Counting Sheep

Fourteen?

Days go on.

Nights fly by.

What is it that makes me think this way?

I have friends. I have help.

I have no one to help...

It's too hard to think about the bright side. It hurts my head.

Days fly by.

Nights go on.

I can't sleep. Sometimes not at all. If I do sleep, it is either a short time or a long time.

When I can't sleep, I talk to new friends.

They are strange... mysterious...

They are grey sheep. They are undecided if they are trying to help me or just use me.

What am I saying? I can't trust them- I do not know them!

"Sleep."

"?"

"Sleep."

"And if I don't?"

They can mute me. They can kick me and remove me from their lives. I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care...

I stare in realization, that I never loved what I thought was my crush. I don't know how to help my friends, and I am unsure if I even care.

I... don't care?

That would be wonderful. To be like a wall! I want to be a wall. They don't care! They don't live! They don't die! They exist!

Hahahahaha!
Haha...
...

Why am I laughing? Not caring is a bad thing. Not following my own advice is bad. No help is bad and yet... and yet...

I like it. I have grow to like my black sheep. They have always been there for me.

Happiness is a lie. Despair is how one smiles.

Is it?

That can't be right. Can't be right!

This means I a still society's little "freakshow" and I don't mind it.

I can be hurt and laugh at it.

Is this who I am? Or what I will be?!

This sheep leaves my mind? Did it? I still remember. Why do I remember?! I am suppose to forget!

It's because I can't sleep, is it?