Of love and lies

Alec

Drugs aren't exactly good for you,
Drugs aren't good for anyone, but truth of the matter is I'm hooked. It's not exactly how I want things to be but I can't help it and I sure as hell can't run from the truth either.
I wake up with a plethora of jigsaw puzzle memories to add to my ever-growing collection, as well as a sore body.
My head pounds and my eyes hurt from the bright light coming in through the window when I open them and I rub them as I start sitting up.

There's a pretty blonde girl standing at the window looking outside, she's wearing my shirt and trying to look cute but it just pisses me of that she went through my closet without my permission.
The curtains have been drawn and all my clothes are in a neat pile in the corner. She turns and smiles at me.

Oh great, She's one of those.
The morning people.
I'd never been able to understand why anyone enjoyed being awake early. I hate morning and therefore morning people. I slump back and pull the covers over my head, upset at the fact anyone had the guts to wake me up this early.

"Come on, don't get back in bed, there's so much we could do." She says.
"Why don't we get you some coffee or go for a stroll, there's this really nice place just a few blocks away, what do you want to do?" she says in a single breath.

Wonderful, a cheery morning person that can't shut up.
Well I know a way to shut her up and teach her how I do things. I slowly sit up again and sway my legs onto the side of the bed. Gradually I stand up and walk towards the pile of clothes. I slip into my denim jeans and stretch. I walk towards her and wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her. I then blow into her ear.

"I don't think your familiar with the term one night stand, are you darling?" I whisper in a condescending tone.

"I am, I just thought after the night we shared, maybe there was something between us..." She responds quietly. I shake my head and lead her to a nearby wall.

"Well that simply won't do?" I say then pin her against the wall. I kiss her neck and move towards the jaw and she sighs into my ear.

"I knew there was something more between us." She whispers as I move up and start nibbling on her ear lobe. Then, I stop.

"I have absolutely no feelings for you dear." I say in a mocking tone as I smile openly at her. "I don't care about you. You're one of the many girls I get involved with almost every night and your no different from the one last night, and the one coming tonight 'Kay love." I step back and see tears welling up in her eyes and for some reason I laugh. She opens her mouth as if to say something but nothing comes out. I smile and say "You really are the naïve idiot"

A sob escapes her mouth and the tears start falling, staining her rosy cheeks. She pushes past me and picks her bag off the dresser. She's just about to reach the door when I move forward and grab her wrist pulling her towards me. As I hold her close to my chest she looks up at me expecting something from me, anything to show her I'm not a complete monster.
I crush that expectation when I say "I need my shirt back."
She pulls out of my grasp and takes it off and rolls it into a ball and throws it at my feet with as much energy as she can muster before she runs out loudly shutting the door behind her.

I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I look horrible. Dark circles under my eyes, pale skin. I strip my clothes and enter the shower. I turn on the water and wait for it to heat up whilst standing right underneath the nozzle. When it's finally at the right temperature I lather myself in soap and I get a stinging feeling all over my back.

I must have had quite the night, but then again when don't I? My head starts hurting and memories start flooding my mind, and then I start feeling. Dark feelings. I remember her and tears start welling in my eyes. It's been so long and I miss her more than ever. I bury my face in my hands and lean across the shower wall, fighting the urge to drop to my knees. I don't know how long I stay like that, feeling the water roll against my skin and the cold wind blowing in from outside, but eventually I get up and run my fingers through my dark hair. I turn the water off and step out of the shower, grabbing the towel off the hook next to the shower, dry myself and wrap the towel around my waist. As I'm leaving the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of my back in the mirror. It looks awful. Long deep scars cover my back, some crossing over each other. A few look like they might need stitches. I leave the bathroom and find a bottle of vodka, a glass and some ice cubes and pour myself a glass.

"Here's to being screwed up." I say raising the glass, making a toast to no one, I take a small sip and feel the warmth pour down my gullet. Most people prefer a cup of coffee to wake them up but I'm not most people. I move towards the pile of clothes and pick out a pair of ripped black jeans. I slip them on and drape the towel over my shoulder. The ice begins to melt making the drink less strong and I toss the glass into the sink and hear a faint crashing sound. I rub the towel against my hair which is still dripping wet. Memories of last night slowly come back into play. The blonde girl from before, ripping my shirt apart and trailing her hands all over me. I should have noticed her claws before she did the number on my back.

I toss the tattered material of what used to be my shirt into the bin. I'm quite in the mood for breakfast so I plop on the couch and stare at the wall. I look down at the needle and rubber strip I used the night before. I pick it up and go through my usual process. I take a deep breath before letting the needle pierce through my skin. The pinch makes me crunch my teeth together but the pain exhilarates me. I push it all in and I feel the liquid pulse through my bloodstream.

The bitter sweet anguish I felt without it in mysystem was unbearable. Now I am alive. She would've hated to see me this way. I did it tosuppress emotion or rather in devotion to someone I keep trying to forget. Iclose my eyes and let the world just move around me. Trying not to think orfeel. Feelings left you wanting more of something you know you could neverhave.
And I learnt that the hard way.