It Wasn't Supposed To End This Way (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 41-Outlaws

Chapter 41

I am a horrible person. 

Darren told me when I asked. Joey is staying with him in LA now. Even though it's Joey's house that Emma moved into, she still kicked him out. She packed up and moved out and in with a girlfriend of hers while Joey grabbed some stuff and is staying at Darren's for a few weeks. Darren won't talk to me now. He answered my questions but won't call me back or answer my texts. Actually no one is talking to me or Nicki or Joey. Nicki won't talk to me though either. She came back to the Chicago with us, packed up and checked out all in one night. She did text me telling me she didn't die on her way home but that was it. I haven't heard from her since the day after my birthday. What's worse, when I tried to be cordial with Walker or Meredith or even happy-go-lucky Jaime, each person turned me down. No one would look at me. No one would speak to me. The only time they interact with me is when they tell me to come on stage at the end of the show for the bows. But other than that, I've been really...by myself. 

Clark barely speaks to me either. He's completely pissed that I lied to him about Nicki's pregnancy, that I didn't tell him that Joey cheated yet again, about everything. He even got a different room. He just up and left the Friday after my birthday. He didn't say anything. I went downstairs for lunch and when I came back up, his stuff and Clark were gone. When I confronted him he said, "I think you and I need some space. I don't think I can be around a liar and someone who keeps too many secrets." Then walked away towards the other Starkid's sitting and eating together.

I don't think I've ever been more heartbroken in my life. 

I'm sitting in my hotel room Monday after a long night of the show. We have four more shows to perform, two weeks left in Chicago. I want to go home. I'm sick of this place by now. No one will talk to me, and it's been nearly a week since everything went down. All I can think about is that night, screaming those heinous words at Nicki and Joey and everyone in that room. "For Christ's Sake, you're both in love with each other!"

How did I let myself say such a thing? I broke a promise between the two friendships. They both asked me not to tell the other that they're in love with each other. They asked me to keep this secret for them. But why? Why couldn't they just behave like adults about this? I managed to control my feelings for Dylan, they're better now. Clark's the one I love...for now.

That's another thing. I don't know if we're together, if we're not. I didn't ask him. I don't know where I stand with any of the Starkids. I don't know who I'm friends with anymore. "You belong in Stakid. Nick and Matt and Brian and me and Lauren and Walker and every single  person saw that when we met you. So when you say we only keep you around because of you're problems, you're wrong. We keep you around because you are one of us, you are a Starkid. And that's the truth." Jaime's words still sound fresh as they ring in my ears from that day. Do I belong here anymore? Because I don't feel like I do. How can I belong somewhere when I screwed myself over so badly?

I grab my pills and a water bottle, chugging four pills down my throat. It's extra, I shouldn't be taking four. But I just want them to work faster and longer. It seems to be. I have to order another prescription soon though. I'm running low, I don't think I'll have enough for the end of the shows. I'll call them in at the local Rite Aid or something tomorrow. My mind is everywhere right now as I stare back out the window at the finally melting snow. It was a brutal winter, and finally all that white crap is melting. Snow is beautiful for the first few days. It falls from the sky, dancing in circles around all the people below. Eventually you get sick of the shit and it becomes a nuisance. It's a lot like happiness.

I sigh loudly and lean back in the desk chair that I was sitting in to look out the window. My computer remains closed on the surface and I contemplate whether or not to open it and try to apologize to everyone. Just write an email, trying to explain what I did, why I did it. Am I supposed to think a stupid email is going to fix things? That was Jeff's tactic. On top of the laptop however, is Jeff's present he gave me for my birthday that I opened when I got back. Inside the package he'd given me were pictures. Pictures he and I took together, pictures from all our countless adventures together. There was only one picture of us kissing. The picture that I actually loved the most out of all the pictures we took together. It's from our anniversary from the second year we'd been together. Jeff flew out for the weekend and spent it with me and one the Saturday, the actual day, took me to see the Statue of Liberty in New York. We drove all the way to Ellis Island and we selfied a picture of us kissing with the Lady Liberty behind us. After that picture we went inside the statue and then had dinner on the Hudson in some type of dinner on the river type thing? I was never clear on that. But those were the good days. The days where Jeff and I were a great couple.