hey guys its Celia and I'm actually writing a chapter this time *what?what what?* rn I'm eating a granola bar and playing p!atd on full blast and just contemplating where i'm going w this chapter in all honesty. at first i wanted to do what i did with harry for everyone and then do an actual chapter that something is happening but like idk i have no songs for anyone else bc harry can relate to so many punk songs I'M GONNA SCREAM. bare w me on this chapter, this one is for EMMA BC I CAN.
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i've always believed that you should be your own person. you shouldn't have to fit into anyone's definition of "perfect" or "socially acceptable". i've been quiet and shy for a big part of my life, just minding my own business and having a handful of friends. 5 at the most, honestly. i grew up without a mom, and i didn't have anyone to fill in that figure, i lived comfortably and solitary. I'm also an only child, my mom was only 17 when she passed, and the way she died could be considered selfish or unnecessary but i think she was strong. i have nothing to back that up really, besides the small talk my father had with me once about how she was and how much i reminded him of her.i've allowed myself to believe that i'm the reason my mother left, i spent most of my time in the back of the class not paying attention to the lesson but wondering why she killed herself. every mother's day i wrote her a letter and drew little stick figures and bought her roses of her favorite color- or i thought was her favorite color. my dad took me to the cemetery every holiday for a while and we both took turns talking to her. to this day, i still visit her every mother's day and whenever i just need someone to talk to. everyday i ask myself if this could be different. what if she was alive? what if i had a normal family? i don't know if i would have to visit therapy or stare at the blank walls until 4 in the morning, just thinking. my mom felt this way, my dad told me, until she had me. but the whispers and threats that she received became too heavy a weight on her shoulders. i was threatened to be killed at 3 weeks, along with my father. my parents could be happy right now, married and living together, the right age to have their kids. i would have never been born, maybe, but anything to see the person who matters most to me be happy. would i give my life to bring my mother back? you'd better believe it, maybe i wouldn't be able to see her, yeah, but she would be happy.
i was born in brixton, said to be the most dangerous borough in london, and i have to agree. i was around the police siren's wails and gunshots randomly fired late hours into the night for most of my life. when i was four, i moved to a small town in manchester, where i eventually met louis in the first grade. i didn't go to preschool and i started school when i was in kindergarten. i wasn't school's biggest fan, at all, but i did fairly well just to graduate elementary. i remember after the banquet, my dad and louis' mom were too busy talking about fixing her car, and he dragged me out to the back of the place. his small hand gripped mine so hard, i still make myself believe that i feel his hand pressing onto mine. it's all just a figment of my imagination, and i still don't know if the whole ordeal even happened.
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HI GUYS
ITS BEEN FOREVER BUT I HAVE BEEN AT SCHOOL AND SO STRESSED AND I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TIME BC SPRING BREAK AND STUFF WELL I JUST SAW NOW THAT THIS WAS HALF DONE BUT I DONT WANNA CONTINUE SO U CAN JUST READ NOW INSTEAD OF LIKE NEXT CHRISTMAS SO IDK WHAT THIS CONTAINS BC I WROTE THIS LAST MONTH SO YA
SORRY FOR MY LAZINESS, I LOVE U ALL
XO,
CELIA
YOU ARE READING
te amo, louis tomlinson // on hiatus //
Fiksi Penggemarlove. it's a strange thing. but it can also consume you, completely. to the point where you can't talk to your best friend. why? because i'm completely head over heels in love with him.
