie asked me. I ignored him, but he pressed on. "Hey, your mum said you have do everything I say, right? Could you maybe answer me?" He was only teasing to try and lighten the mood, and I knew that because of his handsome little half-smile and the care in his eyes, but I wasn't in the mood. I looked up him with a flat expression.
"Fucking peachy Ol, thanks for asking," I snapped. "You're supposed to be on my side, remember?"
"I am on your side."
"Whatever."
"I am."
"Well irregardless I don't want to talk-"
"Irregardless isn't a word."
"... What?"
"It's just regardless. Irregardless isn't a word."
"And this is the opportune time to correct my fucking grammar is it?" I asked angrily. "If you're so fucking smart how is it you don't realise that my fucking English is literally the least of my problems right now? And you're absolutely rocketing to the top of the list, by the way."
"Bill-"
"No, no - you're right, as usual! And I'm wrong, I'm dumb, stupid, can't-do-anything-right Billy. Why are we even bothering to send me to school next year, huh? I'm gonna fail, like Dad said I would, and it'll just be a waste of money. Should've remembered to take that fucking seatbelt off!"
"Billy!" Mum and Ollie both exclaimed, and the others frowned.
"What are you talking about?" Eddie asked.
"I drove Dad's van into a tree last week, didn't Mum tell you?" I said dryly. "She tells Harry everything apparently. Doctor said if I hadn't had my seatbelt on I'd've probably been killed. I forgot to take it off before I crashed the car."
"You did it on purpose?!" Johnny asked in alarm.
I scoffed. "Doesn't matter, I didn't die. Can't even kill myself properly. Third time's the charm, I guess."
"Billy," Ollie put his hand on my leg under the table and looked at me earnestly. "I'm sorry I upset you, I was just playing around. Come on, let's finish dinner."
"Well it's your fault!" I snapped at him.
"What is?" he asked with a confused frown.
"If that stupid song hadn't been on the radio I wouldn't have chickened out at the last second!" I told him. "I'd be dead and none of this would be happening!"
"William!" Mum raised her voice. "Go to your room!"
I pushed my chair away from the table and stomped off towards the stairs in the foyer.
"I'll go see if he's-"
"No, Ollie - I need to speak to him first," Mum said, sounding upset. "I'll explain everything to you when I've finished scolding my child."
"Do you really think a scolding is what he needs right now?" Eddie asked. "He's just gotten out of an abusive situation, he's clearly depressed and suicidal-"
"Of course, because you know so much about parenting my child," Mum snapped.
"Well I know enough to know that you should have told me about this car crash!" he exclaimed.
"I wanted to tell you in person! I thought you deserved to find out from me personally, not over the fucking phone!"
"You should have told me as soon and you found out! He's my son too!" They were getting louder now, I could hear them from the hallway upstairs.
"It's been a month since you decided he was suddenly worthy of your time! He's my son first and foremost - he didn't even want to meet you, he wanted nothing to do with you and he never would have had your 'insider' not spilled the beans! Did you know everyone at his fucking school knew before he did? He had no idea what was going on! And suddenly he's all over the papers, the telly, the magazines - the fact that his own father abandoned him is everywhere! Do you have any idea what you put that boy through?"
"What I put him through?!" Eddie shouted. "Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't marry an abusive fuckhead!"
"Don't you dare put that on me Edmund Allan! Do you honestly think if I had any idea I would've stayed with him?!"
"Well you married him, so you must love him!"
"I don't love him! I haven't loved him for years! I married him and I stayed with him because if I didn't the CPS would've taken Billy away! I have no money, remember?! My parents cut me off when they found out I was pregnant, I was homeless for two months! I love that boy far too much to let CPS take him away from me! For nearly seventeen years we've only had each other!"
"You were selfish, maybe he would have been better off if CPS had of taken him - they would've given him to me then! At the very least he wouldn't have grown up in an abusive household!"
"What on Earth makes you think he would've been better off with the man who didn't want him? The man who wanted me to abort him because he couldn't face his own mistakes? You never wanted anything to do with him until you got sick!"
"That's not true! I kept everything you ever sent me of him! Every photo, every letter-"
"Bollocks! You're full of shit, Edmund! You wanted to pretend he didn't exist!"
"Fine! I admit it, ok? Are you happy? I never wanted anything to do with him - I was stupid and I was selfish but I know better now! When I got sick I realized that if I died never having met him I'd regret it. I got a second chance, and I decided-"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Johnny was talking now. I'd sat down at the top of the stairs and was listening in while my throat tightened and my eyes teared up. All I could think was that this was all my fault. If I'd just kept my damn mouth shut, none of this would be happening. No one would be yelling or pointing the finger or upset. Nobody wanted me around. I felt so alone. "You didn't start contacting Nelly because you were sick!" Johnny said, sounding angry. "You started contacting Nelly because I made you!"
"What?" Mum asked.
"I was looking for my old tape recorder in the attic and I found this big box - it had all this stuff in it, unopened letters and photos. I read one of your letters - the one about Billy learning to ride a bike, I remember it perfectly. I had to read the rest of them after that, I was starting to work it out. Then I took the box downstairs to where Dad was, watching TV. I showed him what I found and he explained it all to me, then and there. We talked about it, and I made him contact you, because the letters gave me the impression you were going through a rough time and could use some help. Plus, I wanted to meet the brother I'd always wanted but never known I had."
And the shouting was on again. This time Johnny joined in. Ollie came out of the dining room, looking tired. He came for the stairs and gave me a grim smile when he saw me sitting at the top with a face wet with tears.
"They're fighting because they love you, you know," he said as he began to ascend.
"I should've kept my damn mouth shut. I shouldn't have told Jimmy anything," I sniffled.
"Don't say that."
"Why? I'd prefer that over this!"
"Well I don't, and the world revolves around me, remember? Let's go to your bedroom." He helped me to my feet and we headed for my bedroom.
"I'm not going to study," I mumbled, drying my cheeks and eyes with my shirtsleeve.
"You don't need to study - I think you could do with those cuddles instead." He kissed the side of my head and I summoned a small smile for him.
"I think you're right. I'm sorry for yelling at you and all those things I said. I love you."
"I love you too, and I accept your apology, but it's really not necessary. I'm sorry for being inconsiderate. I know you need time and space to... Well, heal, I suppose. I just thought that perhaps carrying on like nothing was wrong or a big deal might help you settle back into normalcy."
"Thanks Ollie. I have to confess something though. It's been eating me up for a while." We got to my room and went inside. I closed the door behind me for privacy, and we sat down on the edge of my bed together.
"What is it?" He asked, frowning and putting his arm around my shoulders. "You can tell me anything."
"W-when we were broken up, and Dad was making me go around with Annabelle... I had sex with her. For all the wrong reasons of course, but I still did it." He took his arm back from around my shoulders and I glanced at him before shamefully averting my gaze again. "I did it because it was an escape, something else to focus on. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about her, or find her attractive, but I love you, Oliver. I'll never cheat on you - with her or anyone else. I just thought you should know what happened. I feel like I betrayed you, because I know you love me too." I looked at him again, but he was frowning thoughtfully down at his fidgeting hands. "I love you," I said in a small voice, begging him to believe me. "I'm so sorry."
He sighed and glanced at me. "Don't cry," he said, and I hastily wiped my cheeks and eyes dry, sniffling as I did. He took a deep breath and got to his feet. "I know you've been through a lot. Technically it wasn't cheating, since we were broken up."
"I'm sorry, Oliver."
"I know you are. You know, you have a tendency to make some spectacularly poor decisions." I could tell by his tone he was getting more and more upset.
"I know-"
"You could have told someone. I won't say I know it was Hell, because I don't know what it was like, but you could have told someone and everything would have worked out fine. I don't understand how you could have kept it secret for so long. I'm not trying to blame you, I just honestly do not understand what you were thinking."
"He said I'd be taken away," I said in a small voice, trying to keep myself together while Ollie's words tore me apart inside. "Away from Mum, and you. I couldn't risk that, Oliver. I know I'm an idiot, and I'm so sorry I hurt you."
"You aren't an idiot, Billy." He sighed heavily again and looked at the door. "I think I need to go."
"No, Ollie, please don't go!" I grabbed his hand and he pulled free. "I'm so sorry," I told him, as fresh tears came to my eyes. Was this it? Was he going to break up with me? For real, this time? For good?
"I need to think, and so do you. I'll talk to you later, alright?"
"No, not alright! We can talk about it now, I'm so sorry, and I love you and I never wanted to hurt you, I just have a habit of finding myself in tricky situations and I'm dumb! I'm a fucking idiot, Ollie! I'm constantly screwing up and I'm so sorry, but I'm really trying to be better! I will be better, and I won't mess up ever again, I won't lie to you ever again, I'll tell you everything, I promise! I'll be unnecessarily detailed!"
"Bill, I just need some space to think about it and get over it."
"Why? Why can't you-"
"Because it feels like you cheated on me!" he exclaimed suddenly, finally losing his cool. "I know we were broken up, I know he made you, I know you feel horrible about it but my chest aches like you betrayed me!"
"I only did it because-" I cut myself off after I realised that I was begging Ollie to stay almost exactly like I'd beg Dad. That sent a horrible shiver down my spine and made me feel sick. I wasn't comparing Ollie to Dad, rather my... well, I guess dependency is the word. I didn't like that one bit. And when I did start to think about why I'd made the choice to sleep with Annabelle, I realised how selfish Ollie was being. 
"I know why you did it," Ollie carried on, unaware of my epiphany. "I believe you and I believe you're sorry and I believe you love me but it still fucking hurts!" he told me. "I know you've been through the wringer and the last thing I want to do is make you feel worse and that's why I need to go!"
He stormed out of my room and hurried away. I got up and followed him into the hallway, starting to feel annoyed. By the time I grabbed his arm I was furious with him.
"Just wait a second."
"I'm leaving."
"Shut up and listen to me!" I snapped angrily. Ollie looked at me with surprise. "You need to understand that I feel horrible for hurting you - and Annabelle. But he was going to kill me, Oliver. Do you understand that? I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, but I had more important things to deal with: like being beat up, whipped, strangled, suffocated, drowned, raped - whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, for whatever reason he wanted to do it. And whenever I dared to beg him to stop he reminded me that he was doing all of it because of you - either to punish me for loving you or to "help" me get over you. He figured he could put me off, I suppose. Beat away the gay or something. It was Hell, and you have absolutely no idea what it was like. But yeah, you're right; my coping method wasn't healthy or considerate. Sorry about that."  Oliver looked horrified and apologetic, which I thought was a very good thing.
"Billy-"
"No fuck off. Go home. I'll give you until Cynthia's birthday party to let me know if you still want to get back together. And I want you to think about this: I love you, Oliver, but Annabelle has been a million times more supportive than you since everything was revealed. She saw us kiss in the hospital, she knows we still love each other and she knows I'd pick you over her - she's not an idiot. But even though she knows all that, she's been nothing but kind and understanding. She's never made me feel like an idiot. She listens to me and validates me without pointing out all the places I went wrong, all the mistakes I made and telling me what I should've done instead. She makes me feel strong, not weak. You're the most intelligent person I know, and you're going to make an incredible doctor one day. But your bedside manner needs some work."
I turned around and went back into my room, slamming my door shut behind me.
Mum and Eddie were still yelling at each other downstairs.
I was miserable after fighting with Ollie, but honestly? I was kinda proud of standing up for myself like that.