It Wasn't Supposed To End This Way (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 43-Back And On Track(s)

Chapter 43

Clark found me on the floor the next day when he appeared in my house, having gotten in because I didn't lock the front door. Someone (named Natalie McKay) tipped him off I went home when he had apparently gone looking for me.

I didn't say anything for hours, but something tells me he knew why I was crying.

He didn't ask me why I came home.

He didn't ask me why I was crying.

He didn't even ask for an apology.

He just sat with me while I cried and didn't leave me.

I spent the week alone in my room unless Clark came over, which was for at least fourteen hours a day. He tried to get me to eat, he tried to get me to get dressed, he tried to get me out of my bed. All I did was lie in bed, shower and cry. I think I lost five pounds this week from lack of food and burning calories crying.

I didn't go back to Chicago with Clark for the final shows. He promised me that he'd talk to everyone while he was in Chicago, see if he could get everyone to forgive me and us to move on past this.

"I don't know," I had said to him before he left on Friday. "They're all mad and have every right to be. Nicki clearly thinks I'm too horrible of a person, why would anyone else want to forgive me?"

"Because you're my girlfriend, and you are amazing. You just have to believe that. The Starkid's are ready to forgive you if you let them."

I don't think they're ready for anything having to deal with me.

Yesterday morning I had called Hazel, not just because my pills had run out, but they weren't working.

"Do you want to come in and we can talk?" She'd asked. I had immediately thought to say no, that I didn't want to inconvenience her. But, I said yes.

We talked for probably two hours, and I indulged everything onto her. I told her everything I hadn't told her the first time back in December. I told her my parents died on my birthday, that everyone knew now and the quote on quote "Adventure" we'd been on. I told her that Jeff had abused me, but had stopped. I didn't dive into detail for many reasons. I told her that Clark didn't talk to me and mysteriously now he just forgave me. I told her what happened in the bar. I told her Nicki had left. I told her everything, completely pouring every ounce of myself into my story until I felt there was nothing left of me, everything had been drained from my story.

"Alex...I honestly don't think there's anything I can tell you to make you feel better. But maybe the pills aren't working because you're not letting them work. I think you're putting so much pressure on yourself that you ultimately refuse to let the medication do the work it's meant to. You listed so many displeasing qualities about yourself - but what about the good ones?"

I didn't have an answer for her. I didn't say anything for a long minute, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.

"Listen Alex," Hazel had said, taking off her glasses. "I think you're just being too hard on yourself. I think once you take a moment to sit back and appreciate what you have, you'll start to feel a lot better."

Maybe I'm just not meant to feel "Better".

I thank the pharmacist for my prescription as I leave the Rite-Aid the next day, still replaying my session with Hazel over and over again in my head. Am I really being too hard on myself or is my depression too strong for the medication? I don't know, but I do know that I'm sick of feeling depressed.

I take two pills and put the bottle in my purse as I trudge back to my apartment. I have to drive about an hour into Philadelphia today to meet with Derrick and Darren so we can work on the track I'm singing on. I still feel shitty honestly, like if I walk in there Darren's going to give me the cold shoulder. Clark told me on Friday he'd get everyone to forgive me. But what's the likely hood of that? I just want to stop feeling like I'm being sucked into a tornado of self pain and loathing.