Billy Carter

Chapter 31: 'Heroes'

Mum asked me her questions about Dad and what had been going on, and I answered honestly (with Ollie's encouragement). I told her everything she wanted to know, I explained it from my point of view as I grew up - and Mum was really good when it came to not interrupting me and not making me feel like an idiot about it. Honestly, I was expecting more tears and arguments from her about my reasons for keeping it all a secret, but she was really good. It made it easier to open up about it and be honest with her.
So, I told Mum everything and answered all of her questions - even questions I suspected she didn't really want to know the answers to. She did cry in the end, and gave me a tight hug she refused to let me out of. I'll admit I did tear up while she held me, sobbing and drenching the shoulder of my t-shirt. Ollie watched sadly, albeit a little third-wheelishly. Eventually Mum left, taking my dishes with her as she mumbled about some television programme she was missing. She closed the door behind her and Ollie gave me a small smile.
"I'm really proud of you, I know it can't have been easy to tell her - and me, I guess - all of that."
"Oh fuck off," I waved my hand dissmissively and rolled my eyes.
"You don't take compliments well, do you?"
"I love compliments!" He rolled his eyes now. "Anyroad, do you want to watch a movie?"
"Sure, what do you want to watch?"
"Let's put Harry Potter on."
"Ok, but you really need to get more DVDs, or a Netflix subscription - I can't watch the same three movies everyday for the rest of my life."
We watched Harry Potter and snuggled.
"How do you feel about Eddie knowing about us?" Ollie asked me.
"I feel strangely unworried. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to tell Michelle and Holly, though. I don't want to just blurt it out. But it's not like I want to sit them down and tell them, or anything - I just don't want to make a huge deal about it."
"I know what you mean," Ollie said. "I wasn't sure how to tell my extended family."
"Well how did you tell them?"
"Well, honestly I did it by accident. My whole family was at church for the Christmas service, and the Priest somehow went on a tangent from the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ to exactly why homosexuals and all the rest are going to burn in Hell for all eternity. I got fed up with it, I couldn't stay there any longer. Mum and Dad already knew I was gay thanks to Kenny Leary, and they had accepted it, but none of my extended family knew. Anyway, I got fed up with this Priest and I got up to leave. My aunt asked me where I was going, so I told her that I was 'going to Hell with the rest of the bummers'. So, that's how I came out to my family. The whole congregation, actually, since all eyes were on me and the priest had stopped mid-rant to see what I was doing. Needless to say, we go to another church now."
"How did they all react?"
"They all got up and followed me out - in solidarity, you know? Then we went back to our house and had pancakes. My mum made them in rainbow colours for me. It wasn't brought up again until a few months later when we had our next family gathering. My uncle asked me if I had a boyfriend yet. I told them I had a crush on my straight bestfriend. Next thing you know, my bestfriend's not so straight." He grinned and kissed me. "But I felt so relieved after I'd told them, I felt a thousand pounds lighter. And now I know that I really can tell my family anything, and they'll always stick by me."
"Well that's heartwarming."
"Well it's the same for you, isn't it? Don't you feel that way?"
"Well I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the last family member who found out I was bisexual didn't take it too well."
"Well, besides him. Johnny and Caitlin are really great, and Eddie couldn't care less as far as I can tell."
I stopped and thought about it. In all honestly, I was still kind of shy about it. Me and Ollie weren't big on the public displays of affection, even around people who knew we were together. On one hand, our relationship and any activities we get up to are private. On the other hand, what's wrong with giving my boyfriend a quick kiss on the mouth, or holding hands as we walk down the street? I felt like everyone accepted us - on paper. In theory. But in real life, in real time? What if that's too confrontational? What if it's suddenly no longer ok?
I love Mum, and I know she's 100% on my side all the time - same goes for Tony, Cyn and Trent. But the rest of the world? It just put me on edge. I wasn't brave enough yet.
My silence gave Ollie all the answer he needed. He looked disappointed, but I just shrugged and gave him a grim smile.
"Trust issues, I guess," I said simply. Ollie returned my small smile.
"We'll work on it. Together." He gave my hand a squeeze I appreciated.
"Deal."
"What's the time?" Ollie asked. I looked at my phone.
"It's almost nine o'clock."
"Shit, I've got to go."
"What? Why?"
"It's a school night,"
"So? Just be sleep-deprived like the rest of us."
"No, Dad'll go off his trolley if I break curfew again."
"I still don't understand that, by the way. What's he worried you'll get up to? There's not rival Maths gangs, are there? Ollie I don't care how great their formulas are, you don't know where they've been or who's already been using them! Stick to the ones in your textbook!" I pointed at him in mock-seriousness. He rolled his eyes and smiled a cute little half-smile at my lame joke as he got off my bed.
"There are no such things as Maths gangs. He's worried I'll get mugged or something, like you did going home from Jenny's party last year."
"I wasn't mugged."
"Huh? Wait, do you mean-"
"Yeah. I wasn't supposed to be drinking that night, and I came home absolutely sloshed. Dad wasn't impressed with me."
"Oh. Shit. Honestly, now that I know, it seems so obvious. I mean, you've always flinched so hard when there's a sudden loud noise or someone touches you unexpectedly. I never thought anything of it. And you were always bruised. You were absolutely terrified that Steve would find out we were dating, and I never understood why it scared you so bad."
"Don't worry about it, Ollie. I mean I was trying to keep it secret, after all. You weren't supposed to work it out."
"Was there ever a time you almost told me?"
"Yeah, once - but it was ages ago. Back when we first started dating. Dad caught me sneaking back in to my bedroom, and he found out I'd been fired from the grocery store, and, honestly... I'd kind of been picking pockets again. Only to buy food though! Anyroad, my grades were low, I'd just gotten my glasses which put my parents out a couple hundred, and money was already tight. I talked back at him, and he got cross. He said some pretty harsh things and hit me a few times. After he left I had a shower and when I went to bed I saw that you'd sent me a text. I can't remember what is was - Natalie's party, maybe? - but I typed out a message to you. Pretty basic, all it said was 'my step-father hits me'. I almost sent it. Then I didn't; I sent you a thumbs-up or something instead."
"I wish you had sent that message."
"Oh well. Do you have a Time Machine? 'Cause I don't."
"I didn't mean that like a criticism, Bill. I just meant I wish I could have done something to help you."
"You helped me everyday," I told him. "You just didn't know it. Whenever he'd tear me down, you were always there to build me back up again - even before we were dating. You always had something nice to say, something to make me feel better about myself or just life in general."
"Really?" he asked, sounding a little surprised.
"Yeah."
"Huh. Well I'm glad to have been of service. As of right now though, I need to go. Besides, you've opened up a lot tonight and said a lot of gooey romantic stuff so I'm starting to get a little worried you might be sick, and I don't want to catch a cold in the last week of school."
I laughed and got up to give him one last kiss. "You're such a nerd. I love you."
"I love you too." We had one more one last kiss, then I walked him to his (mum's) car, where we had another final last kiss.
"I hate your dad," I told him as he started the car engine. Ollie laughed.
"I'll pass on your disapproval. See you in the morning."
"Bye." I waved as he drove off and waited for him to disappear completely from my sight before I headed back inside.
I was still thinking about Ollie as I crossed the foyer to the staircase, and I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that when Harry spoke from behind me I jumped a good ten feet and tripped over a stair. I landed on my broken arm and yelped at the searing burst of pain.
"Billy, are you alright?" Harry asked with concern, taking my good arm and helping me back to my feet. I blinked back tears from the pain and shook my head, trying to shake the anxiety pounding through my veins.
"Fine," I grumbled in embarrassment. "You just surprised me is all."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."
"It's alright, it's not your fault."
"I was asking if you wanted a cup of coffee or tea or a hot chocolate? We're all going to have some tea and biscuits in the living room."
"Oh. No thank you, I'm just going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
"Alright, goodnight then." He pat me on the shoulder and went back to the living room. I went upstairs and had a quick shower before I climbed into bed.
I spent a solid three hours tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep, only to remember I'd forgotten to take my sleeping pills. I couldn't decide whether or not it was really worth the effort now to go downstairs and take them, or if it would mess with me tomorrow and make me sleepier in the morning since it was already midnight. I decided to go downstairs and take them, then I remembered they were locked away and Mum had the key hidden somewhere (as a precaution to prevent Suicide Attempt #3).
I tossed and turned some more, and my anxiety picked up again, triggered by the fact that I wasn't getting any sleep which was, ironically, keeping me from getting any sleep. I closed my eyes and tried to shut my brain up, but I had the overwhelming feeling that I was being watched. There was someone in the room with me. It was Dad. He was waiting for me to fall asleep before he killed me. At least, that's what my gut was telling me.
I tried to shake it off, I knew it was ridiculous and it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but soon my heart was pounding and I was beginning to breathe heavily.
Suck it up, just turn the light on and you'll see that there's no one there, I told myself. Easier said than done. I slowly reached out to my lamp, scared that some knife was going to come out of the dark and lop my arm off or something. Then when I finally reached my lamp, my fingers stopped over the switch. What if he really was there? What if I turned the lamp on, I saw him and he saw me, and then he really did try and kill me?
Don't be a fucking idiot Billy, there's no way he's here. Man up, turn that fucking light on and prove to yourself that there's no one there and there's nothing to be afraid of.
I turned the light on, wincing at the bright light and whatever was going to come out and attack me. Nothing did, so I sat up in bed and sighed a heavy sigh to relieve my nerves. I surveyed the room, taking plenty of time to see I was totally alone - until I looked to the side to turn my lamp back off, and saw him standing on the other side of my nightstand in the corner of the room. My breath caught as I stared into his face, contorted in anger, then suddenly he was coming quickly around to my bed and climbing over me with murder in his hate-filled eyes and a kitchen knife clutched in his sweaty hand. He loomed over me, knife raised, and it wasn't until he plunged it all the way to the handle into my chest that I could finally scream. He stabbed me again and again as I thrashed around until I lost count. I begged him to stop and I apologised desperately as my blood splattered across the bed-sheets and his face. He clamped his hand over my mouth and snapped his fingers in my face and he transformed into my own mother, shaking my shoulders desperately as she called my name over and over.
"Billy, sweetheart, wake up honey!" she pleaded.
"Mum?" I asked in confusion with a voice hoarse from screaming. I sat up with a start and looked around wildly for the bloodstains and where Dad might have gone to hide, and Mum pulled me into a hug. Finally realizing it had all just been a shitty dream, I buried my face into her neck and started to sob while she rubbed my back.
"Is he awake?" I heard Eddie ask.
"Oh that poor boy!" Michelle cried. I hadn't noticed the spectators in the room, but when I glanced over Mum's shoulder I saw Eddie, Michelle and Harry standing around watching us with concern - Johnny and Caitlin peered through the doorway. Well that's not embarrassing at all.
"Baby what happened? What were you dreaming about?" Mum asked.
"I, I could f-feel him watching me," I told her, my voice trembling and stuttering as I hyperventilated. "I t-turned on the light and he was r-right there." I pointed with a shaking finger to the spot where seconds ago Dad had been waiting. "He had a knife and he was s-stabbing me!" I knew I was hysterical but I couldn't calm myself.
"When we came in your lamp was already on, sweetheart," Mum told me, stroking my hair to help me calm down. "You were screaming and thrashing about and talking in your sleep. Oh, honey - you're safe now, it was just a dream," she assured me.
"I know that now, but it felt so real - I can still feel pain in my chest," I said, wiping my eyes.
"Is there anything we can get you, Billy?" Harry asked. "Water? Anything else?"
"I think a drink of water is in order," Mum answered for me. I nodded in agreement and she rubbed my back. Harry gave me a grim smile and left to get me water, and Michelle stepped up to my bedside.
"Oh love, I'm so sorry you have to keep suffering!" Michelle told me, sniffling. She gave me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. "We've all got your back though honey, you know that right? All four of us are going to do everything we can to protect you from that man."
"I know," I murmured. She gave me a small smile and dried her eyes.
"Good. Alright, I'll get out of your hair - I know this is personal, family stuff. I just needed to tell you that even though I've only known about you for a few weeks you're still my step-son, and Nelly, you're like a little sister to me. We're family, and I love and care about you both so much. If there's anything you ever need from me, don't hesitate to ask. Alright?"
"Thank you Michelle," Mum told her, smiling back. I mustered a little smile of my own and Michelle gave me one last pat on the shoulder before she left. What she said meant a lot to me, and I know it meant a lot to a Mum too. Michelle was like an Aunty to me already, and I knew she was the first real friend - besides Harry - that Mum had had in a long time. Mum had always worked too much to maintain any strong friendships, but now that she was on normal full-time hours she'd picked up what was the good beginnings of a social life.
After Michelle left, Eddie came forward and put his hand on my shoulder. He gave me a grim smile and gave me a brief, tight hug. I got along with Michelle fine, but it was harder to adjust to Eddie. I mean technically she hadn't wronged me; in fact she was just as much a victim of his lies as I was. "I'm so sorry," he whispered before breaking off the hug. "If there's anything at all I can do, please do let me know." Eddie left then, and I lay down and rolled over to put my back to the door and Mum. I curled up, hugging my knees to my chin.
"I'm so embarrassed, Mum," I sighed.
"Don't be, love. Everybody in this house understands what you're going through."
"No they don't, not really. The only person who could understand is Dad," I told her.
"Honey, even if I wanted to let you contact him, legally I can't."
Harry returned then with my glass of water. I sipped it and my wheezing voice strengthened. "How are you doing, Bill?" Harry asked me.
"Fine. Tired."
"We'll let you go back to sleep then."
"Ok. Goodnight. Wait - did I take my sleeping pill tonight?"
"Yes. Goodnight sweetheart." Mum kissed the top of my head and they both left. I finished my water, dressed warmly, turned off my lamp and climbed out the window.
I walked over to Ollie's house and got there by one o'clock in the morning. I climbed the back fence and picked up a few small stones, then I tossed them at his window, Romeo-style. I saw his light turn on and he opened his window.
"Oliver, Oliver! Where for art thou Oliver?" I whisper-shouted.
"That's my bit. What are you doing here? Why can't you text me like a normal person?"
"I had a bad dream."
"So have a glass of warm milk and leave the night-light on."
"It was really bad."
"I'll let you in then." He closed and left the window, then a minute or so later the backdoor opened. "Hurry up, it's cold out."
I went inside and we snuck back up to his bedroom. "Thanks Ollie," I said as he shut his bedroom door.
"Tell me about your nightmare."
"Dad was in my room. He started stabbing me. It was very realistic."
"That sucks."
"Yeah."
"So why are you here?"
"I can't fall asleep again."
"Did you even try to go back to sleep?"
"... I didn't feel safe."
"Eddie's mansion is the safest place you could possibly be, since last time I checked Her Majesty doesn't take in strays."
"Maybe if I dressed up like a Corgi-"
"No. Those dogs have far more class than you."
"Alright then. But I didn't feel safe."
"So you figured you'd cross London at one o'clock in the morning by yourself with no phone or anything to visit me?"
"... Yes."
"To paraphrase the late great Winston Churchill, you are a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. With a fine crunchy coating of poor decision-making skills."
"And a soft gooey center that you can't help but love..?"
"Fortunately for you, yes. Come on, let's get some sleep. My alarm goes off at six, and my parent's alarm goes off at six-thirty, so you better scram some time in between."
"Ok." I stripped back down to my boxers and we both climbed into bed. I had felt safer the second I stepped onto his block, so I wasn't surprised that I started to drift off so quickly. He wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep in an instant.