Be looked at, be judged, be happy...

Chapter 48

Hey guys sorry for the wait but I'm sorta back!

My POV

I sit in front of CC's room. Oliver keeps pulling on my arm to stand up and go to my room. He says that it's not healthy to sit here, that it's not going to bring him back. By now, my eyes are blood-shot and baggy from crying and lack of sleep. I just stare through his window, watching his lifeless body. I keep thinking that he'll come back and say, "Surprise!" But he's not going to. I go to Olivia's room to talk to my baby boy. Olivia smiles when she sees me, "There's your mom! Say hi to her!" I love how enthusiastic she was with him. She used to hate this, but now she's interacting with him. She's gained weight from the baby and carries a lot of water for him. I smile and rub her stomach, "Hi my baby boy...I bet you miss your Daddy. He's sleeping right now and won't wake up for a loonnnggg time okay? Until then, you have Mommy, Auntie Olivia and Uncle Oliver to keep you company okay?" Her stomach hardens as time passes of the baby's growth. As I say this, my eyes water. Olivia rubs my back and I bite my lip to hold in my tears. I don't want to cry in front of my baby. He can't know about his Daddy.

We end up getting discharged and we go home. They started living with me, not because to check on me, but for me to see the baby. We also have to watch Olivia too. I warned her at the hospital, "He's a handful. When he feels bold, you throw up. Sometimes he's relaxed though, so good luck." I say with a laugh. Sure enough, she runs to the bathroom to puke. I run circles on her back and hold her hair. "Destiny, you're baby is mean I swear." I laugh and she shakes her head. Oliver has to run to the store to buy candy and soda. That's my boy all right.

He comes back with two bags full of foods Olivia's been craving. He sets it on the counter and I help him put them away. I also tell Olivia, "By the way, if you smell potatoes or meat cooking, you'll vomit." She rolls her eyes, "He hates everything doesn't he?" I shrug and I make breakfast. It's been hard living with them like right now for example. They cuddle and laugh together whenever they talk to the baby. Oliver talks to him and she laughs. I sigh and miss CC. We would do that, laugh and sing to him. He would hug my stomach and kiss it while he tells the baby goodnight. With them playing with him, I think of the good times. When he was alive. I shrug off the memories and plate their eggs, bacon, and homemade waffles. I hand them the food and they say their thanks. I eat in the dining room and they're in the living room, watching tv. I have another flashback.

It was when we woke up from the "night" before. Our hair messed up, sheets were off, and pillows on the floor. We'd laugh from the tore up room. He runs downstairs to make me breakfast, and he taught me how to make the waffles. He would hug me from behind every time I made the pan cooked food. I would smile and we would get caught up in a make out session, burning the bacon. We always laughed at my distraction and I would have to redo the bacon. We always burned it, without fail. Then that's when I felt symptoms of pregnancy.

I smile at this memory, and I see Olivia staring at me. "Hm?" I ask. "Destiny, you need to stop holding on to him. He's never coming back, okay?" I shake my head at her. "Don't talk like that by my baby, he can't know." She rolls her eyes, "Destiny, he's not even two months yet. He's not going to remember any of this." She says. "Still, I don't want him hearing that his dad is..." I stop. "What. Dead? Just say it Destiny, he's dead. Move on..." she says. I snap at that sentence. "Yes! I know he's dead! But guess what? I'm never moving on! I will cry every night and remember him every day if I have to! You know why? Because I love him and his kid is inside you! What would you do if I had you and Oliver's kid? Would you forget him? Would you tell your baby that he has no father? No! Because you love him and you don't want to crush his childhood into a million pieces. And you wouldn't forget Oliver ever because you love him. So don't tell me to do that if you know damn well you won't do it either..." I stand up and put my plate in the sink. I run upstairs and go into my room.

I cry at what she said to me. I'm sensitive ok? I'm broken and no one can fix me. When the baby is born and he looks just like him, I will be worse. But how can she tell me to forget about him? There's knocking on my door and I don't feel like answering it. The door opens and it's Olivia. "Hey, I'm sorry for what I said. I have a hormonal imbalance. But I would never forget him, so don't forget about CC. I'm sorry, I was just worried and stressed. Will you forgive me?" I turn over to her and I nod. She hugs me and I sob. She rubs my back and comforts me. Once I'm done she says, "Well, I'm sleepy so I'm going to go to sleep. I love you and stay strong for the baby okay?" I say it back and I nod. I figure I could use some sleep too.

I hug CC's pillow and tears spill out of my eyes. His scent is still stuck on the pillow case. I cry and I think of him. I can't even be in here and not die from grief. I try to calm down but I hyperventilate. After giving his pillow one last squeeze, I cry myself to sleep.