It Wasn't Supposed To End This Way (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 33-You're Not As Alone As You Fear

Chapter 33

I put down my phone and breathe out. Last night Clark and I had an extensive talk about my parents. I told him everything that I told Hazel and Dylan. I didn't tell Clark however, that the day of my parents death is fast approaching, almost exactly three months away now. I don't need to burden him with that kind of shock and scare. I had called him and he'd come over, and we talked for hours. I told him what happened, made sure to include everything that I had done in Pennsylvania, including forgiving Harry, and that I was ready to let Clark in.

He was shocked at first. I mean, really shocked. He'd had to hold me a few times because I broke down again during my story. I felt my heart just break when I saw Clark's face. The anger in his eyes dissipated, the feeling of resentment and fear wafted away and a vulnerable person appeared. He held me for a long time. So long. I don't think I could tell you how long it was. But he was there for me, and he will be from now on.

"You don't know how hard it's been to hold onto this secret and not tell you. Or anyone for that matter," I had told him, snuggling into his arms.

"You haven't told anyone this?" He'd answered. We were lying in my bed, leaning against my backboard.

"I told Dylan. In October."

That had earned me about five minutes of silence. Poor Clark. I know, I know he thinks I'm either cheating on him with Dylan, or that I'm into him more than Clark. And that's not the case. Why else would I entrust him with my secret? I wouldn't if I didn't care about him. I care about Clark.

I care about Clark a lot actually...

A lot.

I look out from my window seat at the city below. I pull the sweater around me tighter, pulling out the sleeves so they are longer than my arms. I feel a homey comfort in this as I begin chewing on my finger nails. It's a habit I picked up a few years ago. I pull my sweater or long sleeve shirt to the point where it's longer than my arm and then with bits of my finger sticking out, chew on my nails. No idea how it started, but it's comforting. And weird, but we all have those weird things about us.

After I told Clark about what happened with me and my family, I started taking the pills regularly. I know I said earlier I wasn't going to screw up, but now I'm ready to take them. I'm not so much depressed, but I'm still feeling some sadness wafting in every so often, and I come to the window seat to think.

My phone vibrates again and I pick it up, smiling faintly at the text from behind my glasses, which I push up on my face.

Clark: I'm sorry I asked you if you refuse to be happy. I'm a dick. I care about you, Alex, please know that. And I stand by my promise I made you last night. I will keep your secret.

I hold the phone close and clutch the charm bracelet from Joey. Clark had given me a microphone charm to go with the 'A' charm. It was his way of an apology when he came over, after I exposed everything. I told him I loved it, and had kissed him. 

He'd mumbled something in response, but when I asked him what he said, he shrugged and told me it was nothing.

However, I don't believe it.

I need to calm down, I need to believe that Clark and I are okay, and will be okay now.

Everything...it's gonna be okay.

"Alex, wake up!" I feel someone shaking me forcefully. Not this again.

"Nicki, come on, not this morning, I had a bad night," I mumble. I didn't tell her why Clark was over last night when she asked me, and after being at the window seat until two in the morning, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I tried to take one extra pill with my dosage last night, but it didn't work. I still can't stop feeling like there's this one thing that won't go away. Is it the guilt in telling Clark? I told myself almost seven years ago that I wouldn't tell anyone outside my family and teachers about my parents and my situation. Now three people know. And I don't know how much longer keeping this secret from Nicki or Joey is going to hold. Joey was angry the first time I didn't tell him about my parents, what makes me think he won't be angry if he finds out the real story?